H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

I'm sorry this is happening, and I agree with those who say to look for another woman.

It's not only him leaving suddenly, it's also this that stands out to me - that he said "he wants more freedom" and "he doesn't want to be tied down".

This points to an affair IMO.

OP - please don't fall for any of his emotional blackmail. He's responsible for the phone call, he's ignoring you and his children. He is clearly going to blame you for everything so best not to give it any airtime. He should have spoken to you, and the two of you should have had the opportunity to tell the children and manage the situation. Instead he's created this horrible situation that leaves you dealing with it all alone, and the children in the dark. Words don't describe how callous, cruel and selfish he is being.

Hope the solicitor gives you good advice today. If you're children's school has a councillor they would be a good person to get involved. What he's done to his children is unforgiveable.

OP, I’m so so so sorry. About a year ago I drove my H to work as usual, and then drove to work myself. I came home that evening and his gym bag and important things were gone. He had moved back to his home country and hadn’t even left a note. When I called his colleagues, they told me he had lost his job, and had know that he would be leaving that day for more than 6 months, and surely I knew.

Trying to talk to him over the next few days and months was like repeatedly banging my head against a brick wall. I desperately wanted answers, but even today, I don’t really have any. The closest I’ve got is that he lost his job and felt so ashamed he just wanted to burn bridges with everything and anything to do with that life? He cut off his colleagues, me, and all his childhood friends who had grown close to me over the years. And it wasn’t the first time he had reacted like this to a setback, and had quite a trail of destruction of past gfs and jobs behind him.

My mistake was that he came back a few times, claiming he was sorry and had had a mental breakdown due to job stress and wasn’t thinking straight and promising the world, and I believed him and took him back each time. But then would go distant and disappear again. Going through this over and over I almost reached the point where I was resigned to him disappearing and coming back, as though it was a normal thing to do and no more than I deserved ! I also bent over backwards taking therapy and forcing myself to forgive everything despite every fibre of my being screaming not to, while he did nothing to change his shitty behaviour. If I can offer one piece of advice - don’t take him back when he inevitably does come crawling back, for the sake of your own and your DCs mental health. He will seem convincing in the short run, but no good will come of it.

Fortunately for me, the marriage was short, no joint assets, entanglements or DCs. I really hope untangling yourself is as painless as possible for you.

Yep - when I was convinced my husband was having a major breakdown and I thought he might be close to unaliving himself, he was in fact having an affair. We stayed together, and I wouldn't recommend it, because I've never really been able to forgive for that cruelty, or really trust him again. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Concentrate on your children and yourself, and take not one iota of responsibility for his behaviour.

For the time being I'd only contact him via solicitors. No conversation is going to help at this point. With access I'd wait til he asked, I wouldn't offer a thing. His parents may criticise him but in the end they will stick with their son most likely so do be careful what you say to them.

I wouldn't waste any time on trying to figure out why he's done this, or looking for an OW. None of that really matters as it won't impact a divorce settlement and you'll only drive yourself crazy as he will lie and gaslight you.

I like your innocence, my sweet summer child.

😂

OP something similar happened to me and I believe it caused a form of PTSD to have my whole life turned upside down and everything I thought I knew was not after all a firm foundation and could be taken away in a moment. I don't think you ever truly recover your equanimity after something like this. You will get a lot of advice re finances etc here and great support so I'm not going to repeat that. What I do know is that your brain will be in overdrive constantly turning this over - to the point of madness especially as you have to keep it together for the kids.

All my constant brain grinding over probably 2 years resulted in the following distilled answers so if it helps even the slightest bit I will paste them here:

◦	I could have been kinder but so could he.
◦	There will never be a conversation where we talk about how he left and he apologises 
◦	I will not feel guilty about my daughter only having one parent I bring my whole self to raising her
◦	Silence can be its own response 
◦	He has to blame me so that he can look at his own face in the mirror

He wants to escape telling his children, no, he's the one making this decision, he can come explain to them why he's breaking the family apart. What a bastard. Sounds like it must be something wild like an affair, which if it is, then good riddance but he still needs to be a father. You can't escape fatherhood and have more freedoms there, that's not how being a parent works.

I've never heard of a brain tumour being suggested as the reason for a man to leave his family with no warning. In the great scheme of things how likely is that compared to there being another woman 🤣such naivety!

Holy shit just read about the phonecall. What was he thinking?? Of course she's going to be upset?? She wants to see her dad who she loves and he's suddenly disappeared in the night? What does he mean he doesn't want to be tied down. He has THREE children. You're tied down, mate, that's just reality. Sounds like he's had a mental breakdown to me. I'd be calling a mental health team to assess him honestly.

My exH said he "wanted his life back" aka he was having an affair. He went on to have 2 dc with her and is now living with someone else having shagged around and never gets a moment peace with his 4 dc. It amuses me greatly.

I think there's a certain type of person who does this - just closes off their past life in the belief they can start again. I wonder if he's done this in previous relationships. I think that's how some people can meet someone new within minutes of their last relationship ending - they see it as done and dusted.

I do think it's very likely he's been having an affair. He could easily have a separate phone, which means the children and you could read his regular phone. I think it's very unusual for men to dump and run without somewhere to go to. After all, he wants a free lifestyle - what makes him think he'll get that at his mum's house?

On this 'at his mum's' business... my ex and late left me and the child to 'live at his mum's'. In reality his parents were covering for him. He went straight to his girlfriend.

eta: 'phonecalls... I asked him to phone his four year old daughter every night at bedtime (7.30) to maintain their connection. He refused. Too expensive. And I was 'trying to control him'. No. I was just suggesting a way in which he could maintain a relationship with his child.

That's unspeakably cruel and your daughter will almost certainly never forget it.

I think if I were you, I'd just do everything via solicitors from now on and I'd be doing everything in my power to take him to the fucking cleaners. Fuck him. Just put you and your kids first.

It maybe OP you never find answers to these questions.
For your piece of mind I would change the locks. The thought of your “ H “ packing things when you are out would make me feel unsafe .
My dad did the same thing. Left, no note, we too thought he had had a breakdown, found out he was having an affair. We were lucky . Mum got legal advice and to his shock got an legal separation. She also re did her will . Because she was so focused it meant that when she died before the divorce was finalised , we her children received her half instead of dad and his mistress. He wasn’t happy
Remember OP you are doing this ultimately for your children and their financial future..
Claim CMS and what ever benefits you can. He is not making good decisions and you can’t rely on his to not give up his job and leave you in the financial lurch.

good point about the will. And choose someone you trust as executor/guardian on your behalf too.

I do feel very strongly that you shouldn't feel obligated to facilitate a relationship between him and his children. I'm not talking about refusing to make them available for contact or anything like that, but I really think children need an honest relationship with their parents and they need to know what's real and what isn't. If they only speak to dad or see him because you've pushed for him to contact them, that's giving them a really false impression of what kind of father he is and is encouraging them to invest in a relationship that isn't really what they think it is.

From experience, I'd rather have a shit/non existent relationship with a father who couldn't be arsed, than have a fake one that only exists because my mother has pushed him to "do the right thing".

I know it comes from a good place, and for you it's seriously early days, but just be careful you're not setting a precedent for something that isn't actually in your kids' best interests.

This is such wonderfully wise advice, and I couldn't agree more.

When relationships fall apart, it's so easy to react in the heat of the moment but I'm in awe of how you're handling this. Whatever has made this man behave like this, we have no idea, but you are showing your strength, your courage and your integrity and putting your children first. You have done nothing wrong, you are quite right to ask for answers and an explanation, and also to facilitate your daughter's need to talk to her dad.

Just keep in mind Michelle Obama's words: "When they go low, we go high" - it's a mantra that continues to serve me well.

Sending love, I know this is must feel like a horrible dream, but you have strangers in your pocket supporting you.

I feel awful that shes so upset, and he is kind of right in that I knew calling the house would force him to speak to her

He's entirely responsible for leaving without explanation. He's entirely responsible for what he said to her, and how.

You now know to be extremely careful with your children around him, because he has demonstrated that he won't protect their feelings at all.

You are not responsible for his behaviour.

This, I mean the cold way he's acting with no warning, really reminds me of my friend's husband when he left her.

They had a seemingly happy, comfortable life, 3 daughters ranging in age from 12 down to 5. Great job, lovely house etc.

One day, he just left. Took their campervan and sent a text telling her he didn't want to be married any more, that he was unhappy and wasting his life living it in that conventional way. Quit his job and started working cash in hand at a theme park type place on a very casual basis, basically earnt enough for him to get by, but no longer support his family, and had no interest in seeing the kids. Grew his hair. Took up smoking. Started playing guitar. A midlife crisis, you ask? An epiphany about how he was really destined to spend his life? No.

Reader, he had another woman.

It is ALWAYS an affair, in my experience. They'll call it something else and it may look like something else on the surface. But it'll be another woman. In the case of the absolute shit stain that I've detailed above, she was 19 and smoked roll ups and liked surfy hippy men who live a nomadic non-capitalist existence, a free spirit type with no ties. So that's who he became, without a backward glance at his wife and kids.

@JonnyTheDogFacedBoy please tell me he had his come uppance? And the wife is now happy?

Highly likely there is some 20-something at work that he wants to shag or is already doing so. 🙄

That's a bit ageist. Maybe he's gone for an older woman so he can be a child again

You have not done anything wrong by phoning him. Your daughter was upset and wanted to talk to him. Whatever you did he would have blamed you. If you had not let her call him ( which was what he wanted) he would have said well I did want to speak to you but your mean mum would let me.

At least your daughter heard it from him. She already knows he can’t be trusted because trustworthy parents don’t disappear but at least she knows that you are there for her and he has been denied an opportunity to blame you or damage your relationship with your daughter. He wants you to make excuses for him which is really cruel because if you love someone you are there for them unless the situation is really unavoidable such as you are in hospital. Now your daughter knows that he has left and has chosen not to come back this takes away the pressure to make excuses for him. She knows he has treated her badly and it is important that she gets to feel her feelings around this. This is a model for future relationships and if she knows early on that this is not an acceptable way to treat her then she knows she deserves better.

You are handling this with great dignity and courage. Your 3 children must all be very young and you have stayed strong for them. You are their rock. If their dad doesn’t come back or is unreliable they will be fine with you because you have been there for them.

It is good that you have seen a solicitor. You can file for divorce yourself online it is the financial details that are difficult. I agree with others that it is a good idea to make sure you have money in your own accounts as he could take all the shared money.