H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Tell your friend OP. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. What a scumbag he is and I’m sure he does not deserve you.

I agree unfortunately this is right out of the cheaters playbook. Wanting ‘freedom’ indeed. Arsehole.

Sudden to you op, but not to him. Really sorry, but cherchez la femme. He’s behaving appallingly, of course you deserve a discussion like adults, not just a (cowardly) letter!

Oh gosh op. What a horrible shock for you. I am so sorry.

Seriously, why do men do this? This is not a rhetorical question; I really want to know! Is an eleven year relationship , not to mention 3 dc, worth a face-to-face discussion?

Was there no time leading up to this point when he could have discussed his feelings like an adult? I find this so disrespectful and cruel.

Op I hope you have some friends and family you can gather around you. Don’t try and protect his privacy. He hasn’t given any thought to protecting you. Be as self reliant and icy cold as he has been to you. 💐

He’s had his head turned. There isn’t a man alive who fucks off for “alone time” ever. It will be someone at work, some “grass is greener” or “true love” bullshit. She will more than likely be younger and be stroking his poor ittle ego, after he’s told her about how horrid you are to him. I want to say it’s such a fucking boring cliche, because it is, but I know it’s also your life, and it’s devastating for you. For that, I’m truly sorry. It’s shit.
My advice would be to say nothing and ask nothing, other than about the DC. Make it crystal fucking CLEAR to him that he will be having them 50/50 and how he sorts that out is up to him.
The overwhelming likelihood is that it won’t work out with miss shiny new minge. But, whatever. He’s made his bed, let the fucker lie in it. Time for your biggest big girl pants, channel your inner Lady Mary Crawley and leave the fucker to it. Hard I know but, in the long run, far, far better for you than even entering into the dreaded “pick me” dance. DO NOT DO THAT!!!

OW has given an ultimatum.

Men who want to cheat will find a way. Uou have no way of knowing what he does on his lunch hour or if he takes annual leave you don't know about.

If my adult son arrived and told me that he had left his wife and 3 children , he would be sent back to speak to his wife . I certainly wouldn’t be welcoming him home .

Please tell your friend, new baby or not she will want to know. Wouldn’t you?

Absolutely he's met someone else and something has happened to make him leave.

She may be pregnant for example. So brace yourself for more revelations.

Your in laws are no longer your friends. He will defending his shit behaviour by telling them you drove him to it.

History will be rewritten. Your marriage was always shit. You were always a bad wife. He was an angel to put up with it as long as he did.

So take action.

• gather as much information as you can. Payslips, bank accounts, pension information .
• get an appointment with a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to. Start divorce proceedings asap (show him you mean business).
• do not try and win him back. Blank him. He needs to grovel to you not the other way round hence the point above.
• absolutely send the children to the in laws this weekend so he can spend quality time with his children and explain what's happening.
• tell your friends what he's done. Don't let him give his version of events first.

In short take the wind from his sails and own what happens next.

God what a cowardly way to do it. Leave a letter.

im sorry i also suspect an affair, op most of those are conducted in working hours. Of course they are, you wouldn’t think it was only people with hobbies who are over the side.

hes not engaging as he feels so guilty and you will know he’s lying. However you’re right, the kids need to be told. So tell him you’d prefer you did it together, otherwise you will sit them down at the weekend and tell them.

Something some of us should have said: please go to the doctor and have a good physical to make sure you haven't been exposed to an STI.

I am so sorry. I have just read this about your parents op.

Can you afford a counsellor? You need someone on your side in rl 💐💐. As well as everyone on here rooting for you obviously 💪

My father did exactly this to my mother. She came home to a note on the table. It was the second time he had left her. The first time , 10 years before, he did the whole it’s me, I need time apart etc. said he was moving to a cheap hotel near his office. Mummys was so worried about him she asked me to put him up in my flat until he had proper housing sorted which he did for 3 days. Turned out that he had already bought another house with his OW and stayed with me despite this to maintain the fiction. He maintained the story, with long calls to her about his mental journey and struggles for nearly a year until I got fed up and found about the flat via a detective agency.

I am so sorry for you. But please, don’t take on shame for this

Op. He told you.

”He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore”

he’s told you there is another woman, he just didn’t spell it out. But it’s right there in his letter.

All of this.

To keep yourself busy, and while he's out of the house, make copies of all his financial stuff. Everything and anything paperwork wise. Better to have it and not need it.

And remember MN is always here if you need support. It's silly how it's just words on a screen, but it really does help.

I’d agree he’ll have a plan B woman, they will conveniently meet now he’s single. In six months they will be together playing happily families.

100 per cent he's been lining someone else up.

I'm so sorry.

Get a lawyer. Make sure you get what you want in terms of DC share.

@Thestockpot66 i quite agree that a face to face discussion should be the absolute minimum. But, how many man will sit there and admit that actually, they’ve been banging Tina from accounts? And, despite the promises they made and the commitments they have (including bloody children, and that bit always pisses me off the most) they have decided to trot off and live with her in the land of many shags? Spineless wankers, leaving bewildered and often damaged children in their wake, not to mention wives and partners? I fucking HATE it. I wouldn’t go NEAR an attached man with children (or without actually) if he had a 12 inch diamond dick and £20 million in the bank. It’s awful.

I really feel for you OP and I am so angry on your behalf that your spineless husband is putting you in the position of having to hold it all together for your children while he runs back to his mummy to hide!

However this turns out, remember this moment because he has let you down very badly here.
Even if it turns out there isn't another woman you need to make him understand how hurtful and unfair his behaviour has been. Don't let him off the hook here whatever you do.

Things to check:
Bank accounts you can access for any unusual payments or transfers into other accounts
Social media accounts for any constantly recurring engagement from a woman or man that you don't already know (or that you do but it seems excessive for their existing relationship)
His stuff around the house eg pockets and notebooks

Yes this. Even if he does decide he wants to work things out, do you now? Will he ever be the man you thought he was after he treated you and the children so carelessly?

Bloody hell. That’s awful I’m so sorry.

I bet he told his mother you threw him out . That's why he got nasty .

Sending unmumsnetty hugs OP. It sounds as though your world has been turned upside down. You’ve had excellent advice here from wiser heads than mine. It’s time to quietly get your ducks in a row and prepare for the worst, whilst hoping for the best if that brings you comfort.

He wasn't struggling.

That's why.

He was having fun shagging someone else while you did the wife work.

There wasn't anything for you to notice.

The question is what has changed?

He wrote he wants his freedom. What a cliche. Freedom to do what's he's already been doing. So.....

• the OW has given him an ultimatum that she will tell you so he's trying to buy time and hopes that when the affair comes to light you will miss him sooo much you'll forgive his infidelity
• OW is pregnant and thus fucked either way so figures you won't forgive but she will still want him.
• OW is probably a work colleague and she's threatening his job in some way unless he leaves you
• he actually wants to be with her and not you but too much of a coward to admit this

All not your fault. All him.

Get lawyered up asap. He will start off saying he will pay for xyz but that will change. Get ahead of the curve. Take sick leave/holiday from work to see solicitors and collate information.

My initial thought is he's met someone else. Especially with it happening so abruptly with no animosity build up.