My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

Backing off feels weird

anything BUT backing off would be weird

They are detached I think and want a
relationship from afar. if you detached like that as a friend then you wouldn’t be a friend as absolutely nothing there. There loss but I hope they aren’t thinking that they’ll bother later when the kids are older because it’s now when we could have done with some
support or advice or care. I don’t think I can forget.

@OneLivelyDreamer yeah it would be. I can back off easily but it’s my DH.

He’s been self sufficient since 19 you say
he’s not fussed
”we don’t asked any thing from them anymore”

But here he keeps asking them

😕

STOP harassing them for things FGS

you said he’s not fussed FGS
you said he’s oblivious
you said he’s been self sufficient since 19
you said “we” don’t ask them for anything anymore

make up your mind op

He’s not fussed with the attitude of them, but he does still ask and he talks to them
everyday with one sided conversations. It is odd but he is used to this relationship.

We don’t ask for physical help.

you’re talking out of your bottom for a lot of this op

so him asking for childcare on your birthday? 🙄

Stop biting at my comments. I’ve said we wanted a relationship they don’t and as people have said we can’t force it. Everyone seems to jump down a persons throat when they mention support. It doesn’t have to mean raising our kids. He can’t ring his parents and say you’ll never guess what “sally” did today. It’s sad.

He also can’t ring and say DW needs to go to A@E with suspected sepsis please can you help. That happened and no they didn’t.

She means what's the point of them in her life. And there isn't much tbh us there.

If they don't help, don't ask about the dc. Don't have any concerns when anyone in the family is poorly, talk about the weather and shite and not about anything personal, have zero interest in the family as a whole, the what IS the point to the OP.

They are completely disconnected from them. So what's the point maintaining any contact. It's not really a familial relationship is it. You wouldn't bother at all if they weren't DH parents. They add nothing to life. Just effort.

She is on the head of all the local village groups and knows everything about when people are sick in the village. Just not her own family.

He talks to them everyday? But you said it goes months? I’m confused by your answers OP.

Don't have the time to ask after poorly grandchild or chat about what the family have been up to or talk about anything family related when they do meet up?

Nah. That's weird.

OP they are estranging themselves from you. It sounds like they make no effort at all to maintain a relationship. I get the impression they don't actually contact you or your DH much or at all. They have no relationship with your dc at all and don't want one in any capacity.

They seem to have stopped being involved in their own^^ children as soon as they could so it sounds like they are just peculiar people

What goes around, comes around. A thought process they seemingly live by themselves.

The upshot of this is that you're absolved from any of the burdens of their old age. Good luck to them, hope they're very lonely!

@Changingplace we don’t see them for months despite being so close. We only see them if we go. He used to pop in all the time but now he has a family of his own he doesn’t as often and if we don’t they never. They both drive and the mum works 4 days a week. We’ve never asked got any childcare because she works and it would be a no anyway and we don’t really need regular.

I feel like they are emotionally just dead. Sounds harsh but there isn’t anything there.
I think the mum was raised by her dad only so maybe there is more to it. I think it’s unfair to say they don’t love their family they are just so disconnected.

I had a friend who committed suicide with parents like this. Her poor brother was horrified at the state of her house and said he would have been around to fix things for her had he known. They'd grown up not asking for help and having parents keeping secrets from each of them as a control thing. Really weird and sad behaviour. I can only imagine their separate childhoods were not very nice to think it is normal to divide everyone in families.

it’s not support in querying

it’s the fact that you have completely changed your story as thread gone on

oh and apparently he’s “oblivious” and “not fussed” and “we” don’t ask anything of them anymore and he’s been “self sufficient since 19” 🙄

They are how they are.
It's unsettling for you; not nice.
You two have to create your own happy vibes with your little family.
You could also extend a fortnightly invitation to inlaws for lunch on a weekend. Baby steps. They might say NO for six months but then they might accept and have a meal with you three times per year.Better than nothing and the kids get to see them.
They might be super formal and uptight and require an invtation. They could change as they age- dementia might be a positive! Joke.

@user1492757084 sounds like a plan. I would like to try something just for the sake of knowing I did my best to support a relationship of some kind. I would just need to make sure we only keep things positive and not talk about anything emotive, weather for a few hours if possible! It’s so incredibly awkward when we are together. The mum doesn’t know where to look. My DH can point and show his dad all the things he’s done and he will be a little interested. The dad is a bit easier than the mum as he likes to fix and tinker so he can relate to his dad in that way. The mum will talk about other people in the village who we don’t know so that’s difficult. It’s very detached like we conversing in a different language.

I really want to try and form something, some common ground. My thought was that our child is common ground but no. I’ve tired the garden as we both have nice gardens but nope, I don’t know how to find a way in.

sorry for whining. I think it was all the Father’s Day photos of families yesterday. I lost my dad and he was amazing, proper family man. My DH’s parents don’t do sentimental occasions.