My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

if they “keep preaching”

why on earth do you keep asking?

They probably think they are preparing you for their demise

@summeronion they live 10 mins away and we see them if we go over which has dwindled now because I’ve stopped making the effort. I’d say it goes months. My DH doesn’t seem that fussed.

What do you mean you're not sure? It just is what it is. Stop asking for help

so in what context are they “preaching” to you 😕

Posters are correct that grandparents are not obligated to help but it does take a community to raise a child. So much is demanded of women that you would hope those closest would feel the desire to support.

@summeronion We dont ask anything anymore. It was so sad because at the beginning DH was excited about his parents and his baby but as the time has gone by he has stopped asking. Sometimes he won’t know how to do some DIY and I’ll say oh ask your dad (mine has died) then remember oh he won’t help. It’s just sad. I’m not used it it.
They are young still, so late 50’s.

It's more than just not helping though - it sounds like they don't even want a conversation or a relationship at all.

Yes @Firtreeandpinecones he can’t even ask advice from his parents when we had the baby. You can’t speak or ask for anything. They will literally say you figure it out we had to.

As others have said, they will be the first to ask for help when they start getting older. Selfish smug people are often like that. Pity that you will be too busy.

you haven’t seen them for months
and very rarely do
so they really don’t preach to you much if you’re honest

and i’m baffled why you continue to ask them for help or indeed advice

does your DH say they were always like this? what was his childhood like?

That's really sad for you. You can't make them want a relationship with you though.

what’s your family situation?

@summeronion it is my DH more so then me. I don’t ask for a single thing. He asked if they could look after grandchild so he could take me for a birthday meal and that was no. My mum is all I have left and she helps as much as she can, she loves all her grandchildren and rings to speak to them.

Yes he says this is how they are but he for some reason still thinks they are going to be interested. He said that they couldn’t wait to be grandparents etc but it’s definitely not the case. He is so oblivious. I tell him not to ask them.

Firstly would you want to leave your children with them? 😕

secondly they aren’t leading you up the garden path… they have always been like this with your DH and they continue to be like this. Insular and not bothered by family.

So accept and move on. You say your DH “isn’t fussed”. Adopt his approach. Should be easy if you see them a few times a year

I don't understand this tit for tat attitude. What has happened to compassion. Besides I presume they looked after your DH when he was a child so if you are going by that attitude caring for them in their old age could be paying them back for caring for him when he was a child.
OP saying what is the point of them makes it sound as though the only point of someone is to make your life easier. It isn't. They have a life of their own.
By the way I regularly look after my grandchildren. I provide after school childcare and they sleep over regularly. But that's my choice and I enjoy having that relationship with them. I don't think it's my duty.

@Notreat no I don’t see it as their duty at all. But what kind of relationship and how do you build a relationship with people who aren’t interested for whatever reason is anything you are doing? Surely they didn’t have their children to just abandon them when they got to age 18. It’s kind of what’s happened, they both moved out young and that’s that.

How can you know that they won't help with their grandchild until you actually have one?

@haddockfortea exactly
and my DH said that his mum would be so happy. She isn’t at all!

good grief
head wall

they don’t want a relationship
they have always been like this hence your DH not being fussed

you see than a few times a year

Don’t ask for childcare again (in any event who would want people like this looking after your children)

and adopt the same “not fussed” attitude as your DH

Well, it's a shame and it's their loss.

I guess that's how they were brought up?

And of course OP will be modelling to her DC how to treat her in old age. Worth bearing in mind.

OP if they are in their 50s does that mean they still work? If so, perhaps they just don't have the time?

OP presumably might want to be involved in her kids' lives when they are adults and give them the odd bit of help?