Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

@Lostandconfus3d Hi OP, I've been following your thread in the background and keeping my fingers crossed for you. I can't believe he sank so low as to attack you.
I hope you recover soon
I wouldn't trust him to not try something again despite legal action. could you increase the security of your house? perhaps request an assessment by a security firm and deal with any vulnerabilities? perhaps some cameras and a security system? also, you can request the police to put your address on a priority list so any 999 calls from your residence is dealt with immediately.

do you have a pepper spray/rape alarm in case be accosts you while you are out and about?

I don't want to worry you, but just something to think about

also you deserve a massive fuck off holiday. treat yourself, even if it's a local spa day. if you can budget it, I would reccommend a couple of weeks in the sun- somewhere in the tropics, by the sea - thailand/langakawi/bali/maldives or even closer to home. I've done this solo a few times while dealing with difficult situations and it did me a world of good. you will get through this, and karma always has a way of balancing things out.

Damn. He dialled that straight up to 11, didn't he? I was worried that he'd turn on the charm to get you back, saying everything you wanted to hear and you might weaken. But this? This is beyond the pale.

You have to remember, OP that if his life has now gone to shit because he has been arrested that'shis fault.

He could have blocked you and gone out to the pub/treated himself to a shag/favourite takeaway to celebrate getting rid of you (like you thought he would). But he didn't. It's his fault.

He came to your house when he could have stayed at home and bitched about you to himself. But he didn't. It's his fault.

He came to your house empty handed - he could have turned up with flowers and chocolate and champagne. He could have tried soft soaping you instead. But he didn't. It's his fault.

When you said no. He could have crashed out of your place saying all sorts and that he's done with you (not that verbal abuse is better). But he didn't. It's his fault.

No, he chose to come to your house to assault you and got arrested. He made those choices. He didn't need to.

It's his fault. Not yours.

Get better. Get the life you deserve.

@pandasorous is right, I think: It would be a good idea to get yourself away for a while. You’ve been through so much, it will take a little while to adjust again, so start to give yourself that time. It will be difficult to avoid feelings that this git has wasted years of your life, but that will pass; you’re still young, there’s a whole world of opportunities and adventure and love out there for you. Just take your time.

Hope you’re safe and ok (as much as you can be) today OP❤

Hope you are felling better today. We are all thinking of you 💐

It's not your fault he's a dangerous nutter.

Have you as an adult, ever beat someone up someone because they annoyed you? Or even because they told you you were, what, an asshole, and to fuck off?

There's no excuse for what he did and you certainly didn't bring it on yourself.

The guy is a violent bully. And he should be locked up so he can't hurt any more women.

I hope you recover soon op and cooperate fully with the police in putting him behind bars.

You've nothing to feel guilty for.
It'll be good if a freak like him isn't in society or around his vulnerable grandkids.

Oh sweetheart, if someone stronger than me was attacking me, I would sure as hell be calling him all the names under the sun.

I hope you're recovering, and I'm sending you positive thoughts. You will come back from this, you sound a lovely, lovely person x

Morning OP how are you doing?

I had a good day yesterday. I put fresh sheets on my bed, showered, done a little work and read a book. But I barely slept at all.

just need to take the good days with the bad. On a positive note this morning I was able to put my watch back on, so my soreness must be subsiding. I’ll take the small victories.

You are doing so well OP💪🏻
Have you reconnected with some of your friends? They could be a great support to you 🫶🏻

Please don’t think all is lost. You are still so young. Early menopause is a tough one but there are so many ways of being a parent in the future.
Losing your parents so young has been traumatic but I’m sure they would be so proud to see you assert yourself now.
You can now concentrate on you now. Luckily you have your own home and career. Friends will reappear and new ones will be made easily.
When you are ready you can meet someone who appreciates you. In the meantime, some therapy to deal with the sad loss of your parents and this horrific relationship will certainly help.
What a sad, pathetic man. Part of his anger is probably because he was relying on you to care for his parents - the audacity!
Take the positive of building lovely relationships with kids within this family. While it’s time to let them go, you can use those skills and empathy again in the future.
You have been so brave - keep going. Feel no pity for a man who assaulted you in your home.
And well done to everyone in the MN community for really offering support.

Hi OP
Hope you are feeling a little better?
Have a lovely peaceful day, sending hugs!

Just checking in @Lostandconfus3d hope you’re OK 🌸

I’ve not updated as I just don’t kno wot to say. I’ve been working hard, trying to keep busy, but I just feel so lost.

I have kept up with my counselling, and am trying to be ok but I just feel absolutely broken, numb.

I am mourning the relationship, or more so the relationship that could have been. I am in shock he hit me.

The injuries have lessened but my mental pain is more than ever

Don't worry OP what you feel is perfectly normal. You are mourning the relationship you thought you had and dealing with the shock of being physically assaulted. That's a lot. Keep on with the counselling and keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. It will get better. You're doing amazingly, congratulate yourself for being so strong and resilient even if you don't feel it. Make time to do some nice things for yourself - coffee and cake with a friend, treat yourself to some fancy bubble bath or lovely new pajamas or a massage. Look after yourself as you would look after a dear friend in a time of crisis. Sending you hugs 💐

Honestly I don’t feel like I’m doing amazingly. I’m exhausted, don’t feel strong at all. Feel like I’m sleepwalking through everyday and that it’s all pointless

You're getting up, dressed and getting on with it every day, that's pretty amazing in my eyes 🫂 of course it's exhausting, you're carrying a heavy load of grief and pain at the moment. Get as much sleep as you can and nuture yourself with good nourishing food. Have you tried Calm app for relaxing meditations and sleep stories? It sounds naff but it's really helped me.

You’re in a state of grief right now and you’re going through motions of life.

Youve done so well even if you don’t feel that way. It’s a slow journey to recovery but you will get there.

Everyone following your thread feels for you and is cheering you on.
You are still grieving the loss of your parents, probably more so than this relationship.
You will absolutely miss the children and wider relatives here you have become used to, as they will you.
But this man has shown himself in every way to be wrong for you. A good decade older than you but with no maturity. But also expects a carer/PA.
At no time have you been treated like an equal
partner.
The grief for what you think you have lost is raw. I’m sorry to hear you are going through an early menopause, too.
But I can guarantee you are still young. You have so much to live for. Keep in touch with the friend you spoke to. Reach out to a few more.
You have been so defined by another that you have lost who you are. All that effort of assisting them now needs to go to you. Keep going to your counselling.
It may be some time before you consider another partner but please know this - there are decent ones, there are other ways of being a mum than you planned,
and you have already proven that you are a kind and empathic partner yourself.
Please let us know how you are getting on OP.

@Lostandconfus3d I know. It will take time.
But what you’ve done and been through just shows your strength and instincts, don’t forget that. We’re all shaped by our experiences - but you can control how they change you: You know to trust your gut - you know people need to earn your trust, but give them a chance to show it. You know it’s better being alone than in a toxic place, you know your worth more than you ever did. You’ve done everything right, just don’t rush, it will take a while. Take hugs with you always, wrap them round you like a blanket

Hate to say this but you just have to feel the feels and go through the process. You will come out stronger and more clear on your own self worth. Allow yourself this time to transform, you need to lick your wounds. Huge hug!

OP don’t be so hard on yourself. What you’re going through is similar to a bereavement, you’re dealing with the death of the relationship you thought you had/what might’ve been. Not to mention the shock and pain of a physical assault. You’ll get there but you need to be kind to yourself. Your experience has touched a lot of people, we’re all rooting for you xx

Thanks everyone. You are all right, I’m being too hard on myself! I just hate feeling this way but I will get there. Just need to keep pushing through.

I keep faltering and thinking I just need to go back to him, to drop the charges and stop this. I’m so so lonely. Other than work I haven’t been doing much, I don’t see or speak to other people.

I need to use my time more productively, I was thinking about maybe adopting an animal. I have a lot of time and love to commit to give

Op, you are doing really well and I think adopting an animal is a great idea. When I left my exdh due to DV, my dogs kept me going. They give you routine, you can’t lay in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself, because you have to get up and see to them and they love you unconditionally 🥰 They are also a good way to meet people, on walks or at training classes etc and they get you out in the fresh air, which is always good for you. Adopt a nice little rescue dog (or maybe a bloody big one as an extra deterrent to that fuck wit) and you can both heal together ❤️

Adoption is a fantastic idea. So many animals looking for homes. It would really give you something to focus on. What animal are you thinking?

Also have you thought about hoping a club or interest group so you can meet people? There are so many out there.