H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Just to be practical, I would avoid 50:50, not just for the stability but also that arrangement might negate child maintenance for you and if he's the higher earner you need this financial support

So sorry but routine doesn't need to change, could be someone from work. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to see it, the wife is always the last to know. You will be in shock at present please rally friends and family support you have nothing to blame yourself for and you need support. No-one gets through a situation like this alone, my heart goes out to you.

I think the no signs and no suggestion of unhappiness is what is most ringing the affair alarm bells

When this happened to me, I was absolutely blindsided. It came out of nowhere. He gave me no reason at all. Just 'I can't do this anymore'

Everyone on here told me it was another woman. I didn't believe that for a second.

It was. Of course.

The reason I hadn't noticed was what he (according to him) had been 'honourable' enough not to actually put his cock in her until the day after he suddenly dumped me after 10 years (no children together, thankfully, just ones we had from previous relationships).

They had clearly crossed a massive line in terms of conversation. I'm not sure how far it had gone before. Because he wasn't sleeping with her (just wanted to), there was no obvious change in spending or behaviour.

He left me. I found out about her weeks later and only much later found out how quickly he'd moved on (about 8 hours).

Don't rule it out. It is a midlife crisis of sorts when married men with families see a glimmer of something that reminds them of being a free and single bachelor, but it's all a bit sad and pathetic, because they aren't that. They can't get that time back - and shagging someone else (while sometimes making time for their hurt and confused children) doesn't change the fact that they have aged, have responsibilities and generally look like an utter twat.

Oh op, I’m so sorry.
something very similar happened to me before. You have my every sympathy. If you were happy to share (roughly) where you are maybe some of us mumsnetters could be real life friends if we lived close by to keep you busy and help you out during this difficult phase!

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this is "sudden". Clearly he's been planning it for awhile, all the while stringing you along.

It's really shit, cowardly behaviour! He does not get to just check out & leave you to deal with the fall out.

Whatever his issue, he needs to deal with it like an adult. Just because his routine hasn't changed, don't discount someone else is on the scene.

That's a great update, I'm so happy you spoke to your friend and that your manager at work is supportive. I'm wishing you good wishes OP. Stay strong 💪🏿

👆👆👆This
I would also say check your bank account if a joint account and move half of the contents to an account in your name, and take your name off the joint account so you do not become liable for any debt he runs us and because if he has another woman, now she has your husband she will also want his money for whatever purpose she has in mind.
You need to protect you and your children to ensure you can continue to live.
Sorry you are going through this, he has shown how weak he is.

Oh @Moongazer23 he told you to tell your children that he's died!! This is one of the worst things I've read on here, I'm so sorry you have children with someone who turned out to be such a horrible bastard

Sorry Op, what a shock for you. I love how he just gets to check out of family life because it’s not for him anymore. What a prick.

Had your sex life declined at all? A sure sign there’s someone else, if there’s been no other change in routine.

The other thing is he won't have done this on the spur of the moment. He will have been planning this for months possibly years. As for his DM she should kick him out and tell him to get home and sort his marriage out. Was she not surprised when he turned up on the doorstep? I would be questioning MIL as you might find she knows more and will break first.

Don’t be shocked in a few years if he crawls back because single life isnt working out how he thought or he bails on being a dad to the child with his affair/new partner. But obviously don’t take him back whatever the story will be.

My ex was having an affair with a married woman from work. I was blindsided as he never used his phone or was out late. All the shenanigans went on in stolen moments, apparently.

Tbh I would think there was a woman, because to do what he's done, you need someone egging you on, I think. Someone who is standing right beside you while you destroy your family.

That's my opinion. I hope I'm wrong but in any case he's a complete and utter bastard for behaving the way he has.

It does sound like another woman has forced his hand OP. I’m so sorry, I hope you have a great support network around you. Get paper and finances together ASAP so he can’t move or hide anything

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But, you are making the right move in going straight for the solicitor. Accept that it's done and move on asap, grieve later when you and the children are settled.

Many errant husbands say they'll pay their share... then the girlfriend interjects or is used as an excuse and suddenly they can't afford it. Watch out for that.

Another popular move with dickheads is to leave it a couple of months then try to come 'home'. They do this to gain some financial advantage for themselves.

Don't imagine he's made a sudden decision. He's had it all planned. Possibly the girlfriend has given an ultimatum 'Tell your wife or I will', or has told him she is pregnant.

Wishing you all the best. It's thirty-eight years since I was in a similar position, and I promise you, life does go on.

Sounds like he's probably met someone else and it's surprising where people find the time, I know someone that started an affair with a lady that he met on the school run!

How has your love life been, has there been no change at all in that regard? Has it dwindled to not much with 3 young DC's? Has he been avoiding that side of things? There's often signs from that regard. Some people even find the frequency increases during an affair - go figure.
If he's not been a hands on father, he might not be that great a loss tbf. What involved father would leave, then say they will have them with the rest of his family around, on holiday once a year (so he doesn't have to parent alone) but apart from that, it's up to you? Lol, I bet he'd baulk at the idea of 50/50. Family life too restrictive for him - try having all 3 on your own for half the time.
Another idea, could be if he has a friend or colleague who has recently become single and is waxing lyrical about how great his independent life has been since. Sounds like he's aspiring to be a self-absorbed arse. I think you will be the one who gets more freedom from the situation, perhaps EOW - I bet you didn't get that before.

On the joint savings account front, get a separate one set up just for you and transfer half the money into there. It gives you a bit of financial back up/security. From now on, put any money you are saving into your own account.
Possibly let DH have the children this weekend, so you can have some time to yourself to do some digging/gathering of info.
Possibly look at finding a counsellor to support you through this situation.
Good luck

I am so sorry you are going through this and also pleased to read that you have told a friend and are getting support IRL. One day you will look back at all this and see how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how strong you are. I won't bore you with my experience of being left by my husband but I survived and then I thrived and really grew as a person. It was not easy, and it certainly was challenging but I promise you that a better future is waiting for you and things will work out for you and your children

I have never been in this position, so I cannot offer advice, but I think there must be practical things that you absolutely need to deal with. Please can the wiser heads here help list them?
I am thinking that you need to secure savings/ bank accounts.
I am sorry that you are going through this, but don't let him screw you over as well as this.

I'm so glad you've contacted your friend. She sounds very supportive.

This is not your doing,it's 💯 him .
You can share what your going through with anyone you trust.
He can leave a letter and expect the little woman to stay quiet... don't think so.

What do you think triggered his emotions on the Monday, can you work out why he was upset?

Do you know anyone he works with?

There’s a saying… “men don’t jump unless they have somewhere soft to land.”
What an arsehole.

Who on earth ends an 11 year relationship with three small children involved by leaving a letter on the table out of the blue?

What a coward!

Exactly he's got something waiting in the wings that's for sure.