Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

Sorry this happened to you. Did u get definitive proof of the cheating?

I will need to get checked as he doesn’t use condoms as he had a vasectomy before we met

kick his sorry ass to the kerb and go enjoy yourself. He can do his own gardening the joker.

Your updates just get worse.

You’re still looking for a glimmer of hope. There isn’t one.

Yep, this unfortunately. Do you need definitive proof of his cheating? You could probably get it if you really wanted to but there are so many grounds for suspicion here, it couldn't really be anything else. Sounds like he's had his cake and eaten it for far too long already.

Look, regardless of what has happened in the past; as one PP has said - you need to find your roar.
You know what he has done, is doing and will continue to do if you let him. His daughter is also taking you for a mug.
Pull your big girl pants on, pack your shit, tell her you can’t help with her kids, get the hell out of dodge and don’t look back wasting a single second longer on this fuckwit.
Take advantage of the leave you have booked off to spoil yourself and reconnect with your friends.
Unlike the many many mners who post here in similar situations and have a battle on their hands to leave because they are bogged down with the ties of kids/joint mortgages etc
you are fortunate and lucky that you can be free of this complete waster in an hour and never have to look back.
Get angry, get your shit together and get out now 💪🏻

I know this is what I need to do but honestly I’m frightened. If I were to empty my things, get his daughter to come for his kids and end it then it’s really over. Those are definitive steps which mean there is no going back.

Why would you want to go back to this lying cheating piece of shit?

You need to take those steps - don’t waste another minute of your life on this wanker.

Wow. He's pissing himself here OP.

You come round to clean and do the garden, give him a shag I expect and use your leave to babysit his grandkids. Meanwhile he's all over tinder like a fucking dog on heat.

Emotional affair my arse. This guy doesn't have emotions, he has sex.

Dump the fucker. And don't even tell him. His daughter can come and get her kids now

If I were to empty my things, get his daughter to come for his kids and end it then it’s really over. Those are definitive steps which mean there is no going back.

Yes, and thank fuck for it. Why on earth would you stay with this man? You will have nothing but crushing regret if you do.

He has really got into your head. You need some emotional distance to think straight.

You KNOW he is lying but he gaslights and manipulated you into shutting up every time.

Why are you not worth more than this? You need to be your own best friend! Another minute wasted on this absolute loser is one too many!!!

Yuk.

Your better with out him. Get counselling to help with self-esteem

I’m rooting for you, fight for you sanity and happiness. Get out of there asap !

You make me laugh 😂 thanks for that. I haven’t laughed for a while!

I already regret giving so much to this relationship that is going no where. Almost a decade in we don’t live together. He’s told me he will never marry me. We can’t have kids due to his vasectomy.

I do everything for him, his kids, his grandkids, his elderly parents. By choice. I love them all. But I can’t keep giving when I’m not reaping anything from it.

we went on holiday recently and he spend 80% of the time on his phone messaging friends/ in his “boys group chat” sending inappropriate pictures and videos of women that they all pass of as “jokes”. I asked him why he was on his phone constantly we were meant to be on holiday enjoying time together and he never spoke to me for the rest of the day. I would understand if he was involved in conversations or it was something that needed dealt with but he was constantly forwarding sexual/derogatory images of woman constantly and was angry at me for questioning why that was more important than being present on our trip.

Unlike the many many mners who post here in similar situations and have a battle on their hands to leave because they are bogged down with the ties of kids/joint mortgages etc you are fortunate and lucky that you can be free of this complete waster in an hour and never have to look back.

The value in this cannot be underestimated. You can have a clean break in literally an hour. Many in your position would kill for that!!!

This man probably couldnt believe his luck, he's got a much younger model dangling on a string, nanny to his grandkids, clearly very in love with him, all the while he has barely any trace of her whatsoever in his bachelor pad, where he loads up on the Viagra to a conveyor belt of you know what.

And I'd be surprised if the daughters were totally oblivious. They'll know what he's like, they'll have seen the empty wine bottles in his bin just like you did.

I know it’s hard but we set our own standards. For a long time you’ve told him you don’t have any and he can treat you badly over and over.

you have a choice.

be trapped in the same cycle or be brave and dive into the unknown.

the fact he is away should make it easier because you won’t have to see him. He will never admit his infidelity and I think you know this. I also think you’ve convinced yourself if he doesn’t tell you he’s cheating there is a chance he’s not only you know full well he is.

take your stuff, tell the daughter how her father is treating and your suspicions. If you want to remain that relationship tell her and if not block them all and find your happy.

Yes! 100% nailed it right there …. You know this is a positive. There are absolutely zero/nil/nada/fuck all reasons for you to let this man treat you like an arse wipe any longer.
Don’t waste anymore of your precious life on him.

Yes, he is cheating. And you know that. Time to be brave op. Get rid of the lying, viagra taking, advantage taking fuckwit immediately. You look after his house and garden? And his grand daughter? No. No. No.

Smile sweetly and tell him, firmly, you are done. Watch his sad ass panic because he KNOWS how good he has it with you. Then walk away, laughing your ass off, because he will NEVER find another woman like you. Unlucky for him, but a VERY lucky escape for you.

Honestly I don’t think he will panic. I don’t think he believes he has it good with me. I think he will be totally indifferent and see it as a blessing. I believe he thinks I’m “too much” or will think it’s just one less thing he will need to worry about. He makes me feel that being with me or making the bare minimum effort is a total inconvenience and it’s pissing me off. He should be upset to lose me.

When I broke it off with him a few years ago he told me he kicked himself every night when he lay in bed, telling himself if he ever got me back he would do everything in his power never to hurt me again. This couldn’t be further from the situation now.

What a crappy situation for you.
You clearly deserve so much better.
It's entirely up to him how he behaves, and entirely up to you whether you choose to accept it.
Rather than worry about the sunken cost, you should congratulate yourself for finally realising that this isn't good. It isn't working. It isn't making you happy.
You have accepted that this is a bad fit.
Your happiness is important, and he clearly doesn't share your values.
Think of all of the things that you would love to do, and have been unable to in this relationship.
Also, sending hugs and support. It's very difficult to end a shit relationship, when your whole life has revolved around it.

You’re NOT a failure! You deserve much better! You’re in the prime of life, he should realise the grass isn’t greener and clearly he doesn’t prioritise you. Get out now while you still can - even if difficult or hurtful at first you deserve someone who puts you first and really loves you. He sounds like an arsehole.

@Lostandconfus3d well, if that is the case, you’ll be doing him a favour won’t you? You can leave and let him get on with his life. I bloody GUARANTEE that it won’t take long for him to realise that he’s fucked up (many men would like a free housemaid, who looks after their life and home whilst they do and shag whatever and whoever the fuck they want?)
The question to ask yourself is this….what EXACTLY is this lying, impotent fucker bringing to YOUR table? And, if you are honest with yourself, i think the answer will be, nowhere near enough…..

Yeah it’s just not enough. We are in the same place we were 10 years ago when I was only 27!! I’ve wasted my best years on him. I won’t allow myself to be in this position in another ten years time. It’s pitiful

@Lostandconfus3d make a note on your phone. Call it why I left and write down all the reasons. When you wobble. Read the list

@Lostandconfus3d Nothing you have done is “pitiful”. You are a decent, honest, loyal person and you thought you had the same in your partner. Most of us have been duped by lying fuckers (I could actually write a book on it 🤦‍♀️)
But now is your chance to get rid, get out, and get on…..do that!

Oh sweetheart. There's nothing in this relationship that's making you happy by the sound of it.

I don't think it makes any difference whether he's cheating or not - he doesn't love you. If he did he couldn't possibly treat you this badly.

I think you should leave him anyway. Take your stuff and go, and don't feel that you need to explain yourself. You can just say there was no future in the relationship or anything you like.