Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

I told his daughter I was unwell today and asked that her mother take time off work to mind the kids (which she never does she’s either too busy with work or drinking) I feel terrible I hate letting her down and I love those kids but I needed today for me.

Well done! He'll have sensed that something up and will do his utmost to reel you back in. I highly recommend Barbie. It's really feel good. you can do this, it'll just feel scary cos of a fear of abandonment which is very understandable but he's basically taken advantage of your grief which is a very low thing to do.

He has always taken advantage of my grief. Obviously I had a horrible few years when my parents died. Both were sudden and unexpected. When my mother died he text me to break up with me telling me “it was too much” and that “HE wasn’t going through this again so soon after my dad”

I went through the full funeral process myself he didn’t even come on the day. Then called after it was done and told me he wanted to take me away for the weekend to have some fun

The more you say about him the more it sounds worse and worse. Imagine he behaved this way to someone you really loved. What would you tell them? Some of the friendships you've lost will be because they care about you and can't bear to see you being treated so badly. I know you'll be feeling awful for him but try to realise how he doesn't operate in the loving caring way you do. He sounds scarily like my abusive ex. I am so happy away from ex but it took time and I was shaky for a while. He tried to reel me back in. First by being nice then he turned nasty. The Lundy Bancroft book helped a lot and is free to read online. Once I knew how his mind worked I couldn't unknow it. Well done. You've done a lot of brave stuff today and it's not even lunchtime!!! www.booksfree.org/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download/

He sounds emotionally unhinged..

Please leave this man, he is so utterly horrific. Take it one step at a time like a work project, where breaking up with him is the goal. If this was work, how would you go about doing it?

PS. I'm so sorry about your parents passing away, that must have been devastating losing them both suddenly

Oh, Op. You've been through the wringer. I felt so sad when you said he wouldn't come to your mother's funeral but wanted to take you away afterwards 'to have some fun'. That's sickening. I'm so sorry.
When my dad died, god I was a mess for a while. My partner sat next to me while I watched movies for hours - all of the Jurassic Park films, anything from the 90s, anything familiar and comforting (never thought I'd suggest Jurassic Park films are comforting but there we are!)
We'd go out for food and I'd order three drinks at once. Not to have fun but because grief was a gigantic monster and I didn't know how to cope.

You deserved so much more, you DESERVE so much more. It is time to rebuild, to create a life that is worthy of you. You sound absolutely lovely.

Thanks for sharing this with me. I’m sorry your dad passed but am so happy you have the support that you deserved. I hope you are well now?

This message from him this morning is all about him.

It’s manipulation to get you back where he likes you. Then after a few days of wooing you it will be the same again. Don’t fall for it !
It’s the cycle of abuse.

You should wait until he’s at work, collect your stuff then text him it’s over. Then block on all platforms.There is no need for confrontation or for explaining yourself. If he turns up at your door, you’re not in.If he gets nasty, you call the police.

You sound lovely, OP. At 37 it’s not too late to meet someone else and if you want to, have children of your own. It won’t happen while you’re involved with him.

Leave him.
Get some therapy to work on your self esteem.
Absolutely do the Freedom Programme to allow you to spot red flags in potential new partners. You can do it online. I did it after leaving my abusive ex and it’s an eye opener!

And remember, you’re better off on your own than with the wrong person. I got myself a cat when I got rid of my ex but I’m now with a new partner who’s lovely.

Well done. Try and enjoy the sunshine and have a walk.

He seems to be lacking a huge amount of emotional intelligence (amongst other things)

Read about you parents and his reaction. So sorry, OP 💐

I don't think anything I've read on MN has made me this angry.

Horrible horrible man.

@Lostandconfus3d im so sorry to read about the awful situation you’ve found yourself in. Yes he’s probably cheating but even if he’s not he is emotionally abusive and is taking huge advantage of you. This is not a healthy relationship for you and I really hope you can hold your resolve to end it.

It sounds like you struggle to stand up to him and may have trouble ending things in person without him gaslighting and confusing you. You owe him no courtesy of a conversation given how he has treated you so either you send him a short message telling him it’s over or you write him a letter and leave it at his house for him to read on his return home. Either way you block him on all communication and do not engage with him ever again. There is no need for you to justify your decision to him and you do not need to endure the torrent of abuse you will undoubtedly receive from him. It won’t be easy but you can do this.

You may find it useful to write a list of all the awful things he has done to you and said over the years to help strengthen your resolve if you feel yourself wobbling. Use this to find your anger and stand firm. Here’s a starting list based on what you’ve shared:

• emotional affair
• likely sexual affair
• name calling and belittling
• gaslighting
• explosive reactions and unable to have a grown up conversation about relationship issues
• won’t commit but uses promise of future potential commitment to manipulate
• expects you to do all his house work and life admin despite not living together
• expects extensive family support with looking after his parents and grandchildren
• Dumped you after second parental death
• makes derogatory/sexist remarks about women with/to his friends
• took advantage of your grief when you were most vulnerable
• contributed to isolating you from all your friends so you only have him to rely on for emotional support

You say he doesn’t need you but that is his tactic for making you seem less important to him so that you’ll try harder to be the best partner. He’ll be losing an awful lot in reality although he may never admit it.

You mentioned you’ve lost friends over the years due to this relationship, would it be worth reaching out to any of these people? Let them know they were right about him and you are leaving him but need support to do so.

It’s ok to grieve this relationship, you’ve put so much into it but remember you are grieving what you have given up and the unrealistic dream of what might have been you are not grieving him because he is not worth your emotions. I understand you are close with his family but they clearly can’t care as much about you given that they don’t speak up when he treats you so badly. They are also benefiting from your presence and in some ways could be seen to be using you too.

Please don’t fall into the sunk cost falllacy - the only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for 10 years is staying in a bad relationship for 10 years plus one day.

You are stronger than you know.

@Lostandconfus3d Thank you! I'm much better now but it took a LOT longer than I expected before I felt like myself again. I later discovered work emails I'd apparently read during that time that I had no recollection of whatsoever. I'm estranged from my Mum so I felt like I'd lost everything, nobody would remember my childhood / nobody to ASK about my childhood or have shared memories with.

Sorry, I realise I'm waffling! I shall be here rooting for you along with everyone else.

Oh OP I'm so sorry to read how he treated you when your mum died,
I'm not a professional but he sounds narcissistic.
I would go back home and never contact him again.

Oh Love! I've experienced abuse and I've heard a lot of stories both in RL and online but your story has really affected me! I'm so angry and upset on your behalf and it seems from what I've read, so are all the other PPs!
Please take everyone's advice now, dump him without explanation as he'd only twist things to make you feel in the wrong again and get your life back. Get yourself back!
You sound like a genuinely lovely person and far too bloody good for the likes of him! It's a blessing that you don't live with him nor have children with him as you can get yourself back just like that- no courts, solicitors nor any of that!
You are still a young woman, and can take your time having therapy and doing things like the Freedom Programme and reading Lundy Bancroft's book online. Take the time to form a loving relationship with yourself, reach out to those old friends and do nice things for yourself. Think of how much more time and energy you'll have to mind yourself with once you're not running yourself into the ground for that ingrate and for his family- HIS family!! I know of a couple of women who've had children in their late 30s 9 including myself) and in their early 40s, so that hasn't passed you by yet! Whatever you do though, hold back with men whilst you test them for character- for integrity, treating others as human beings who deserve respect and consideration, willingness to be selfless, honesty and trustworthiness! I learnt this too late in life, I'm in my 60s but you're still young! Don't waste another second of your precious life on that vile excuse for a man or anyone else who might try to take advantage of your kind heart! Many of us have been there and know how these sort of men get into your head and make you doubt yourself or feel bad for having and trying to get our needs met, but it isn't us, it really is them who are wired up wrong and they don't deserve us!
Let us know how you're doing, we're all on your side!

Oh, OP. This is a heartbreaking read.

I really, really hope you are ready to make this break. It will make your life 100% better.

You are clearly extremely loving and caring, but there are so many better places to put that energy than into someone who doesn't care about you, seems to actively despise you and has no respect for you.

Your friends will be like I am with my sister. I have withdrawn from her massively because I can't get through to her about the horrendous half-life she's living with an abusive, lazy, useless waste of space. I just can't watch it, can't be around him and want to shake her awake.

However, if she told me she was leaving. If she meant it. If she stuck to it, I would move heaven and earth to support her. It's all I want for her. I think your friends would just be so relieved to have you back. Reach out, but really mean it. If you ask for help and then flip-flop they will struggle and might go forever.

People just want you to grow a spine. This man has lost all respect for you because you've been a doormat. Stop being that doormat. Please!

You feel like you owe him and need to explain or need to end it properly or need to listen to what he has to say for himself. I can understand that. It is not the way to play this, though. You just leave. Block. Take time. You owe him absolutely NOTHING. Only time alone will give you this perspective, so you need to do that.

You are strong. Roar. Take control.

My jaw actually dropped open when I read you were minding his daughter's kids while she worked.

You are being abused by them both, and they are taking advantage of your kind nature to make their lives easier.

There are much better men out there. Don't waste your life on this one, he is a user. Hope you manage to break free and be happy. 💐

He asked you to paint his fence? Paint it a lurid green or ghastly pink!

Collect all you stuff, pop a couple of anchovies in discreet places, leave him a note saying he doesn't satisfy you any more and you never want to hear from him again, and enjoy the rest of your very successful life!

So his friend (who he is on business with) has just called me from another county and told me partner has lost his phone on a train. He didn’t even have the decency to come on the phone to talk to me himself.

his friend said that my partner informed him to tell me and I would sort the situation out! Is he having a laugh?!

he’s pissing me off

Well none of this matters.

Block and leave. Now.

I know. It’s just the totally being taken for granted. Just another example of how he has no respect for me. What am I meant to do from another country!!

Glad he’s pissing you off because once the anger starts you’ll start seeing every thing he does wrong and finding your ROAR

Send his mate a 👍 and spend the creator they removing your belongings from his house.

Oh and don’t forget the weed killer

Is he even there? Or is his friend giving him a cover story so you can't phone this arsehole while he's with someone else and alert them that he's supposed to be your partner?

Seriously. Run and don't ever look back xx