H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

If I was his mother I'd be pointing all that out just before giving him his marching orders

No child of mine would behave like that to his family whilst hiding in my house

this has been shocking to read OP and you will no doubt be in shock/disbelief & confusion for some time. Your head must be in a whirl.

It might be useful in the confusion to remember just how dreafully and selfishly he treated his daughter!!! Just as well she has an amazing mother.

Sending strength and a fierce desire to find yourself a SHL.

I hope you have some clarity from the solicitor and I hope you can keep strong. Good luck to you and the kids.💐

Well, he's a piece of work isn't he?

What a selfish, nasty, uncaring individual. It sounds like he doesn't care about his children at all. Your eldest will never forget this, my heart breaks for them.

Like others, i did wonder whether he was having some sort of breakdown but on every thread I've read here where the husband suddenly calls time on the relationship, posters have said there will be another woman. I've not known them to be wrong yet.

Strength, op.

It sounds like his parents are genuinely worried for his mental health, so I can understand why they're not

@TheTartfulLodger

Maybe MIL does not know what to believe. Or who .

No.

Assuming she is not a bad person, she has been dumped on and will want to help make things right.

If she kicks him out she may suspect he will end up in the arms of another (the other) woman. She thinks it is better to give him a chance to rethink, and hope that she can help bring him to his senses before it is too late. She does not want to lose his son. Equally she does not want to lose access to her grandchildren...note the one condition he made was that he could take the kids on the annual family holiday. He knows the kids mean a lot to her.

It is helpful for OP that he is with his mum. She will be around during those early awkward days of access, and perhaps the person who can help OP having to see/speak to her DH. OP will also be reassured, now she knows that her DH is both unreliable in insensitive, that the kids are looked after.

Relationships between mums and adult sons are strange. The power often lies with the son and the mum won't want to lose him and will want to support him. Which does not mean that she is not aware of his behaviour, or that she wont want to support OP in finding a constructive solution to, say, access.

Whereas I know many men who behaved exactly like this with no medical cause. Unless they all have undiagnosed brain tumours.

Just caught up with your updates.

You shouldn’t feel bad about calling MIL. Ex had the opportunity to talk to eldest and had options to do it in a controlled way (eg in person tomorrow as it’s the weekend ) instead of wallowing in his own self pity. Hearing her dad’s words is better than imagining something even worse because he won’t talk to her. He should realise that as an adult, your dd is owed a fucking explanation. Talking to you is one thing but ignoring the kids is unacceptable. I’m really angry on behalf of you and eldest.

Well he has truly shown his true colours, he must seem unrecognisable to you op, I remember thinking mine had been overtaken by an alien. He was no longer the man I knew, the mask dropped.

The cruelty in him is worrying, I still believe this man is being influenced, by ow, his mother, maybe a friend whose been through divorce. He is provoking you, anyone in your shoes would be fuming, I reckon he knows you're going to blow and he will use your anger as another reason why he had to leave, don't allow him to blackmail you on that one.

Have you seen your GP yet, I would go and take the letter, maybe it's his GP too, it may help you going forwards, this cruelty needs logging down officially.

On another note, if he does come round at some point, the fact that he has changed beyond recognition and his callous treatment of his daughter makes me feel there is a definite lack of empathy and compassion and for that reason I would be wary of him becoming physically abusive, if he shows aggression, you must call the police.

This is not a kind man, there is a dark side to him.

Yes - read about narcissism and sociopathy
ie he is a narcissistic sociopath

There is no need to diagnose.

I agree he's not a kind man and he is being deliberately cruel whilst acting the victim.

For that reason, I wouldn't be encouraging him to see the children at all at the moment. He doesn't seem to have taken their needs, or their feelings into any account at all. He sees them as tools you are using to "manipulate" him.

Therefore I dont' think he is an appropriate person to be around them at the moment.

I think your MIL is trying to help, but I wouldn't trust her 100 per cent. But I'd insist on her supervising any contact if the alternative was him having them on their own.

Good luck x

OP why are you trying to take ANY responsibility for this?

He walked out
He didn’t explain to his child
He won’t discuss it with you
He is trying to gaslight you over being ‘calm’

Hes a dick quite frankly.

I hope if he does want to come home you think long and hard about whether you want him back!

My wife left me like this. I was informed by a scribbled note on a phone pad (that already had some notes on it!). She’s now living with her boss several hundred miles away as far as I know. Affairs that happen at work are very easy for both parties to conceal. You’ve done nothing wrong. Some people aren’t strong enough to keep their promises-they’re the ones that are failures. My son lives with me. My life has moved on. I’m as happy as anyone my age who’s had a heart attack can expect to be.

The affair gave him an ultimatum

Don't feel remotely guilty for calling via landlines- your precious child needed to speak to her father & he has crossed a line for me in dealing with her so callously. You, on the other hand, are being marvellous in a shitty situation - keep strong & good luck

He is being a right shit OP. Doing this on the sly while you are out and scurrying off, not thinking twice about his children who are old enough to understand. I am so so sorry. Your friend and her boyfriend sound fantastic. So glad you have support from them.

Hopefully will help OP make sense of the situation

I can't quite believe some of the other shocking stories on this thread.How callous this man has been to you OP, how you've been told to keep calm.
You are doing amazingly, you sound such a fantastic strong person.
He is a pathetic creature, hope you get some more facts abput what is really going on, soon.

Haha if this thread is anything to go by, they'd be a queue down the road of middle aged fathers waiting for brain scans!

@SingleDadReally I'm so sorry to read that. What a coward. Does she see your son?

Interesting the interpretation of this.. I didn't take this to mean mil was taking blame, I took this as her or him passing the blame on to op, essentially saying we had a good grip of family life you don't and so your husband has left but i realise mil is repeating what she's been told but ultimately it's him that's left so essentially its not his side that's doing anything wrong, it's op, as she isn't making family life as great as he saw it at home is the undertone. I mean I never thought I could hear so much crap come from one man. His explanation of why he left is so ridiculous I think a 3 year old could come up with a better lie.

😳🙄