My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

you’re contradicting yourself op

upthread…

My DH is oblivious but he doesn’t ask anything of them.
and

My DH isn’t fussed

but now he’s frequently asking and sad about it.

Which is it?

and

We dont ask anything anymore

but now DH apparently does regularly

Sometimes he won’t know how to do some DIY and I’ll say oh ask your dad (mine has died) then remember oh he won’t help

versus

DH is so oblivious. I tell him not to ask them

i can’t make head nor tail of your thread op!

I think I know the kind of grandparent you are talking about. It’s more than just not babysitting. People pick up on that aspect. It’s really the complete disinterest in their children and grandchildren .

as frustrating as it might be, you need to not add to your husband’s stress in this situation. By all means vent here, just don’t complain about his family to him. It hurts to have a bad family, even if he puts on a good front. If he asks you to join him in a bit of wallowing, then absolutely, let him wallow and agree with him that they are doing a poor job. Make jokes about how bad they are with him if he likes dark humor.

just don’t be the one driving the complaints. You don’t want him to feel responsible for their behavior.

Really sad.
I'll be your grandkids adoptive grandparent 😁♥️ xxx

Remember that and do the same when they start complaining how they are old and need help. Just let them be

You seem to be conflating offering help with taking an interest. I can see if they aren't interested in following the successes and hobbies and daily life stuff, that can feel crushing, and in that way they do really sound boring and cold. But I don't always equate asking for help or offering help as the main core of friendship or intimacy.

Are they any good at talking about fun stuff? Would they talk about what they do and what they are into? I saw a great TV show / went on a cruise / a funny thing happened to me in Sainsbury's... If they don't even offer any conversation stuff then it's hard to become close.

I can iimagine if they're a bit detached but yet trying to be bright and breezy and you're all "ohhh, life is so haaaard, we have no heeeelp" they might want to keep distance.

@Ioftenwonder , that’s not normal in my family. I am absolutely blessed with wonderful sons and lovely daughters in law. We spend lots of time together and are extremely supportive of each other. I’m sorry that your in-laws aren’t interested in the sort of relationship you had hoped for but it’s doubtful you change them. Concentrate on your family and those who bring joy to you all and make a promise that one day you’ll be a loving and supportive mother in law.

I agree OP family should be about love, support, interest, and shared experiences. Of course not every family manages that, but surely the best families aspire to try.

Both my and DP’s parents are like this.

We are older parents ourselves and I think both sets of our own parents were not expecting another grandchild. Their other GC were adults before our DS was born. They did everything for their other GC. They gave unlimited childcare, picked them up from school, took them on holiday, literally did everything for them both logistically and financially.

We have not had so much as an hour of childcare or any other help or support for our DS. They told us they felt they’d already done their bit as GPs and then carried on almost as if our DS is an inconvenience. They continue to provide significant support to their other now adult GC.

We just can’t be bothered to argue about it anymore. We said our bit and now we have very minimal contact with them. My DH hasn’t seen my parents since our DS Was born. I see MIL maybe once every 6 months. None of them ever come to our house despite all living locally, some within walking distance.

We have made it clear to all including our siblings that when the time comes for any of our parents to need care that we won’t be stepping up to the plate not least because we need to focus on our own DS.

No point trying to change things, just act accordingly and get on with your life without the negative influences.

Wow. His things left outside the house? Now that's cooooold.

I don't understand why people are being so heartless on this thread. There's a few normal people who seem to have normal understanding of helping your own family out now and then, fortunately, and a bit of heart.

Ignore the folk here who are cut from the same cloth as your DH's family.

At least your mum sounds a decent person!

It's an incredible sad situation, and one I'm all too familiar with. There's no "village" anymore. There's no help.. You just have to rely on your husband and he rely on you. It's hard. And terribly sad. But I get through it as I know I'll be a better grandparent if my children have their own children. I'll be there for them and help them through the difficult times.

Christ alive, she’s not asking them to raise her kids, she’s asking them to look after them for a couple of hours, every now and again! What kind, compassionate grandparents would begrudge that, they’re their grandchildren for god same. They’re their family!!
OP, I think they sound shit and you and your kids are better off without them.

I have members of my family who you're expected to have a relationship with but there is no common ground. Dull conversation about the weather. Not allowed to ask any in depth questions or have any interesting conversations because they might be offensive. I just don't get it.

they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it.

Mine broke down on Friday and the repairer is booked in to sort it on Tuesday. They choose to live like that. Don't expect them to change.

Forgot to revert my username 😂 but this one's appropriate for this thread.

My DM never spent any time alone (like reading a book or watching TV whilst I made dinner) with my DS never mind babysit. She had no interest in his life apart from bragging how clever he was. Consequently he had no relationship with her.

Her DM used to look after me and take me places and she had my DF who was really hands on. I was a single parent.

I didn't and I don't get it.

It's sad that they show no interest but what can you do? 🤷‍♀️ just don't bother with them much, let DH do the communication with them if he wants to. Do nice things with your own mum and family. It's their loss, they won't have a close relationship with their children and grandchildren.

Honestly haven't read all all of this for once, usually make sure i have I e looked at everything before commenting but I have to say I find myself in the grim position of extremely high expectations for childcare without out any kind of reciprocal agry.
So I do 3 days per week child care involves a v lengthy and expensive drive, my DH props them up up financially to a considerable amount per month when he should really be retired

Sorry posted too soon.
Am just feeling sad looking at all the responses here. Was Father's Day today here and despite propping them up in r dry way financially and practically not even a card so I think tbtare your kids your responsibility I'm afraid you need to get on with it . And hopeytheyll be appreciative when you need them,
Absolutely no guarantee s there I'm afraid.
Good luck

Wow, helpful!!

I can sympathise op my in laws have offered no help not even an hour with ds. And they brag about looking after their other grandchild as it’s a second marriage for them so a blended family. It’s really put me off them so now just happy to avoid them much as possible.

They have a different view on being grandparents to you. They’ve told you how it’s going to be.

Do you ask too frequently fir help?

I think people are getting offended because I’ve mentioned the word help. Whilst we would love some help we don’t need it often at all because I reduced my hours dramatically to one evening a week as it’s all we could do with my partners odd work times. On the odd occasion I need help (I do have around 90% of my older child with different dad) my mum helps despite being around 15 years older. My mum is brilliant and the kids bomb to her for a cuddle. They won’t go to the others MIL, the little one clings round my leg. That’s what I’m talking about the relationship is non existent. In my head I thought they’d want one. But like people have said they don’t care. Backing off feels weird but nothing more I can do, I can’t make them care.

so which is it op
and “we don’t ask anything anymore” vs your dh asking them for childcare

and you “ask DH not to ask them” but then also suggest he ask his dad about diy