My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

You back off, it is his parents, it is up to him to keep the relationship, or lack of it, alive. I would just get on with my life and detach. Their grandchildren will have no attachment to them, their choice.

@Katiesaidthat You are right. When you meet and form relationships you have this idea in your head and it’s not there and I need to accept it. They will never be the idea of family that I have in my head. My own children will always know I will do anything within my power, always until I am dead. Then they will have the money I save for the them to continue this support.

Do they work?

@ZekeZeke the mum does about 4 days.

He loves his parents. He is a bit like them in that he is a bit emotionally distant. He doesn’t recognise that that aren’t really that interested. I recognised after a couple of years, especially after having our baby. Other parents are happy. His parents booked a months holiday over the due date. In my eyes that’s saying we aren’t available!

@relishrelish I know you are right. He is unhappy though because I can tell he becomes emotionally distant. Starts to sit and play on his phone and checks out or go outside and does things leaving me at home when I also want to do things. He does this check out thing. There is something going on. He says he’s fine about it but he doesn’t act fine.

It seems like they were burned by dil’s lack of interest in them taking care of kids & are now keeping themselves at a distance. You won’t like this but the only way to get them more interested is by YOU building a 1-2-1 relationship with them that’s seperate to the one DH has.

But I do think they have a point. It’s your child. You shouldn’t be relying on your mum for regular childcare and to faciliate nights out — you should he arranging days / evenings out that include your child.

@Ozanj I have tried but it doesn’t work. I’ve tried talking about flowers etc as we both like flowers. She might have a little convo over text then when you meant can’t even look in your eyes. I don’t get it.

I don’t recall asking for regular childcare, I’m practically a SAHM for that reason! We don’t need it!

Because he probably had no choice but to leave, both of them had by that age. The parents belief that the whole of life must be navigated alone and all feelings must be ignored have rubbed off on him. But he can’t hide it because it’s easy to spot when he isn’t ok. In my opinion it’s not healthy at all to live life with no connection and no feelings.

I think maybe underlying this is that either one of them, or both, has some sort of neurodiversity. Therefore, if you keep asking you can expect to be banging your head against a brick wall. They will never understand, and it might explain why your DH is so oblivious to it, as it has genetic links.
Make the most out of your own parents if that is a possibility.

@relishrelish he is deeply connected to them. You aren’t really understanding what ok saying. @Opentooffers that is not something I have thought but that makes a lot of sense.

Grandparents can't win on this website - they are either suffocating/interfering or too distant! We all have to accept that everyone is different, families are different. We can't force other people to conform to what we think is "right". If we all just live and let live, then everyone would be happier.
Honestly, makes me so glad not to have a family!

I think that your husband has tried all his life to make them happy. Now your husband is married, has you and children and perhaps realising and seeing what other parents are like. He going to see them and getting nothing back because they have just no interest in him, you or the grandkids. Being honest I would tell him to stop trying with them because you see he is in bad form every time he comes home.
You said his mother is in her late 50's and his father could be the same. They could both still be working but this does not excuse the lack of help you occasionally ask for.

I have a friend. Over the years her mother has become more selfish, more unaware, has been verbally nasty and lectured my friend on several occasions. My friend has a sister who a sahm with kid's. Her mother will moan any time her daughter asks can you mind the kids because I need to bring X here. It never for more than 3-4 hour's. She never offered to collect a child say from anything despite knowing her daughter and sil are busy with the other kid's.
Along with this her mother has a good pension and savings and is extremely mean when it comes to Christmas and birthdays.

My friend and her sister have decided to step back from their mother because of her behaviour and lack of help in the past few years. They now ring and call to see her only when it suits them. My friend is planning to change jobs so she won't be as available for care later on. Her sister is planning to go back to paid employment as well. Their mother meanwhile expects they will be available to care for her when the time comes. She has golden children so my friend said they can step up then.

So, she works 4 days a week. Also does volunteering and assume she has a social life.
I think YABU and your expectations are too high.

Yes @ZekeZeke Ive come to the conclusion I’ve been unreasonable in thinking that life is just busy to send a msg. Not!

I really see where you are coming from OP and you're trying to express what is really a gut feeling - lack of connection and interest in your life and lack of empathy for you.

I think they live very differently and may indeed be very cold and neurodiversity may be there especially if the MIL e.g. avoids eye contact and tells you about her village rather than asking about you.

If you want to remain comfortable in contact with them you're going to have to see it as a learning opportunity to you, to show grace to some people who couldn't be more different from you.

Could you -
Stop entirely equating help with communication and connection. You've talked more about the lack of connection in later posts but you still say 'We've never asked for regular childcare' as though that's something especially restrained of you. For many people that's the start point, not asking others for help is normal for them.

Stick with looking for common ground- well done on the garden stuff, it might have had more effect than you think.

Lean in to asking her about her life and times. Mentally give yourself an hour where you just listen to village stuff and really try to focus in. it'll be massively annoying and really why the fuck should you?? But it's an interesting mental exercise should you want to explore your own resistance.

Basically you're doing it for you - how to get on with dull, cold, people- not for them.

I find that reframe sometimes helps!