Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

The one thing I would say about adopting a pet is, sometimes it's about wanting that love back too. And we can feel extra rejected, if the animal maybe takes a bit of time to warm to us or just isn't the affectionate type, when we're already going through something.

So on the surface it sounds like a good idea to adopt a pet when we are feeling low, for the company, just keep in mind that we might not be in the best place.

Even though we know it doesn't reflect badly on us when an animal has its own issues to work through or, just isn't the cuddly sort, it'll still hurt.

(If you adopt a cuddle bug that loves attention then I suppose that'll not be an issue though! So I guess...just choose well!).

I guess its a bit like when women get postnatal depression and it's made even worse if the child is a difficult baby because it makes the mum feel more rejected and stressed.

So just be careful!

You’re doing amazingly well OP.
You’re mourning the relationship that wasn’t and missing the lifestyle you’d gotten used to, including his family. That is understandable.

Continue to focus on yourself. Book yourself a massage or spa day. Go for a coffee and people watch. Continue with the counselling. It’s tough at the moment but you will get there.

Adopting an animal is a lovely idea !
What are you thinking ?
Depends on your work hours I suppose.

I work long hours so I have cats. They keep each other company.
A dog if you can get doggy day care / walker for it while your at work

https://www.dogsblog.com/

https://www.catchat.org/index.php

Meant to add
https://www.oldies.org.uk/category/overlooked-oldies

I’m so sorry for what you are going through @Lostandconfus3d .

I wonder if it would be worth getting a completely new phone number? I know it’s a hassle, but that way he won’t be able to contact you, nor will his family. You wouldn’t need to block all unknown calls then?

if you don’t want to do that then an app like Truecaller might help?

I know you say you don’t feel strong, but you really have shown such a lot of strength to leave your ex and press charges.

Adopting an animal is a great idea, my cat never lets me down (although he can be a bit of an arse sometimes 🙂)

Also, some animal charities need foster carers, which may be an idea before jumping in and adopting?

https://www.nawt.org.uk/foster-a-pet/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwy8i0BhAkEiwAdFaeGBrHVEHf47Y4lpTWbTpJ98EAgjbcUetKpq4NyQjqiIx18f_KTvfw5hoCesMQAvD_BwE

So during the week I reached out to a friend about the situation and asked if she would be available this weekend for a walk and coffee. We agreed to go out Sunday.

I wasn’t feeling great yesterday and wanted some time out. I messaged to let her know I would be ready for about 11.30 this morning and was looking forward to a catch up.

I put my phone on silent and had a chilled day reading and relaxing. I have came to my phone this morning to several messages and missed calls from her wanting to see me last nite. Saying she was in the area if I was free then the last one was her telling me she was just going to leave our meet up and I have been blocked?

I’m so confused. I don’t know Wots happened. I think she maybe have felt I was ignoring her. But I can’t reach out to ask. I think this is another example of a relationship where I’ve given someone 24/7 access to me at all times in the past and as I haven’t answered exactly when she wanted me to I’ve been cut off.

i am not hurt, just hope it doesn’t leave me more cautious of reaching out to people again

OP I’m sorry this has happened to you. You’ve hit the nail on the head though, when people feel they can walk all over you, they do. This ‘friend’ isn’t worth your time. If a friend of mine was ‘ignoring’ me my first thought would be concern I.e are they ok, not blocking them!

Please don’t let this put you off reaching out and talking to people. Maybe this was a good thing, that’s an unhealthy relationship now gone from your life.

Stay strong and keep posting on here whenever you need to, lots of people here supporting you x

I had explained the full situation and she had given me great words of advice and told me do not feel obliged to do anything ur not ready for. Take time to urself. She obviously didn’t mean from her, she was a special exception.

why Is everything so hard?

What a weird response! Any chance she'd been drinking and just thought it was a good idea at the time? I imagine she'll unblock you fairly soon.

I don’t think so. She’s just like that. And on reflection she always has been. I don’t have time for that right now so just going to leave that one

OP, this indeed, is the law of sod.

You go through something harrowing, reach out for the first time, and your "friend" chooses now, to act like a dickhead.

You have to laugh, lest you cry.

You have changed your life immeasurably for the better. You have barely begun the healing period. Give everything time.

As long as you stay away from him, things will be better. You can make friends in the new life you are embarking on. If by any chance you are near East Anglia, send me a message, I'd be very glad to meet for a cuppa one day.

Keep on keeping on. I know it's the easiest thing to just give in and slip back to what we knew. To think, I'm too old to start again, it's better to have something than nothing, and this is all I've known for so long.

Please keep strong. The most amazing man/friend/opportunity could be just around the corner but you will never ever know if you go back to this awful man. Just think, he's attacked you, and you're still weighing up your options. How fucked up is it, that he's conditioned you to even consider him again after something like this.

Keep us updated. You are a credit to yourself x

Life is calling you to learn to stand up for yourself, OP.

So many people now want an instant reaction. Clearly, a decent friend would know you are going through a lot. But because she wanted instant attention she’s thrown her toys out of the pram.
You do not need this right now.
Maybe you are really being shown who is of value to you.
People like this aren’t.
So many posters on here are rooting for you.

Absolutely agree, you've got a whole team here cheering for you OP! I guess having had the scales fall from your eyes on the ex, you may notice other behaviours that you previously accepted and you are worth so much more. I know that's easy for me to say, from a distance, but you do sound lovely and I hope you find your real life tribe, hope you're doing ok ♥️

I appreciate everyone here having my back and showing genuine concern for me. I wouldn’t have been able to get through this without you all. ❤️

@Lostandconfus3d just don’t rush yourself. You’ve been a star but it’s a long journey, expect a few setbacks. Know you’re not alone

I'm so sorry for everything you've endured op. I've read this whole thread today and it's shocking what your ex has done to you. I'm sorry about your so called friend too. Your courage is really inspiring, you should be proud of yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and I have no doubt that your future will be bright. Stay strong x

looks like you are shedding a lot of dead weight now you are setting boundaries❤

I'm so sorry things have been so difficult. One thing you said in one of your posts really resonated with me. You said you were sad about what your relationship "could have been". Keep holding onto that. The relationship as you had it was awful. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Stay strong. A little more time and you will be on the other side of this experience and feel so much better.

@Lostandconfus3d

Other relationships changing when we've had a major life change (like ending a romantic relationship) is pretty normal. I think taking the positive step of getting out of a toxic relationship sometimes makes us, IDK, more sensitive or aware of other relationships in our lives which may not be all that we think they are, or should be. But it can also make us overly sensitive to 'little things' that in better times we'd roll our eyes at.

So making the decision to let things lie with your friend is a good one. Give yourself breathing space and time. Maybe you'll let the friendship drift away, maybe you'll decide to have a 'discussion' with her. Either way, nothing needs to be decided now.

As far as feeling a bit 'at loose ends' in your life right now, that's perfectly normal, too. He took up a HUGE part of your mind, life, and time. You haven't yet had time to fill those spaces. Add to that his atrocious behaviour and it's no wonder your head is spinning. Just keep to your resolve, do therapy, and give yourself time. You'll get through the 'rough patch' and have a full and happy life.

They say when you've had a major life upheaval not to make any major decisions for 6 months to a year. Adopting a pet is a HUGE responsibility and can really tie you down. You can't just pick up and go somewhere when you have the responsibility of a dog or cat. Maybe better to let that decision lie for a bit longer. In the meantime there may be volunteer opportunities with animal charities or rescues who would love your time and help.

This kind, thoughtful post is good advice OP!
Lots of us have been through similar and know the pain and exhaustion you feel- as other PPs have said, it's grief, God love you, and it is agony. We're all cheering you on and wanting the best for you, even though we don't know you. I wish I could give you a hug and more than a psot on MN but I hope the caring PPs on here give you a bit of a lift? Be really, really good to yourself from now on, give yourself some TLC, and remind yourself that this sort of pain can't and won't last forever. This time last year I broke down one night crying so hard, I thought I would actually harm myself. I was really scared that if I couldn't stop soon, it would do me physical damage. I did stop and I wasn't damaged or harmed, in fact I have been getting better ever since, slowly and back and forth for a while but now I'm more focused on practical issues and think I have nearly come to the Acceptance stage of grief. TBH, I have been able to laugh for months now and even to feel a bit of something that's very like happiness, and even excitement recently!
You will heal OP, be gentle with yourself. Sending you hugs!

How are you doing OP?

I have been at court all day. He originally told police he would plead guilty, got the shock of my life today when he pled not guilty and it’s to go to trial.

he really is the gift that keeps on giving. I barely slept last night but thought at least it would be over today. Home now, got an upset stomach. Hoping for a better sleep tonight

Well, of course he has. And he told the police he would plead guilty because there's no case for him to remotely get out of this.

Guilty, however, means straight to sentencing. He's trying to buy himself as much time as possible before the inevitable now. Cause as much damage, emotionally, financially as he can because how dare he be accountable for his actions. If he's going down (which he is) then everybody's going with him, in his mind, anyway.

Keep strong. The reality, is that any leniency from pleading guilty he's just kissed sweet goodbye too. Rather an own goal for this insufferable prick.

I hope you're ok. Don't waiver. He's truly clutching at straws now. Do you have any support around you?

I’m so sorry to hear this @Lostandconfus3d. He clearly wants continue to feel like he has some level of control over you and this is his only route to do so. I can’t imagine it’s going to be easy to get through this but remember that judges often impose harsher sentences when defendants go to trial and are found guilty rather than pleading when they had the chance. There is clearly evidence of his guilt or it wouldn’t have resulted in charges in the first place. Is there a victims advocate you could get some support from? Hopefully they get the trial booked in sooner rather than later so you can put this behind you and fully move on. If you start to waiver in your resolve remember this is his doing, his choices, his actions that have led to this. You do not need to be the bigger person and you do not need to do anything to help him.

Stress can play havoc with your body in all sorts of ways so do be kind to yourself and do whatever it is you need to make yourself feel a little better.

You are stronger than you know