My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

@Welshmonster I dont know if ND. Doesn’t really change the fact they aren’t nice. I know a few ND people and they don’t behave or say condescending crap like them.

my PIl were very much like this when they were alive. If we asked for help out would come the diary (always booked up months in advance) and it was very much well if we move this person and do this and then that and dont go to this meeting we can see you for 4 hours. We stopped stressing about it and realised that this was just the way they were. The heartbreaking thing was that my children realised it too. that they were too busy with their lives to be part of ours. I remember vividly once when one of mine asked if they wanted to go to a local attraction for a day out and they were only 6 or 7 being told "oh no we have been there before with the other grandchildren" so they said but granma not with us and were told "oh we feel we have done grandchildren now really". They werent nasty people they were just not interested.

Op, they aren’t going to change. This is who they are. All you can do is manage and reduce your expectations of them to zero.
it isn’t about childcare, it is about them having and showing any interest in your family life. Listening with interest. Asking questions, remembering stuff. And vice versa.
when it is only you putting the effort in, it becomes tiresome and boring. You can’t force people to be interested in the children. Sad but true. Leave them to it and back right off. I doubt they will come to you, but you will feel more in control of the situation.

My mums a bit like this, had no help from her own parents as she left home at an early age so dealt with 5 kids on her own. I’ve got 3 all over 6 but anytime I ask for a night off etc she’ll have to make sure my sister/brother are home to childcare. My in-laws are no different and won’t ever have my kids, even when we holiday with them for 5 weeks of the year! I’ve learnt to depend on myself now and have a few close friends all with kids so we meet up and share the load. I’d like to think I’d be the complete opposite of what my mum is and help my kids out no matter what if they needed it. Your kids will eventually know who comes around and who doesn’t and if they grow up not knowing their grandparents it’s on the grandparents!

No point worrying yoursellf any more... thats how they are BUT theyvare missing out big style and they cant get this time back.

You can't make them care. But when your in-laws realise that they have no relationship with them they will only have themselves to blame.

My DS idolised his DGF who spent so much time with him. He would squeal if he saw him. Because my DM spent no time with him at all he didn't know her. Even at her funeral as an adult he said that he was only there out of duty.

They are missing out. As an adult I often used to visit my DGPs and I've got lovely memories of talking and laughing with them. As will your DC with your DM.

Here we go, the usual mumsnet posts. They don’t owe you anything, that is technically correct. Do family who care and love each other not lend a hand to each other. Yes they do. Personally if they don’t care one jot for you all and can’t even ask after your health and just talk about the weather then I’d be severing contact. That is not family. They are missing out and the GC won’t pay them any attention and I would absolutely back them up if you do maintain contact. Perhaps make excuses and keep contact to a very minimum amount, eg once a year. We had a terrible in-law mother. Had to go non-contact because she was vile even to the children.

Some of the posters on here are frankly scum. Criticising the poster for asking for help when she had suspected sepsis?

They sound awful. Hope they don't expect help when they are old.

To my way of thinking your in-laws are strange not wanting to spend time or be involved with their grandchild or pitch in when help is needed and asked for. They sound quite insular and expect others to also be. I know you can get too much involvement from in-laws (we see that a lot on here!). It’s sad as they are missing out on sooo much not being part of your family.

What is the point of them really.

You do realise they are people in their own right and don't exist to serve you?

But they raised the husband.

People shouldn't have to sacrifice their time and energy toward a second generation (that they had no say in the timing or number of) to merit care and consideration as elders.

That's just spiteful and nasty.

Lone parent here with absolutely no help at all. I manage. My mother told me when I was 13 she doesn't want to be a grandmother, and as far as she is concerned, she isn't. In over 10 years neither of my parents have looked after DS for me at all.

'They just have no purpose in their lives.'

What you mean is they don't place the demands of family very high. They don't think the same way you do.

That doesn't mean they have no purpose in life. Nor does it mean they are wrong. They're just different to you. And they have the right to live their life as they please.

They'll change their tune when they're old and infirm.

These people are seriously cold and frankly weird.

Holy crap.

There is something wrong with these people.

They are people themselves they had a life before you came along, sure it is great to mutually help other but you seem to come across like their only purpose is how it fits with how you have decided they should be

Maybe they don't like the way you are?

Well I’ve stopped initiating conversations that they interested in anyway and we are going into week 6 of not hearing anything. If people think that’s decent and “normal” then so be it. Not a peep not a hows my little grandchild, nothing. If people think this is to do with helping out then I’m shocked. There is no point in them in our lives sadly and I stand by that. They offer nothing, a relationship is not one way. I’m not going after people trying to get them to take an interest so other than being civil I’m done. They are absolutely entitled to not be interested, that’s on them. I will be focusing on the family and friends who add to our lives and we do in return. And before people get silly I say “add” not just physically!!!

There are a lot of cold hearted people on this thread. I must have underestimated just how many women there are out there like my MIL. There must be a lot of DIL who are treated poorly and ignored. It’s very sad for the children.

Dear OP- please don't feel that there are so many uncaring people about- they are congregating here, but they don't represent people in general! It's such a shame that people are being unkind and wilfully misunderstanding you. Of course the normal human response is to care and be deeply connected to children and grandchildren: to love them and give them all the understanding, compassion, and empathy in one's power.

There is something else I want to say though, looking into the distant unimaginable future when your own kids are teens and adults. You mention that your husband seems to have a hard time expressing emotion and sharing vulnerability- so--- as time goes on, remember what model he had for connection with kids as they turn into adults.

My husband came from a similarly emotionally distant family, and has ended up with very little connection to his own adult children. He seems bewildered and almost unaware, certainly in denial about it- but to me it is clear how this happened.

I would try to get your husband to think and be alive to how relationships change and to make sure he is at least conscious of how his relationship with his children evolves, as they slowly turn into sometimes unruly, annoying, difficult, distant, teens and adults.

Once again sorry you have not met with more kindness and reasonableness on this thread.

@Greenfinch7 thanks for your understanding. He most definitely is disconnected to how he feels. I sometimes have to remember that I am normal as I experience many emotions, some good and some bad. He really tries hard. Sometimes he has physical reactions but he cant connect it to an event. I really have tried with his parents, they are like stone and a lot of the times make really nasty comments. I am loosing the will to just brush it off now. Lots of other members of his family are lovely, his grandparents are very sweet. I have an older child with a different partner (8). Literally the moment they met her they treated her like the other biological grandchildren. They tell her we love you the same and you can just see the light in her eyes when she is told. Even if they don’t internally it doesn’t matter.

There have been many helpful responses from posters also. I’ve got some great advice.

Yes I didn't mean to imply there have not been many helpful and lovely responses. I was responding to your comment of 8:19 am: 'There are a lot of cold hearted people on this thread. I must have underestimated just how many women there are out there like my MIL. There must be a lot of DIL who are treated poorly and ignored. It’s very sad for the children.'

In my previous post, I mainly also wanted to mention about the future and your husband's expectations of what relationships to adult children are like (which I didn't think previous posters had focused on). I think I wanted to say this because it is something I have been thinking about in my own marriage and family; it is very very likely that it is not relevant to you, however, so just disregard it!

I'm glad you feel supported and helped!!

@Greenfinch7 oh no I really appreciated your response. I just wanted to say that I did get some good responses and they aren’t all bad incase people thought hey I wasn’t cold. There is an awful lot of cold responses and I was a bit shocked. I think the part about my partner being emotionally disconnected is very true. He has been brought up with zero emotional support so he does struggle, it’s sad.