My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

@Immemorialelms that’s good advice. I do need to see them as they my partners parents. We never asked for regular childcare because the mum still works and they go away for weeks at a time, they also said no to the other grandchildren so there really wasn’t much point asking. My parents helped when my dad was alive. They offered and they are in our lives a lot. We did ask for the occasional bit of physical help but it was always a problem or there was an excuse so you just naturally stop.

I find being in their company very difficult. For example if you naturally talk about life like “oh baby is teething she is so unhappy at night, me and “Steven” share the nights at the moment, poor baby. The response from the mum is not oh babies yeah they hard or oh I remember that or anything else she says well “Steven” shouldn’t be awake, why is he helping at night, why can’t you do it. I need like you said to only speak about things that’s don’t induce any conversations like this. I find it hard to bite my tongue, then she won’t look at me the rest of the time.

I think I’ve taken it personally when it’s who she is and not a dislike of me.

I’m nearly 50 and as yet have never had to deal with anything alone - child or adult. A bit sad that you have this view to be honest.

OP what does your DH say they were like when he was a child? Caring and interested ? Or not? What are they like with his brother and family?

@WhiteLily1 he just shrugs and is pretty mute when I ask. They do seem more involved with the other brother and family but they don’t ask for anything. The gf of the brother grew up in the village to so they tend to talk about people they both know.

Ok- that’s quite strange then. Sounds just like that’s who they are? Stance that you don’t know much about your DH childhood- if it was happy one / the sorts of things his parents used to do with them? How involved they were? How much love / affection and time they spend with him? I got a sense of all that in the first couple of years of meeting my DH long before we were married or had kids

*strange not stance

@WhiteLily1 Ive heard about the places they went on holiday. He tells me the stories of his friends as he got older and all the stupid stuff boys do with cars etc. He is a people pleaser to his parents. I think he used to go around a great deal before meeting me. He has told me his mum never approved of his gfs. He got to the age of 30 before having one that lasted and that was me. She wasn’t happy when I got pregnant. They just seem emotionally non existent. They don’t tell a single story that feels emotional, it’s all factual.

I don’t think there is any malicious to them but I do think that something is driving it. I think the idea that it’s some ND makes a lot of sense. I think the emotional needs of their sons have been neglected unintentionally. I think they are doing it to me also and we clashing as I’m not used to this way. I would hope they aren’t just being awful for the sake.

I am sorry you are on the receiving end of this. You can't change them, only work on your own reaction to them. Your poor husband.

To come to terms with the reality of the situation, I would seriously consider talking therapy such as CBT.

On a practical note, you have DC. This opens you to a whole new world of people who may become your friends or even consider chosen family over time. Baby and toddler groups, parents at hobbies and the school crowd are all excellent places to invest in meaningful reciprocal relationships with others. Parents get it! We all need a night off now and then. We have no family nearby and asked the nursery staff if anyone did babysitting. This solved our problem as our DC already had a great relationship with them as carers.

I suggest you look to heal yourselves and seek new relationships elsewhere. Let the in laws go and do what they want. They will never be the people you want them to be, so find your tribe elsewhere. If you put the same energy into new friendships you will get so much more back. I really hope the months ahead bring you both more happiness.

Doing the odd bit of evening babysitting and looking after an elderly parent isn’t tit for tat. It’s not even comparable. It just shows a relationship.

If a GP says, sorry I don’t feel able to look after a small child with confidence, fine. Not to be interested at all is a different thing. Helping might even just be sat with child whilst mum gets on, doesn’t have to be full care.

MIL was a disinterested parent and then a disinterested GP. No surprise. She was pushed by BIL to do some childcare but she got out of it asap, she did not like being left alone with children. My experience was she hardly even asked about our DC, just criticised me over parenting (babies should be locked in rooms and left to scream was her idea of parenting).
If you ask DH though she was the greatest GP who ever lived and how awful it is for our children that’s she’s gone. I think his expectations are low though.

I do think expectations come into play a lot. I have reduced my expectations as the years have gone on to zero. That way I’m not disappointed. The consequence of accepting their level is that we have zero relationship. DH is not flustered with this level which leaves me to believe that his childhood had zero expectations so this is his normal and it’s familiar. It’s not mine and I don’t think this is normal. You can’t have a relationship with zero input and zero emotions or needs.

How were they towards you and DH before you had your child? Did you have much of a relationship before? How many years have you known them / been together with DP?

@Ioftenwonder sorry to hear of your situation. I have in laws who love to complain about not seeing dc enough (we suggest things to them all the time) but don’t make an effort if it isn’t exactly what they want and have not once offered any actual help, in any sense. And like you I’m not really expecting any help from them, do a hell of a lot on my own and hardly ever get even an hour to myself. But just to be asked once would be nice. I think you should just distance yourselves from them, as pp said they will reap what they sow and so will mine unfortunately. Weird behaviour xx

It does feel like weird behaviour @watermelonsugar56 . I’m not sure what they want, if anything. I suspect (well it feels) like they want to be completely avoidant but still have a relationship when it comes to them telling people. I can’t make head nor tail of it and I think I’m running out of patience trying to be decent. I suspect that’s why they got their kids trying so bloody hard for attention and not realising when they just getting avoided.

It's fine. It doesn't make them heartless. You are not entitled to childcare services from them.

It is within their rights to feel these ways. Not everyone wants to be dealing with children..

You deciding to have children is not anything the family has to "go through."

The family is compromised of individuals who are each free to make their own decisions in their lives. They don't "owe" you or other members anything.

You intentionally become a parent, the responsibility lies on you and the other parent to ultimately figure these things out.

Not all families are close, and taking turns babysitting each other kids.

If distant non close or bonded families aren't your "thing", you shouldn't have decided to become a permanent "fixture" for the remainder of your life.

@Burntouted that’s terrible advice. I don’t think you’ve read the thread. Going by your advice they shouldn’t have had children if they going to get rid as young adults and have them sleep on the sofa as you’ve emptied their room into bin bags before they even have keys. I’m sorry you are wrong.

And we’ve established that they can do and be what they like but can’t expect us to continue and not slowly cut them off.

Your PILs wouldn't do childcare when you had suspected sepsis?

Look, lovely, these are people who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Proven.

Whatever the reason, they truly are not worth bothering with. Cherish your mother, let go the idea of anything at ALL from them.

That's utterly disgusting behaviour by them.

Children don’t ‘owe’ their parents care in later life just because they brought them up. They weren’t doing them a favour! It was their choice to have their kids therefore their responsibility to care for them.

Sounds like my inlaws. Heartless, cold and self pitying. Hubby isn't bothered about them so I won't push I suggest you do the same. It's sad your dad has died but you def won't find a replacement in your inlaws. I think it will just cause upset stress for your husband.

@Devon23 some weird shit going on way before I joined the family I think!

What is the point of you? Who are you to judge human worth?

What is the point of them as in grandparents and in laws and parents? What is the point on trying to maintain a relationship is what I meant really. There is no point. They can live their life how they like, it’s none of my business. But it’s my business if they want to teach any of this to my children. I don’t like the way they are. I’ve made the decision to completely back off and leave the relationship between them and DH to it. I won’t be advocating one between them and the kids. They know where we are. Haven’t heard from them in 5 or so weeks anyway.

It’s harsh but stop wasting your time and emotions on something that won’t happen. Could they be neurodivergent as you said the mum doesn’t make eye contact.

just leave them be.

my kid doesn’t have a relationship with my dad who lives abroad. My dad walked out when I was a toddler and not been involved much in my life. He’s more like a distant uncle. He appreciates cards as we send a box with everything in for the year at Christmas time with some treats. He is basically a bachelor and struggles to interact with people. He wouldn’t have had kids if I hadn’t been an accident and you had to marry the mother back in those days.

they obviously haven’t thought about help they might require when they are older. Did they help their own elderly parents?

just let them be. Send cards for significant dates like birthdays but don’t worry about them or give them more of your valuable headspace. Oh and ignore the haters on here as well.