H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

God help her if he does have another woman. Who could watch this unfolding, the cavalier dropping of a marriage, kids and a life, and think, um, I have a catch here? Marriages end all the time, if you don't want to be in a relationship you end it civilly and with respect to your ex and children. You don't brutally end if and try to walk away with no explanation or guilt. He is a weak man. I am beginning to think they all are, or most of them. Women are by far the strongest of the sexes in character, it is just that most women don't realise this. Men put themselves first, even the ones you think are as straight as an arrow can turn out to be slippery snakes.

Following the ‘script’ to the letter. There is someone OP in the wings. Be prepared in a few months for him to present her as his newly met partner. Thing is, not ‘new’ at all. She’s been there from the start. He’s checked out, no longer going to do his best by you, so you need to stay strong and look after the interests of you and your children. Many of us have been there, and in the initial stages can’t believe that they would treat you this way. But they do. Don’t let him manipulate you.

Remember being in the hairdressers and an elderly lady sadly said her grandson had left his girlfriend with a child. Every woman in there of every age and social class including his own grandmother were in agreement on their view of him.

“He sent me a very long text saying that it was my fault eldest is upset, that I was using her to emotionally blackmail him and he wasn't going to play that game with me.”

Your eldest is upset because he has left and didn’t tell her himself. Ex DH is annoyed that you made him step up and parent. He wanted you to deal with emotional fall out of his decision. Leaving a marriage is not wrong. Ignoring your children is.

Wow OP, you’re doing so well. Make sure you’re getting some real life support. Can you take the kids and go visit your friend for the weekend?

But it happens time and time again ! I have witnessed it with friends and work colleagues several times .
Certain things never change ; the ex is always mad , she is stopping him seeing the DC and she is taking all his money .
While the OW owes the ex nothing , I will never understand why so many woman thing it’s a good idea to take up with a married man with children .,

I think there’s a number of men’s rights activists who amuse themselves on Mumsnet by targeting any threads about men. They try to derail and cause distress to vulnerable OPs by defending the indefensible. As in here

“ many he’s just gone for a holiday “
“ maybe he misses his mum “
“maybe he's having a breakdown “
“ seeing your kids once a year isn’t a abandoning them”

If the Op gives more information eg actually hes not been interested in sex for the last year or the kids have SN , they will turn that against her and blame her

“ well no wonder he's left you, a man has his needs “
” what did you think would happen if you denied him sex”
” it’s very stressful for a man to deal with SN kids, maybe he cant take anymore, have you been giving him enough attention “.

They come up with more and more implausible ideas about why he might have left and then they attack other posters who points out the most likely reason is always an affair.

You can spot them because they spend a lot of time saying that no one (apart from them ) can KNOW anything and we can’t state FACTS ( when it’s opinions) and everyone apart from them HATES men and wants to destroy marriages and we are all evil and want to ruin the OPs life.

That last paragraph is what they think of Mn as a whole and it’s why they are here. They want to destroy safe online spaces for vulnerable woman.

Ive noticed most of them have very “ girly “ user names eg PrettySophie, Mummyaged29, SexyDoll

Currently he is very happy with his decision, he has taken a positive step to make his life better blah blah. It quite possibly didn't properly occur to him that what is exciting/positive news for him would not be for his child. Hence him just blurting it out like that. When she was (obviously) upset he didn't use that as an opportunity for self-reflection but instead thought "hmm, this must be my wife's influence. Normally daughters would be happy for their dads and want them to live their best lives". So he blames you for her reaction. Also he blames you for the small niggle of guilt his daughter getting upset triggered in him.

Basically, he is selfish, can't fully comprehend that other people (especially your children) might not be as happy with his choices as he is, and he has an external locus of control (I am not happy in my life: It must be the woman I'm with. I feel guilty: It must be someone trying to emotionally blackmail me).

It's disturbing how quickly the narrative he's putting out is shifting to YOU being the problem. So the children are upset because YOU made him talk to them? It literally has not occurred to him that him just disappearing might be the problem?

I think it's good you're seeing a solicitor quickly. His letter says he'll pay his share of th ebills but I wonder how quickly that will change.

Good advice.
Just make sure you change any pass words on your bank accounts. Read the meters etc. Register for single adult occupancy on council tax.
Put a note on the savings account or freeze it. Check any benefits available to you. Entitled to website.
Get the house valued too. I have never been divorced but plenty of my friends have. Staying in the marital home ties you to your ex for years. The new woman if there is one will be a pain in the arse for nineteen years.
I'm an angry woman so I would downsize if possible and live a different life.
A bastard who can do this to his kids is a shit not worth having. Big girls pants on and tell him to fuck off. Good luck x

Get the divorce rolling ASAP now while he is in the state of mind he is in. He is likely to change when more people know what has happened a they get down his ear with 'advice'.

I agree. Or his latest mistress has ended it and he has reassessed.

and this:
He's not struggling, he just can't justify his actions

stop contacting him and contact a solicitor instead. Toure about to find out he wasnt the man you thought he was.

And he stops feeling any guilt at all

Interestingly, your MIL is also taking on blame. I noticed she said they made look family look easy so they are to blame.

It's all so f* up, I am so sorry.

@J0S You aren't being very fair. SOMEONE needs to point out on every thread that opinions on the subject would be very different if the roles were reversed. It really makes the rest of us think. And if not them then who else could fill that important role?

The solicitor is there to guide you so don't worry that you don't know what to expect, it's their job to tell you.

I started the divorce proceedings in October and filed on line. It was just under £600. My legal bill with the solicitor is around £10k at the moment but I'm in the SE.

You will need 12 months worth of statements, all financial information, how much you spend on everything now and what you will need in the future. It all goes on a Form E.

My DC are aged 19-23 and the STBEH is being unforgivably bad with them. It's 100% his fault the marriage is over but even if it wasn't, the children haven't done anything wrong. One of them is done with him and didn't do anything for Father's Day. The others did the absolute bare minimum.

He went to his mother's and has been living there for nearly a year. I understand he's her son and she loves him but if it was my son he'd be getting a rather stern talking to. I'm the mother of her grandchildren, her only GC, where is some actual support for me?

@Solost200 Your super power is that you are a mum so you'll get through this and will come out stronger but it is shit while you are in it and very hard. You have to look after yourself with decent food and rest and wrap yourself with good friends and family to supper you. Plus you have us lot. That's invaluable.

@Roseyjane I'm sorry to hear about your mother leaving, but it is a rarer situation. 80% of single parent households are mothers. There's no point pretending the gender split is equal because it isn't.

I have no practical advice but just want to check in to say you are handling this incredibly well and sound like a very sensible, rational person. Make sure you continue this way as it will make this awful situation much easier for your children.
It is very sad that you and his parents are managing to blame yourselves for aspects of this, yet he doesn't seem to be accepting any blame.
As others have said, I would prepare for the appearance of a 'new' partner in the next 6 months.

You didn't cross a line, you literally did what he did. He left you to deal with the fallout.
He's pissed because he didn't want it to touch him, and he experienced it for 20min.
》Remember he didn't call back!
》Remember he didn't drive over to comfort his child.

He knew dc was in pain and did nothing but blame you.

He is beyond disgusting. I'm really sorry your dealing with this.

Yes I noticed this. It’s another women’s fault and not his own.

OP put the CMS claim in for having the children every night.

We had a neighbour who did this to his wife and children, unfortunately - but that's the only example I've heard of in my 64 years.

He lined up their three children, complained that he'd "never had a time to dance" and told them that it was now up to them to look after themselves. ISTR that two of them were still at primary school.

It was all over the neighbourhood because his bewildered MIL kept asking "What did he mean? No time to dance?"

Op how you find the strength to come on here and not call him every name under the sun is amazing but please stop allowing him to put it on you that you're blackmailing him or its because of you your oldest is upset. It's all on him and no one else. In this situation does this so called dad not understand you are in massive shock. You are trying to do what's right for the kids and if you are trying to find a way to get him home then that would be normal too, how the hell are you meant to act??? The reason he won't speak to the kids is because he's a coward and by putting the kids on the phone to him it's forced him to be the coward he is to the kids where as he would prefer to say nothing and just get on with it in the hope the kids don't notice what a @####£# he is. Op it's his loss, I promise you. Sending you and the kids all the best. Xxx

But why he thought telling her over the phone was a good idea is beyond me.

Gently, this was bound to happen if you rang the ILs to get DD to speak to him but that’s not a bad thing.

I feel awful for your DC but you shouldn’t feel guilty for any of this.
You have done nothing wrong and in fact have protected him for your kids sake.

He should have told them face to face but he never would because he’s too much of a coward.
He was keeping his distance until you had no other choice but to tell them and then you’d end up the bad guy.

It was not a nice way for it to happen but I’m glad it has, because although it wasn’t face to face, he was the one who had to break the news and hear how upset they were which will hopefully make him feel guilty for leaving the way he did (although of course he won’t be there to pick up the pieces).

He’s likely either having an affair or a mid life crisis and thinks he can start a relationship with someone with no commitments and live a care-free lifestyle.

He will most likely try and come crawling back in a few weeks/months when he realises that the grass isn’t greener.
Don’t let him.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman and I’m sorry you’re being put through all of this.

Perhaps see if your parents or ILs could watch the kids for a weekend so you can go to a cheap hotel and have a night or 2 of feeling sorry for yourself.

The hardest part of this is that your world has literally been turned upside down but you’re having to be strong and almost protect him, just to protect your kids.

He has lost an incredible woman and mother.

Just coming back to say WORRA CUNT!

One thing I realise with these men/women, it's not that you weren't/aren't good enough it's that they aren't good enough. There's something missing in them that they can't have relationships where they have to be the adult, they have to be the ones offering unconditional love.

In a way you're better off him having left because at least you and your mum have had a loving man in your lives.

I had both my parents as emotionally neglectful and unloving. They provided for my physical needs but never cared about me. They just wanted me to be there to love them and meet their emotional needs without really wanting to reciprocate. After tons of therapy (it takes a lot when it's both parents and no real loving substitute!) I DO realise it was something missing in them not in me. They shouldn't have been parents as they were lacking what it takes.

I don't know why your DF can love this other woman but there will be something about her that boosts his fragile ego.