Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

I mean, it's pretty darn terrible. And it sounds like you wanted to live together but he was having none of it. He wanted to keep his bachelor pad with hardly any traces of you, his partner of 10 years.

I hope the reality is setting in, even though it's not easy to walk away from a 10 year relationship. It may help you to make a list of all the things you do for him and then a list of what he does for you, I cant imagine his side will take long. Then the one sidedness of it will be there in black and white.

Empty the house of your gear. What do you want out of life? Do you ever want your own DC's - if so you've wasted your fertile years on him. If you want someone to live with, accept it will never be with him. Reconnect with those friends who couldn't stand him, for good reason.
You don't need to confront him, you don't need him to confirm anything. It's worth ending it just because of how he has treated you and not taken steps to live with you - 10 years he's had to make that happen!
No need to ask why, no need to accuse. Just say you are done and want more out of life than he has ever given in 10 years.
He will get the hint when he sees your stuff is gone, and he's no need to hide it when the next one comes around.if he bothers calling to ask just say goodbye, it's over, then put the phone down, no need to discuss, he knows full well what he does, as do you.

This is genuinely one of the saddest, most gut-wrenching posts I've read in 21 years on this forum. I truly hope you can take a step back and see this situation for what it is OP. Imagine a friend was describing this situation to you, what would you advise?

I truly hope that you can value yourself enough to shut this vile leech out of your life once and for all. His insidious behaviour and gaslighting have trained you into submission, then he's used you as his own personal lackey whilst he screws around. Please walk away and don't look back.

So this is why you should just get your things out of his house, leave him a message simply saying “It’s not working for me, it’s over”
then just block him.

You don’t have to ever speak to him again.

Having no friends is also not a reason to stay with him. He doesn’t like you, let alone love you but you are very convenient to have around for doing his chores and childcare.

Yes, I agree with previous poster, his daughter is also being a cheeky fucker, asking you to take time off work for her childcare so she can work.

Move on OP and enjoy your life without him. Once he’s out of your life you’ll find new interests and make new friends.
He’s preventing you from doing that at present.

Well, aren't you the mug? Why are you acting as his unpaid servant?

@Lostandconfus3d, staying in this utterly degrading relationship is a exercise in self-harm.

He has a way of making me feel like I’m being over dramatic or over thinking.

Your feelings and boundaries are reasonable and valid, no matter how much he belittles and mocks them. Don’t entertain his bullshit. Don’t give his gaslighting any credence whatsoever.

Frankly, I wouldn’t give him another opportunity to attempt to manipulate and bamboozle you. Cut the cord and end things now before you are diminished beyond recognition.

I’ve actually woken up thinking about you.

It’s so upsetting to think that anyone is living the way you are, waiting for scraps from such a worthless man.

You are trapped not by him and his words but by your own self deprecation and low esteem. You mum and dad would not want this life for you.

I really hope you’ve woken up this morning realising that you can have a wonderful life, you’re so young, and you’ve wasted so much time, please don’t waste a moment more the one you are hurting by staying is you!

I wander what you got out of this relationship, but I’m guessing you didn’t stop and think about your needs and your feelings.
time to do some inner work to heal and learn to set boundaries. Anyway I listened to this podcast and think it would really help you right now.

He's 13 years older ( too old)
He's got erectile dysfunction
He's cheating
What is in this for you that's good in any way? Get rid!

Your place in his life is staff op.. He already has a lover.. Possibly from when you split making you the ow!!

Op, you're only 37. Please please dump this emotionally abusive, unpleasant cheat.

I'm sorry you've lost friends because of this toxic relationship but there is plenty of time to make new friends you just need to focus on your confidence.

Grab all your stuff and leave. Block him and all his using family and don't look back .

Absolutely no gardening or fence painting .

Thanks for all your replies. They have helped me this morning, I’ve read through them several times.
its overwhelming that so many of you are concerned for me and being kind. It’s not an emotion I’m used to being on the receiving end of.

I can genuinely say I don’t know the last time someone was kind to me for no reason you are restoring my faith in other humans.

since I made this post I have went no contact. Usually I message/check in every few hours and always say night/morning etc I have done neither. Not that he’s noticed as I haven’t heard a word. He’s probably glad of the peace.

I slept well but am not feeling good this morning. My heart is racing, I have a pounding sore head and an upset stomach. Think putting out there yesterday and being able to read and reread it has made it hit home how bad things actually were. I couldn’t have came to that realisation without you all.

I need to now decide my next plan of action, how to work up the courage to end it without him gaslighting me and diminishing my feelings. He calls me a “silly baby” or a “silly cookie munchkin” wen I try to stand up for myself and makes me feel like I’m a child being mocked. I can’t stand this to happen another time

'its overwhelming that so many of you are concerned for me and being kind. It’s not an emotion I’m used to being on the receiving end of.'

It's so sad to read this op, you sound such a lovely person. Do you work if not can you volunteer? You really need to find ways to build your confidence it sounds like he has absolutely made you feel worthless. You arent!

I work. I actually have a pretty good job. I excel in it. I successfully run my own home (as well as his 🫤).

I think I just got myself in a bit of an emotional mess. My parents died within 3 years of each other before I was 30 and it left me alone and not really knowing where I belonged and as I have said in PP he has been my only constant.

I think I’ve got myself to a place of thinking we need to stay together at all costs because I can’t lose another person but this isn’t right. I’ve spend the past ten years trying to prove my worth to a man who doesn’t respect me. Even if he isn’t cheating, he’s treating me pretty poorly!

I'm only posting now so that I'll see your update - later today, I hope - that you've gone home, blocked him on all channels, and are congratulating yourself with ice cream and wine on your own sofa!

Your story's heartbreaking. That man's taken so much unfair advantage of your good nature that you've lost sight of who you are and what you're worth. He gaslights you, verbally abuses you, undermines you, shamelessly uses you as a free housekeeper, and cheats on you. You've realised he was faking a future to keep you in line but, tbh, commitment to a life of unappreciated servitude is the last thing you ever needed!

I hope you've gone. Please go. Now.

Think of it this way.

Today you may have met the man you should spend the rest of your life with.

Except you didn't, because you were stuck watching the grandkids of an abusive gaslighting cheat who won't even live with you after ten years.

How long are you going to trap yourself in this mess and miss out on meeting the right person?

You are making ridiculous excuses as to why you can't just leave. "He'll call me a silly baby".....and??? Pack your things (that are hidden from the multiple women he has round) and go. He's not making you stay around. You are making excuses to remain attached to him.

Honestly, you sound fabulous. And I want to shake you through the screen at how you are self inflicting this vile prick onto yourself. Leave xx

I have lost sight of who I am. I don’t even know what I like. What I like doing. Where I like to eat. The full last ten years I’ve found myself sleep walking through life. Eating what he likes, watching what he likes. I need to find myself again.

i’m frightened, genuinely scared of going this alone and not having one single person in the world. But if I continue this on the one person in the world I have will continue to grind me down until I no longer exist.

I will never get answers on whether he cheated or not. He can’t have basic conversations about any sort of emotion I’m feeling so there’s no way he will admit he ever stepped out of our relationship.

Come on, OP, you know he’s taking the piss. I’m sure he can’t believe his luck, having got an unpaid servant who provides sex too.

You’re not too old to find happiness with someone who loves you. But you will soon be too old for babies, so don’t waste any more time.

You don't even have him, once you've left at least you'll have yourself.

There will be a chance to meet new friends, maybe even reconnect with the old ones once he's out of the picture.

Thank everything going that you don't live together, you have a job and no ties to him whatsoever.

Tell his daughter you aren't available for childcare (if you haven't already) and tell him you're done, he knows why. Don't get into discussions, they're all pointless he won't admit to anything or take responsibility.

I know it's easier said than done, believe me, but it needs to be done.

Well done for blocking the nasty fucker. It will feel not what you are used to for a while. Occupy yourself with nice things. I watched the Barbie film last night, also been watching sex and the city recently as it's more about the enduring friendships I think than the shitty men that come and go. You sound lovely and like you have loads going for you. I never understand why men like him don't realise a good person when they have them. He will be trying to persuade you to get back though, most likely when you are just starting to feel better. Try and read some stuff to insulate him against whatever crap he try's to get you back. I'd recommend the Lundy Bancroft book. He sounds like he gaslights you a lot, dismisses you as some silly little woman. You've said yourself you hold down a decent job and it sounds like his life and relationships with his kids and grandkids would be much worse without you. I hope you manage to stay away from this vile waste of space. You sound great and can rebuild friendships without him in your life and get a good support network and hopefully meet someone decent worthy of you.

I'm sorry OP. I hope you are ok. You will be so much better without this twat draining you.

Oh bless you darling of course change is hard but staying where you are isn’t an option as he’s destroying the essence of what makes you special.

Walk away, cry your tears and speak to someone if you need to - therapy might be a good thing to help understand why you tolerated his shit for so long.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t fall for his pathetic attempts to drag you back. Make the break today and ride the emotions. It won’t be easy but every day you’ll get further away from him and closer to who you truly are.

And remember everyone on MN are always here if you need to vent.

So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. The best message I had from a good friend when splitting up from my first husband was not to be afraid of being single / alone. Trust yourself and don’t let his negative opinions of you shape what you do. You don’t need to engage with discussions with him right away. Tell him you need some space to think and take it. You deserve to be happy.

That’s him reached out after me being silent for 24 hours. Sent a few pictures of him and the place he’s staying and said -

Morning gorgeous baby!! You sleep well? xxx

no mention of are you ok, you’ve been quiet etc. the text coming through has sent me into a spiral so I have put on sex and the city as suggested by @jimbort and am going to keep my mind occupied by speaking to you all

Are you in your own home? If not, go there. And tell his daughter something has come up.