Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

Ugh, what a bastard.

The thing no one prepares you for is that courts drag the arse out of everything too. Heads up, you may find several times it gets close to the hearing day and it's suddenly postponed.

During covid there was a case that dragged out for a year and a half for me. Its stressful as there can be a few months between one due date in court being cancelled and a next coming round. So you get stressed then just as you're feeling better, boom, more stress.

One thing that helped me was to say out loud 'right, the trials not until x date. So I'm not going to think on it until 3 days before'. And every time I caught my mind wandering I would say out loud 'no, it's not x date yet so no thinking about it' and if possible physically go do something else. Ideally exercise or dancing about to some music.

Easier said than done atm as things are still raw but, further down the line.

I mean hopefully it'll be one court date and all done and dusted but just be aware these things can drag out. Hopefully less so now than during covid times of course.

Well if you didn't think he was a grade A cunt before today...
What an absolute whopper.
You can do this. We're all here 💐

Honestly I know I have said it several times but I appreciate all of your support. Police have been to my home twice since yesterday to check on me. Think they can sense I’m struggling.

They informed me that his bail conditions have changed. He is still not allowed to come near my home but the condition that he is not to contact me has been dropped. At the request of his lawyer. I expect him to be in touch in anyway he can soon.

I have spoken to my boss this morning, I was quite teary. She suggested I take sometime off work to try concentrate on myself.

Your steadfastness and dignity throughout this whole experience has been exemplary OP and it will be THIS that will be infuriating him more than anything
You are awesome and you will get through this with a smile on your face and warm heart 💐💪🏻

Sending you hugs, I wish I could somehow support you in real life.

We're here with you @Lostandconfus3d 💖

Look after yourself OP.

He may have permission to contact you but if you block him on all platforms he would have to write to you by mail and you can just tear it up.
Also block anyone who contacts you on his behalf eg his family.

Just don’t reply to him at all.
And if you feel harassed contact your lawyer and the police.

@Lostandconfus3d

Remember that just because a judge has removed the 'no contact' provision, that doesn't mean he is allowed to harass you. The very first time he contacts you, state clearly (and in writing) that you do not wish to have any contact with him and that you will notify the police if he contacts you again. I'm sure the 'no contact' can be reinstated if he starts bothering you.

Not to mention the impropriety of a victim being contacted by the perpetrator with a court case pending. Witness intimidation, anyone?

Taking a bit of time off work may be a good idea. Can you arrange to spend some of that time elsewhere rather than staying in your home? It will move you away from where he might be looking for you as well as having a change of scenery.

Have the police given you a panic alarm?

Another sleepless night. Eventually managed to nod off and had a nightmare so back up again. This needs to get easier

Sorry to hear it’s been a rough one OP.
Can absolutely promise you it gets easier in time.
Be kind to yourself today and let us know how you are doing.

It’s just time. You just need time. You will be ok, I promise.

It must be so hard for you but keep strong. It WILL get better We are here for you.

Can I try to offer some advice? If you need to take time off, please book yourself a last minute break and bugg3r off somewhere sunny for a week. Don't - whatever you do - take time off and sit at home. Better to be working - busy and with people.
The Police are right though - it is going to be a struggle, it will take a while and you'll need people to hold your hand. Hope you know there's people who can and will be there for you.

Oh lovely, it’s outrageous that he’s allowed to contact you!

Not sure if anyone else has suggested but the NCDV can help with a non-molestation order x

www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

I’m going to have a look at finances today and see if I can afford a holiday. Think it may be a little out of my budget right now but I’m going to try work something out.

I’m exhausted, I need something to work towards.

@Lostandconfus3d Brilliant idea. If you can afford to, DO IT!! It'll give you breathing space, some very much needed sleep and TLC.

@Lostandconfus3d

I think getting away is a very good idea. Remember that you don't have to go half way around the world (hyperbole, there) to get away. Sometimes just a change of scenery can do the trick and you can stay within a small budget. Years ago I went to a place not 30 miles from my home and stayed in a lovely hotel. Just 'vegged' by the pool and took some nice walks and did some window-shopping.

As far as sleep, you'll get there. You've had a setback with the judge changing bail conditions. But you'll 'catch your breath' and be back to healing soon.

If the idea of him bothering you is really concerning, would it be feasible for you to move? I realize that you may actually not want to if you love where you are now but it's something to think about. Not talking about moving cities, just moving house.

I have toyed with the idea of moving. He stays 2 streets away from me. I have lived in this town since the day I was born but I have absolutely no ties left to it. All my family are gone and I live absolutely no where near my work. It’s not out of the equation

@Lostandconfus3d

Then I'd seriously consider it. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by family being 'gone' but if by that you mean they've relocated then consider moving nearer. If by 'gone' you mean they've all passed on, I'm sorry to hear it.

If you can move nearer work, I'd consider that seriously if you like the area. Although with so much remote work these days people may be choosing to live in a less expensive or more 'simpatico' area.

You do have options open to you. Think them through carefully, then make the choice that's best for you.

They have all passed. But u weren’t to know.

I am definitely going to seriously consider it. A fresh start could be exactly what I need. My house is too big for me also. It’s a family home, I don’t need all this space x

If relocating is an option then you may find it gives your new life the refresh it needs. You don’t even necessarily have to sell your house, you could rent it out for a bit and try renting somewhere new to decide if it’s the right decision. Buying/selling houses is stressful so probably want to make things as easy on yourself as possible right now plus you need time to work out what you want your life to look like longer term which can be tricky when your stressed and you exhausted.

Maybe have a think about an area you’d consider moving to and go stay there for a few days. You get a change of scenery but also get a feel for whether it would work as a place to live too.

How are you doing today OP? I can see threads move quickly on here but I do wonder how you are as so I’m sure lots of PP on here.

I’m ok. Had counselling this morning so feeling a little tired. I’m glad it’s the weekend.

I don’t have much planned just plan on being kind to myself, maybe taking a walk, having wine, reading at watching the golf.

I don’t have anyone irl to do anything with. My first friend I reached out to is great but she has new twins so major busy. The second one turned on me and blocked me for not answering her calls. So time to brush myself down and make nice times for myself.

Managed to secure three weeks off work at the end of august so will spend some of the weekend deciding what I want to do with that time also.

You have made such amazing progress OP. You can build everything from here.
You don’t need a cranky friend to take into your future.
You can certainly make others when you are more settled.
I will be watching the golf as well.
Counselling is tiring but again well done for turning up.
Three weeks in August is brilliant too.
Keep on posting to let us know how you are doing.

Trip planning is wonderful and (IMO) a great stress/sadness reliever. Dreaming of all the places you want to go (some practical, some 'not so much'), deciding where to stay and what you'd like to do there. Take your time and enjoy it. Don't be afraid to dream a little, even if you have to come back down to Earth when you make your final choices.