H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Just want to say you didn’t miss anything. Whatever has been going on has been deliberately concealed from you.

You have also been on the receiving end of ‘deflect 101’ - he won’t talk to you until you calm down, you shouldn’t have rung him.

He is showing you the real him after a long period of lying to your face.

I wish you as peaceful a day as possible given the situation OP.

You are not at fault at all, your dc wanted to speak to her dad, he is the one that ran without a word, refused to call then Casey said he’s not coming back, he’s a total pig for this behaviour and you are not to blame

Maybe I’ve watched too much Tik Tok true crime, but I’d be wary of someone who’s checked out in this bizarre and cold way. Don’t try and see him and keep interactions business only via solicitor.

He’ll have checked out emotionally weeks or even months ago and built a mental wall between him and you/the children in order to cope with/justify to himself that he’s leaving.

Spot on.

Yes agree don’t expend any energy / effort resources / emotion towards him - he’s either a very bad person or having some sort of mental breakdown. Concentrate on yourself and the children only they need you so you have no choice but to be strong for them - they are a parent down now.

As rhe mother of an adult son I'm not sure I'd be able to put up with this. Just discussing it with my dh and he's said he wouldn't have it, that he'd call the GP and insist on a psych evaluation if ds wasn't honest about wtf was going on.

What a vile man. He's just decided he doesn't want kids anymore. If I was his mum I'd be throwing him out on the streets tbh. You're a full grown man who made some children. Grow the fuck up. Going running back to mummy and daddy like a child beucase you don't like having responsibilities.

I'm genuinely lost for words OP. You are doing great.

You are doing amazing OP. I wouldn't contact him or the IL's again tbh. Start your claim with CMS today, get all of the financial info that you can and ensure that you and the dc are well looked after.
Another woman will emerge shortly, brace yourself for that. Also for him and your IL's to rewrite your history, they will do it out of embarrassment. Concentrate on you and the children.

Wow, what a scumbag. I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your lovely children ❤️

Thinking of you and your children OP. You absolutely did the right thing in calling the landline, your daughter wanted to speak to her father. What an absolute arsehole telling her over the phone and in that way.

Echo everyone else, don't engage with him now, let him come to you, keep everything in writing and get your ducks in a row. I am so sorry.

You shouldn’t be charged until you have signed a retainer. Check with the solicitor whether the cost of the initial consultation would be included in your bill if you sign a retainer. It may or may not be

Its absolutely not your fault that your child is upset after speaking to her father over the phone. Its his fault, as he disappeared with no explanation and was hiding at his parents house, leaving his children without telling them. What a coward.
I wonder what he did expect, if anything at all. That you drop the bomb to the children and do all the work with them being upset and feeling they had done something wrong as well as doing all the usuall parent work.

It is good that you are backing off the communication with him and his parents.

It is not for you to chase him. Your energy is needed elsewhere. He has left, he has terminated the contract, he isn’t your DH right now, so you don’t have to do wifey duties. If someone left you in the lurch, you then don’t enable them to carry on doing it.

I’ve had a couple of issues with my DH in the past 30 years when he didn’t want to be married. Not sure what that was all about, MN wasn’t around to spell it out for me, but we are still together.

When this happens I think that being upset, pleading with them, trying to understand and talk to them, doesn’t help. In fact I think it makes them more resolute, and it feeds their ego for some sick reason. I have friends who are doing the pick me dance right now, and it is not working and they are in limbo land. Their DH’s behaviour is unacceptable because no one is holding them accountable.

I am absolutely sure that the reason why I am still with my DH is because on both occasions I told my DH to go fuck himself. I said, fine, go on then. Do you want me to get some bin bags to help you pack your stuff? I got up, went to the gym. I looked after myself. I applied for a new job, took up a new hobby, I went out with friends. I showed my DH that when he was not with me, my life was still great, in fact it was better. In secret I cried my eyes out and was heart broken. I even had interviews to go live in Australia and he got very upset as that was his dream with me. Also, I learned quickly that his parents took his side, and so I don’t bother with them much now. That is a poor ROI for me.

Maybe he is still here because I am too stroppy to leave.

If you can, drop the rope on him. Get some nice things in your diary for the summer holidays without him. Have a good time, even if it makes you feel sick to the stomach. I’m pretty sure that when he sees that your life has gone on without him, and he is missing out, he may come around and you can either sort it out, or start closing this episode off. Or, you might decide you like the new you, and can’t be arsed with having him back. Listen to “I’ve had a little time” by The Beautiful South.

I know it is tough with young DC. Mine are older now, and if my DH ever says to be he doesn’t want to be married, that is fine by me. I don’t need a man now.

Don’t ever let a man strip you of your dignity, your self respect and your self worth.

I also agree with some of the GM’s/ MIL’s on here. I have 2 lovely sons, but I have already told them that I wont be putting up with any shitty behaviour towards wives and DGC, and they will be in serious trouble. I don’t think this is hot air, because I’ve seen it in my own family where my parents went ballistic at something similar.

His behaviour is completely disgusting. Moving out of the house you share with the kids without talking about it to them face to face is absolutely crap and puts you in an impossible position. And then blaming you for upsetting them - literally whatever you did here would be wrong. I'm so angry with him on your behalf.

Hopefully this has sped up the process of coming to terms with the fact that the man you knew or thought you knew has gone, and the man thats left will not do the right thing

Good luck at the solicitors and hang in there.

This emotion that your eldest is feeling will never leave her. She will always have a nag at the back (or front) of her mind that her Dad's love is not unconditional, not unbreakable, not constant or reliable.

He's done that to her in that one action.

And she will also know, for sure, that her Mum's love is unconditonal, is constant, is reliable and unbreakable. Because you were the one that stayed with her while he hid in the dark, cowering from his own selfishness.

Op you sound amazing , the way you are putting your children first , something unfortunatarely your husband isn't doing
Whatever his reasons that is irrelevant, he is making his own decision of how to behave and that's not in your control , you are doing an amazing job of trying to be the parent your children need . You haven't given ages but I guess they are fairly young . He has left you with a hard task but if you can I would try and sit down with them and tell them that you don't know why but daddy has decided he needs to be somewhere else and that he is safe and living with grandma ( and grandad ?) and you hope one day they will see him again but you don't know when that is at the moment , reassure them that it's ok to feel emotions about that . Tell them that you feel upset but that nothing changes at home and you will be there for them . Sometimes you may feel sad or upset or angry and that's normal . Tell them you love them and you will be there to answer any questions but you might not know the answer

My heart breaks for you but you sound amazing

Wow I’m sorry to generalise but men are just shit bags. I have no faith in any of them. How they can have a beautiful family and home and just abandon them for no apparent reason. I’m sorry to say but I’m pretty sure there’s another woman. I was in a similar situation and looking back blaming myself. Stay strong it’s nothing you have done.

This infuriates me how he thinks he can just check out of all his responsibility.

Fair enough he doesn't want to live there anymore but he can't choose not to be a father.
Id make sure he knew he still needed to do the clubs and pick ups etc. If he's not going to he needs to pay for someone else to do it on top of his normal contributions.

I understand your pain, confusion and anger but you need to disentangle yourself from the hope that this is a momentary lapse in judgment/ behaviour. This man does not care about you or the emotional welfare of kids. He’s doing what every cowardly man does in this situation, he rewrites history with him as the victim. It’s a narrative he will be feeding his parents and anyone who will listen. Take him at his word, he isn’t coming back.

Talk to your children. Be as factual as possible in a way appropriate to their years. Keep telling them that you love them and you aren’t going anywhere. If they ask you why, tell them the truth, you don’t know why but whatever it is it isn’t theirs or your fault.

I understand why you’d want to push for him to still have contact with his children but given his behaviour, that might not necessarily be in their best interests. I would contact MIL and ask if she’d want to maintain contact with her grandchildren. Offer your home as a contact location just in case your children are distressed about visiting her, their father could ignore them or just be absent when they visit. Your children need the security and love you can offer because at the moment their father is doing the opposite.

Finally, get IRL support. Screaming into the abyss can only get you so far and release from the stress of navigating this highly volatile path, is best done far away from your kids.

I am sorry this has happened but from one survivor of a shitty man, you will come through this and it will make you stronger.

Agree with above, your child needed to here it from the ' horses mouth ' for as sad as it was she's now knows the truth, like you she's hurting and confused now but she's knows, together you both can heal and support one another, its ewful how's he has conducted himself, your doing great, stay strong, he can avoid you, blank you, how dare he tho, but the children he can't, yes he needs to explain to them, please don't let him gaslight you , wow wat a piece of work he is,

I have nothing new to add to the fantastic advice you have had so far. Definitely take a step back and stone rock him. You will find out why in the end as it always comes out and right now he’s just trying to victim blame you.

Sending you love and support and I hope the appointment with the solicitor goes well. I would definitely use this time to get your ducks in order with regards to paperwork and get a CMS claim in as that can take a while to go through. Sometimes dealing with the practicalities can really help you through.

But he can. Men and women do it every single day. Every single day. Often it’s about the first to walk. My mother walked out on us, my father raised us. I’m currently watching a program on tv about foundlings, babies abandoned. Men and women abandon their kids every single day. Both genders, it is not uncommon. Plenty of threads from women on here where the father is the primary carer.

it’s not a man thing or a woman thing, both genders do it. There is no test you need to take before conception checking if you’re a decent person. Anyone can procreate, and anyone can walk away when ever they fancy, and sadly often do.