H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

the exact same thing happened to me! My husband completely out of the blue told me he wanted to split up as he wanted freedom and wasn’t happy. There has been ZERO signs that he was struggling before then. Everything seemed completely normal and loving between us before then. He kept denying there was another woman and he made me out to be some crazy, jealous nutjob! Eventually I did find out that he had been having a long term affair with a woman at his work. He had been coming home at the normal time and didn’t go out anywhere at the weekends so I had never suspected anything. Turns out they had been having sex in his car, going to her house on their lunch breaks and occasionally booking days off work to spend together too

Another woman. She’s given him an ultimatum.

What an awful shock, so sorry 🙁

👏👏👏. Very well put.

This . I would do the same . I bet the Rat had told his Mother he's been kicked out . In a few months the OW will appear as a new squeeze and is "helping " to mend his broken heart .

So sorry you're going through this. I've been there and it's hands down the hardest thing I've been through.
He's a prize twat. Tale as old as time and there's another woman for sure.
See a really good lawyer now. Find all financial documents.
Don't waste money on couples counselling like I did. If his mind is made up, he won't change it.
Focus on your children and putting them first.
For the first few weeks, the books that helped keep me going were:
How to heal a broken heart by Rosie Green, and Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark.
Also read the Chump lady blog and website

I'd be asking him which half of every week going forward he wants 24/7 care of the DC tbh. As you want more freedom too.

www.chumplady.com/the-pick-me-dance/

Link to chump lady. Essential reading.

Absolutely this. Half of every week and half of every holiday and every 2nd weekend.

50/50

Don't let him shrug off his responsibility

He wants more freedom? To do what? He has totally resolved all responsibility, including telling the children and has blamed you. He has someone else, probably at work which is why he came home moody on Monday.

He has abandoned you, are there any cultural issues which would influence his behaviour? He has said he will pay half of the bills and it is up to you as to how much he has the DC. Can you afford half of the bills? Text him and tell him it’s 50/50 which starts now.

Don’t accept his bullshit. I’m so sorry for your shock, but there will be more to come and he is already playing the victim. Look after yourself.

Chump lady has a book also. And Helen Thirn Get DivorcedBe Happy

Exactly why to start this weekend with a weekend at the in laws where he can care for his children.

Very cowardly if him to act in this way. There's someone else on the scene probably online. He owes it to you today talk about how he came to this. I'd also get some legal advice.

No . It will be shoot the messenger. He needs to tell the children he's leaving home . Other wise when they are older he will twist the narrative.

Don't lie to the kids.

He's clearly being cruel no matter what the reasons for his departure.

Get on with your life and stop chasing him.

As for your parents, it's none of their business and they don't get to tell you you've not tried hard enough.

When I asked my h for a trial separation and he left I asked what I should tell our son who was living at home. He said the truth. It's just bollocks as I couldn't tell him the literal truth and I just think it shows the crap low measure of the man.

It's someone from work.

As for the no change in routine, my h had a slight change in his, nothing that wasn't believable but yes, turned out he was fucking someone else's wife.

I feel sad that so many of us have experienced this kind of pain and upset. 😞

Yup. When a man says "I want more freedom" what he means is "I want to stick my penis in the 22 year old I've been flirting with at work without guilt".

Sorry OP, he's absolutely spineless to leave you a fucking Dear John (Dear Jen?) and expect you to just go "oh ok then, guess my marriage is over! Oh well! Best tell the kids!" What an absolute coward. I'm fuming for you. If my husband did that I think I'd end up the subject of a true crime documentary.

Definitely somebody else involved. This happened to a lovely lady over the road from us he denied and denied but lo and behold once she paid him out of the house all was revealed - other woman.
Very sorry to read how he has treated you.
Get your finances in order find a paper trail. Keep your head he is further on than you. Now is not the time to fall to pieces.💐

What's wrong with these men?

Imagine the outrage if OP as a mum had done this?

OP you deserve better. Whatever his reasons he is a spineless selfish coward who you don't really know after all as he has kept himself to himself.

When I was a teen, a teen mate was banging a married man at work every day.

Sorry but this is an affair, almost certainly. It’ll be with a work colleague.

What a bastard. I’m so so sorry. Please talk to your friend, she may too far away for a hug but I’m sure she’d want to know and support you however she can.

Do not let IL look after the dc. He has to do it, they are his dc.

I'm sorry OP. I'm in agreement with others and another woman is probably on the scene. Just because he's at home or work doesn't mean a thing. He could be texting someone, has he spent more time on his phone lately or has he been behaving shifty with it?

I'm sorry OP. He's a spineless coward. He sounds like he's reading off The Script. I think it very likely that he's got a mistress. You need to protect yourself and the children by obtaining as much information as possible on the financial situation / assets / debts/ mortgage etc. Once you have gathered information its time to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling on divorce proceedings. He's no longer someone to be trusted and you need to put yourself and the children first and secure your future. Gather all of your important paperwork / passports and make sure he cant clean out any joint accounts.