My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

I still can't get over them refusing to help when she had suspected sepsis.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress my dp asked if they could come and help me when my older child got the vomitting bug and I had a newborn and was struggling after c-section and was very poorly after blood transfusions. It’s sounds utterly untrue but they wouldn’t help either. They hate me so much. I’m not that hateable.

I know I probably sound ridiculous but it does kind of hurt. I really want to unfriend them on social media but the last time I did they kept msging my partner asking what is wrong with me what have they done etc so I re-added them. I’ve not heard a peep in 6 weeks now and I look on the other DIL facebook today and the mum is all over it hearting it all. Commenting on everything how the DIL is just so gorgeous and how much she loves her and her grandchildren. Then at one point she went on to include the DIL sisters and how amazing they are also. Surely this isn’t normal??? Not a peep on any of mine. I just want out of all this really. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

No, it's not normal and it's not right. This level of favouritism and this level of utter, cruel indifference to you is not normal.

From what you said scattered throughout your posts, they have been cold, uncaring and unloving towards your husband from very early on. So it looks like they are people who love their daughter and not their son. It's clear that this was outside your experience and so it took you a while to see.

About your husband. Young pets that are loved, made a fuss of and generally cared for with good boundaries grow up to be secure animals. Young pets that are ignored or given love only occasionally tend to grow up less secure and seek for attention and love from their owners desperately, even when it's obvious they won't get it. I'm afraid that young humans are rather the same. It's the ones who are loved, given good healthy boundaries and attention that grow up secure and visiting their parents from affection. The ones that are deprived, or given only occasional warmth, often keep coming back and back hoping for the acceptance and love that wasn't there in childhood. Even if they don't, most will struggle with the need for a strong family background. It really hurts when it isn't there.

It's clear that you're struggling very badly to come to terms with this, but at this point, lovely, it's your expectations that are leading you to this torment and hurt. I'm afraid that it never really stops hurting, but all you can do when you've got hopeless uncaring parents or PiLs, is accept the situation and turn your attention way from them and towards the people who do love you. It leaves an empty hole where warmth should be, but that's because of their nature, not yours. One of the hardest things to accept is that no matter how much you want someone to love you, they might not no matter what you do.

Your hurt is so clear. I hope you can find better people to build bonds with. Your husband's family are never going to be satisfying and honestly, given the amount of attention they lavish on their daughter's family you are best off keeping your baby well away from them. I can't say this strongly enough. Children know when other children are valued much more than them, and it REALLY stays. Please, protect your child from them. They hurt your husband enough. Don't let them hurt your child.

What does the mum get out of this? It feels like somewhere along the line we’ve been split into good and bad. I cant really understand. Does she want me to try harder or is that it point blank black and white I will not be accepted?

It's point blank that you will never be accepted, unless something radical changes for her, and that change won't be initiated from you, only by her.

She is ice-cold towards her son. By extension to you, and to his child.

You can't change the pattern of decades, and the pattern isn't to do with you. It's to do with her son, and she doesn't want much to do with him, or his.

I'm sorry.

I think both the kids have very low self esteem, including the other gf )she is constantly on anti anxiety meds). PIL offered no support when their kids were young. They’ve linked themselves to the kid who people pleases the most and asks for nothing in return. She gets to ride his coat tails and has done absolutely nothing. Both left by 19 and Self sufficient. I’m not into that, it’s not a one way street.

Your way is honestly much pleasanter, kinder and richer (life-rich) than theirs.

Yeah relationships with conditions are never good. I will always be available to my children even when they adults and I’m old if I still can.

He knows them better than you, presumably, so you should take a cue from him.

Your child is your responsibility. Some less than stellar parents become better grandparents but not all.

@betterangels yeah he does in a way but he doesn’t link it to them not giving a shit about him full stop and never giving one. He say no they just all tough love, when in actual fact they shit. He wanted to ask them today to help us out and I said nope I’ve arranged us help (from someone who actually cares about us).

@Ioftenwonder sorry- they are just unpleasant- are they very happy together do you think? My mum went like this when she was unhappy - became very self focussed and disinterested in anyone in the family.i hate to ask is there any kind of cultural issue at play here and they are closed minded bigots? It does happen. May not be the case but it crossed my mind-

@Crikeyalmighty nope we all English lol! They are certainly very interested in the other child and family. I think she is just pissed off I “took” her son. He is very kind and giving and I know before me he spent an awful lot of time with them (him going to them) he ran every decision past his mum. Obviously this doesn’t happen anymore so much. I think she liked making all his decisions. When I first met him he ran absolutely everything past her. What to buy in shops what to do where to go. It’s was very OTT.

This type of thing is called : an 'on -going bereavement'.... Where the person acts sooo cold towards you ( a family member) its perpetual heartbreak.
Its time for YOU to start setting the agenda. This is HOW THEY ARE. Digest it and act according to your New Reality. Its disappointing when people dont rise to expectations but you can RESET!...Next time theres a family do or expectation from them , then you can respond with your New RESET in place. Its not really that complicated... Im afraid that even with the new RESET in place; theyre guaranteed to disappoint ;still but at least you will not have sold your soul for someone who dont give you a second thought.

Thank you for posting. It's made me think again about my relationship with my adult children. My mother was demanding. I was always expected to do so much more than I wanted and guilt tripped into so many things. As a parent I was determined not to impose and maybe I have gone too far the other way! We have always been there if asked for help but I now think that we should have been more proactive in seeking contact with my grandchildren, should have initiated rather than always just responded. Time, I think, to have an explicit discussion and to make it clear that we do love them all, we do want to be an active part of their lives. I would hate to think they feel about us they way you feel about your ILs - but it has to be said that we may have created that scenario

Well, the silver lining is when they are older and infirm and need help, do not lift a finger in return. Not one hour.

Remind them of that most excellent advice they used to give you when you needed help and say "you figure it out".

Meanwhile your DC will get to witness positivity in how your DM treats them and how family support each other.

@Damnedidont it’s difficult to know which way is the right way. I can’t see how being proactive in your grandkids life can ever be a bad thing. I’d always go along the line of communication. Tell your kids about your own parents maybe and let them be your guide on how much they’d like. I wish people would just communicate in my life more. I don’t think in relation to my in laws it would make any difference, something weird going on, no good intentions involved.

My MIL is the only MIL I’ve ever met who is really helpful, adores her grandchildren and would do anything for them/her own kids. My previous MIL was a pain and never did anything, my sister’s MIL is the same. My dad’s parents were never interested in me and my sister.

No wonder the in-laws get such a bad reputation. A lot of the live up to it! 🙄 As the mother of sons, I’ll eternally be the mother-in-law so I hope I can be like my MIL.

My social media lately seems full of families with amazing in laws…..so jealous at times. It must be nice. I know there are as many crap ones.

You are definitely not alone.

DH and I are in a broadly similar situation with parents on both sides. In our case I think it stems from us not being in real need of GP support therefore they just don’t bother at all almost as if they resent not being essential to our survival.

When our DS was born we were older parents and were financially stable. We’d even paid our mortgage off before he was born. Each set of GP have one other GC who are both a lot older than our DS.

One has their other GC virtually living FT with them. They have funded their entire childhood and are currently in be process of buying him a new car in readiness for passing his driving test.

The other GP has also funded their now adult GC since birth. Even now despite the GC having a good FT job following uni they still do things like pay his car insurance, fund his holidays etc.

In both cases I think they like the control it brings them. Even as adults they still have a very big say in what the GC and of course their parents can do.

When it became clear to them that financial control wasn’t going to work with us the relationships pretty much faded away. We haven’t had even an hour of childcare support from them. They act as if our DS is more like a distant relation than a DGC.

My parents tried to coerce me into giving our DS a family name even threatening to cut me out of their will if I didn’t as an alternative way to control me. They have huge amounts of assets and are obsessed with money so assumed this would work. My DH and I were appalled and told them in no uncertain terms that we would not be bullied into that. That was of course while I was pregnant. As a result my DH hasn’t seen or spoken with my parents since then.

There’s no great moral to the story other than to let you know that there are plenty of others in situations where GPs are not a positive influence on their DGC’s lives. Just ignore them and get on with your life. They are the ones losing out on the enjoyment of your DC not you.

Thanks @Charlie2121 I don’t think they see it as loosing anything as their thinking is a bit disordered it seems. Yes to the control, they have a lot of say in the other families life, the gf is quite desperate for validation it seems. (I’m not being cruel, I dont think her upbringing was last very loving and she takes and awful lot of anti anxiety meds) I feel she is being used and I have tried to friend her but the MIL has driven a wedge unfortunately. They belong to her it’s very obvious. I’m happy I don’t “belong” to anyone, I make my
own decisions. I think we have the better end of the deal although it being sad for the kids and my partner. I’m lucky he doesn’t do all that weird stuff at home and he pretty “normal”.

@Ioftenwonder I agree that once you accept the situation and adapt your life accordingly you soon find yourself in a much happier place.

I do share your concerns about DC not having a productive relationship with GP however due to us being older parents we always knew this would be the case to some degree as one was already deceased before our DS born and the other 3 were all well into their 70’s.

It just means you create a far more self sufficient nuclear family unit than some others do. To be honest I quite like it that way now.

@Charlie2121 yeah reduce expectations to nothing. We’ve got great grandparents in their 80’s and 90’s and they still show they care. It’s isn’t hard to pick up a phone etc.

We have had it both ways. We lived abroad for about 7 years and I had both of my children there. My partner is foreign. When we lived there, his mum would do absolutely anything she could to have the kids, she would call round the house just to be with them and want us round all the time. I worked full time and if the kids were off nursery/school poorly (coughs colds etc) she would insist on me staying at work and she would take care of them. She was like it with all of the grandkids.

We then moved back to the UK and my mum literally does nothing to help out and always says comments in passing like "I did my time, I'm not here to look after everyone else's kids".

My partner works away alot and I work full time... I could literally be drowning and she still wouldn't offer help.

It is what it is, all I know is that they're missing out on seeing their beautiful grandkids grow up, that's on them. My kids are worth the world and if they don't think that or see that, that's a shame for them 🤷

I couldn't imagine if I'm lucky enough to have DGC not knowing if they are ok regardless of how many I have. I also couldn't imagine being there for my DC.

It's very upsetting especially when you see them all over other DGC. I'd block them. Seeing this just upsets you more.