My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

It’s not easy if you’re on the receiving end, but they’re making it clear that you can’t have any expectations.

I see it the opposite way, we had no help due to unexpected parental ill health, so if I become a grandparent I’ll be offering help in spades, as I know how hard it can be

They don’t sound particularly nice, but also they don’t actually owe you anything. You knew they were like this before you had a child - why are you surprised that they haven’t changed?

They sound completely heartless.

I think you just have to suck it up

My dads parents (my grandparents) were like this. Lived 10 mins away and refused to ever help my mum. Even begrudged babysitting when she was in labour with my sister!

Mum stopped asking and never relied on them, but she will go out of her way to help her children because she knows what it was like and it wasn’t nice.

You know now who they are. I’d make little effort with them, keep visits to a minimum and if they ever need any help in their old age make sure you’re too busy

They sound shite. Every family is different and they just can't be bothered. Let go of them and just limit contact. Of course they have the right to be as involved as they want but you'll forever feel resentment. Hence suggesting you just limit your engagement with them.

Well that means you will be too busy with your dc should they need any help doesn't it?

They sound tiresome.

I wouldn't be going "out of my way" to offer a ton of help as they get older, honestly.

I guess it depends how often you ask for help? I know people who are very quick to ask for help with everything and it is a bit draining. That said- you may not be like that. My own parents have never once taken their GCs for an hour - even when I had to take DS1 to a medical appointment and wanted to leave DS2 behind- while they were actually staying in our own house!! They just said 'They have done their child rearing'.

I will say though- it goes both ways perhaps. When they are old and infirm and need help with the shopping etc.... well, perhaps they need to deal with it on their own.

It's a bit odd, but you know where you stand, and where they will stand if they need help in old age.

I had this. It’s heartbreaking and limiting.

They sound completely soulless OP.
I love helping with my granddaughter.
I'm sorry your in-laws are miserable ungenerous people. What does DH make of them? And does he have siblings?

@heldinadream he has brother. They both left very young and were self sufficient around 19/20. My DH is oblivious but he doesn’t ask anything of them.

My Ex in laws were like this . I think in some ways my MIL was jealous . Her attitude was the same that she had no help , she had to manage so we should too. On the other hand , my mother grew up with not much , lived away from family and couldn't do enough for us both financially and with helpfulness.
Very unlikable attitude to have .

Soulless is a good word. They exist but without feeling, it’s odd!

We had this issue. We accepted their position they on the other hand didn’t like it when they started to need help/care and we said sorry we aren’t available

@Soonenough Ive really tried hard but there is nothing to connect to. I remember inviting them to our child’s first birthday and they sat in silence. They gave her a bouncy ball and that was it. Didn’t play just sat in silence.

"What is the point of them?" Well, for a start they are human beings with as much right as you have to live on planet earth.

Why do you feel they owe you something? Why should they help? It's your life and you chose to have a child. They didn't make you reproduce. If you resented standing on your own two feet then you should've made different choices.

They don't ask you for help so stop moaning and get on with your life.

Wonder if they’ll expect help when they are elderly.

If they won’t offer a single hour of help with their grandchild, ever, then they don’t really deserve to be part of your family. And I would treat them as such.

@ginasevern of course they have as much right. If they want nothing to do with their children and grandchildren then that’s on them. They just have no purpose in our lives, I don’t see the point, they don’t want to help and don’t need help. They are like acquaintances. You say hello and that’s it’s. They aren’t interested in what you are doing and where you’ve been. You can’t get a reply back if you ask the same questions. If a situation occurs and you need help you can’t ask. I’m not sure how this is meant to work?

what kind of “help” are you asking for?

how often do they see your children?

you don’t have a close relationship with them

no one is at fault

that’s just how it is

You do need to deal with everything yourselves, they're your children

I think it’s nice to help out family and friends but they are right that they don’t need to.

what is their relationship like with your DH

what was his childhood like?