H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

If this is really super sudden, maybe he should get checked for a brain tumor? Not defending his actions at all and I'm sure such drastic decisions happen but seems very very sudden

What would happen if (and obvs you shouldn't do this, but thought experiment) if you rang him and said 'you know what, I've thought about this and you're right, life is too difficult and I want to be free. I've decided to walk away from the kids too - I'm going to leave them with your parents, am sure they'll be fine. Please don't contact me, that's just playing a silly game.'

LOL

Mine left the country just after Christmas (having not seen the kids for 3 months because he was working, and not bothering to call them because he thought we all just sat quiet in a wardrobe if he wasn't there), having deferred and deferred telling them that we'd split for a week, not telling me when he'd be back in the country, and when I finally got a reply, he suggested 'Easter'. Not that he came back to the country until July in the end.

I told the kids myself. Luckily (?) he'd been doing less and less with them for months/years, so I could say that it wouldn't make any difference, and whilst the eldest was upset at first, a couple of weeks later he came to me and said I was right, that actually it was no different at all.

Grey rock, was the best thing I ever did. I am not responsible for what he did, and I'm not here to service him any more. He can put in the effort or not as he chooses. We had complicated finances and he was extremely lazy and switched solicitors 3 times, so it cost me 17k to get it all finalised, but was worth every penny. He sees them less than once a fortnight now, doesn't make any effort for Christmas/birthdays (although his new partner does - I feel sorry for her really), and the kids could not care less.

@Solost200 notice this thread is filling up. Hope you will start a new one once you are a little further down the line and come back for support (ignoring the male apologist comments here, there is huge support for you and your DCs).

Good luck with the solicitors today - and I hope they advise you to grey rock the selfish bastard. What he did to your DD was unforgivable. You will get through this - it seems overwhelming now, but as a mum I know that we do seem to have the superpower of digging deep and holding it together for our kids. It’s totally wrong that so many men can’t - and for that I possibly would blame his mum and dad. He’s at least partly a product of their making and if his values are so shot that he can walk out of his family with no prior indications of there being anything wrong, then they need to take a long hard look at how they’ve raised him.

We’ve had our struggles - two teens with ASD/ADHD and one with severe, chronic MH issues that have had us in A&E and exploring sections etc. DH has found it heart wrenchingly hard, esp during COVID when he was laying people off via zoom and worrying whether he’d be let go any minute. He felt utterly powerless and it didn’t help I was having my menopause at the time too. Did he fuck off? No. He dug deep and our relationship, after a few bad years, is so much stronger now. THAT is what a man does. It’s what my PiLs would expect of the son they raised.

It will not seem it now, but you are totally well shot of him - if he can’t cope with family life when it was in a good place, what would he be like when it gets tough? He doesn’t deserve you, or your children. Please know that. Sending more unmumsnetty hugs.

I think he’s probably been planning this for a while.

It seems very premeditated to have planned to have a day off and go back to the house and to ILs etc which I don’t know if he’d be able to do if he had a brain tumour or something.

Thinking of you and your DC, @Solost200 . [HUG]
Neither you nor DC deserve to be treated like this.

Ugh, threads like this make me so mad on behalf of the OP.

My BIL did this to my SIL. One day just decided after being married for 10 years with 2 children that he 'didn't want to settle down' and 'wasn't ready to be a father'.... Errrr, well it's a bit late for that!

She was left to pick up the pieces, soldier on for the children and explain why their father wasn't interested anymore. He started to want more contact after a couple of years and (surprise surprise) was in a new relationship. He then accused SIL of poisoning the children against him when they weren't thrilled to see their long lost dad.

OP, you are handling this with grace and dignity and how dare he put it on you to have upset your DD.

I hope you have a productive meeting. Hold your head high!

Thinking of you

Maybe you should get checked.

OP, from now on you need to assume that he is not your friend and may even be actively working against your interests and the childrens'. Take every step to protect yourself financially. People often get caught out in this situation because they still think they can trust their partner. For example, would you be able to cope financially if he suddenly emptied your bank accounts? Or is it possible for him to run up debt in your name? Set up a bank account he cannot access today if you don't have one already.

@FellowshipOfTheBing My BIL did this to my SIL. One day just decided after being married for 10 years with 2 children that he 'didn't want to settle down' and 'wasn't ready to be a father'.... Errrr, well it's a bit late for that!

This is so incredible, as are sadly so many of the stories here.

I'd recommend you are as amenable and helpful as possible to him and his parents seeing and speaking to the children.

Make it quite clear - consistently and on record - you expect them all to maintain a relationship with the children/grandchildren and that you'll facilitate that, as it's best for the children to see the people who love them.

Let them - encourage them - to phone him and the grandparents and ensure you can hear what is said. Record conversations.

Keep records of contacts.

You don't want a later narrative of 'my crazy ex / vicious DIL is stopping us seeing the children'.

And you certainly don't want a 'we desperately wanted to be able to see you but your mother ... ' fed to your children. They might believe them.

Awful though you must have felt seeing your daughter in distress on the phone, the alternative (shielding her by saying no) would have had worse effects. You did right. 🫂

Make it clear that consistency and reliability, participating in their lives etc are expected and welcomed.

And that they will be making equal effort to ensure it all happens.

However you may be feeling about the worm right now, it's vital - and yes this is going to be incredibly hard work. Look on it as being an actor playing a part. He managed that for long enough. So can you.

It's likely the OW we're all expecting to crawl out of the woodwork soon will be none too pleased about this so with any luck he'll be getting it in the neck from her.

No joke I know a couple where a man started acting differently one day and that's what it was.

@Solost200 Reading some of your messages, particularly about your parents finding a way to blame you if you confide in them, makes me think that after you've got all the legal ground work laid, you need to solicit some therapy so you can stop blaming yourself and see that you are entitled to better treatment from the people around you. If my daughter's husband abandoned her and her three children I'd do everything in my power to support and protect her and my grandchildren and there'd be no coming back for that man. And that's what you're owed. If my son abandoned his wife and my grandchildren he'd be out on his arse, and that's what he's owed. He sounds spoiled and you sound the opposite.

I think more men unexpectedly fuck off and leave their wives and kids because they’re selfish bastards, than those who have brain tumours which make them starting acting like bastards.

She isn't . She's been told a pack of lies initially by her son probably along the lines that he was kicked out and after speaking to OP whose husband told her to say nothing to no-one now knows it's not true .

If I was his mother and he turned up saying he had left his wife home and children so he could have freedom he would be told to go back home or find somewhere else to go .

I certainly wouldn't be letting him play happy families for the part of the holiday he still wanted to pretend to be the doting father. The way he has flat out denied his wife or children any closure is utter cowardice, however I still believe there's more to this and he's met someone else. He wasn't at work when he said he was and lied to his own parents about his whereabouts, so where was he really?

But now she knows OPs version of events and still chooses to allow him to stay, she is enabling the situation to continue and making it look like she is taking sides in this.

The ones I know who did this without a medical cause were awful from the beginning, and there were also many signs beforehand.

Why are you laying blame at the MIL’s feet? Are you going to mention FIL? What’s his role in this?

@Kate8889 , maybe my XP had a brain tumour and that's why I ended up in A&E. Poor lamb is probably dead now with me blaming his cheating and foul temper for what he did.

I just wanted to say you are doing incredibly OP, your kids are lucky to have you. Good luck with the solicitor, I hope they’re helpful and understanding.

I hope the solicitor is helpful OP. So sorry you’re going through this xx

Why don't you tell me? Has be been on the phone to OP feigning uselessness as well then?