My in-laws keep preaching this notion that we need to deal with everything alone!

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m not sure what is going on here. I’ve always thought that families deal with things together. They won’t offer a single bit of help with their grandchild. Not one hour. They keep saying we had no help and we did fine. But really have they done fine because I don’t think their thinking is particularly nice. Same with everything, if you are sick they don’t ask. If you need help with anything they really drag feet. What is the point of them really. They don’t ask for help either. It’s like they have a washing machine thats only worked on cold for years and they still use it. You meet with them, they talk about the weather or the something then leave.

Am I being unreasonable, is this normal? We don’t ask for help anymore.

You don't have to offer childcare anyway to show interest and enthusiasm for grandparents, my MIL was not suitable to have children on her own, but she always sent them presents, remembered important features of their lives, rang up and 'kissed' them down the phone and generally acted as if they were Very Important People. As well as leaving her grandchildren a lot of money in her will. They felt loved, it's about feeling loved and it sounds like that's what is missing here, which it's reasonable to feel sorry about.

Some people are like that. My in laws never helped out. Apparently my husband did ask for help when his second child was born and was a very fussy baby, and his (first) wife was having a hard time coping. The answer was (this was her first grandkids) 'I've done my time'. So he swore never to ask for help again. And they never offered. I just accepted that was the way it was. Mind you, they've never asked us for help either.

I have a disinterested mother who also told me she didn’t care if I died (when I was a little girl and quite ill) she is now a disinterested grandparent , I am not surprised as I know she is not capable of it

My parents are like this, just selfish and self-absorbed. At least I know where I stand and when they’re old and need help I won’t be there.

My ILs are like this. They made it very clear we weren’t to ask for help. All conversations are superficial.
They've lost out on a close relationship with their families and they have started to notice how much closer their peers are to their families but it’s too late.

Glad for you that your mum is a lovely grandma!

It sounds a bit rubbish with the other side, but sadly some families are like this. I doubt they'll change.

Bet in twenty years they'll be whinging to anyone who will listen how sad they are that their grandkids barely know them and how much they wanted a relationship with them.

I think that is sad for you and them. Our DDs know if they need anything we will help if we can. That's what families do.

That is how I describe my mum now, an aquaintance who has absolutely no interest in me and, if I didn't contact her would not contact me. It makes you doubt your own self worth so yes I understand why you are puzzled by it.

What's is the point of them? Bloody hell OP we don't all exist to serve your needs. The point of them is that they're people in their own right. Lovers, friends, parents. They raised your partner and did it all without help.

I mean how DARE they not live to make you happy.

That is a bit of a reach.

I don’t think so, people don’t have to exist to just do stuff for everyone else all the time, they’re under no obligation to.

My exes parents were like this. When his Dad died I helped his mum out so much. Went to the house every weekend. Took her out shopping and spent the whole day with her. I felt bad for her and I wanted to rekindle a family bond. I was very close to my mum and when she died she was very little support to me. When me and my ex split she didn't talk to me saying she didn't want to get involved. He'd had an affair. It was an awful time. The upshot is you're not going to change them. Keep your side of the street clean in terms of your relationship with them. But don't invest time in improving the relationship because in my experience it gets you nowhere. Some people just don't know how to love I guess

Sounds about right to me, if a bit stark in the phrasing. As adults we DO have to deal with things alone. And which of us would want to be dependent on other people? It's "tough love", but it's honest and sensible.

@BeaRF75 so tough love involves not seeing your grandchildren or asking how they are? Not dropping your son a msg if they are unwell to ask if ok? Why do the grandchildren have to experience tough love from their parents parents. It’s cold. Some things you can’t deal with alone also.

Oh well I can’t connect to his parents at all and I guess it’s visa versa. They exist but way on the outskirts of my thoughts and I’ve tried. It’s not like they will visit as they didn’t visit their son’s house once before we moved in together. The mum had packed up his belongs at age 19 when he said he was moving and left them outside the house. It’s all weird!

It’s sad for your husband because it sounds like they were pretty shit at being parents and he will likely spend his whole life thinking that eventually something will come along that gets a better reaction . From your side don’t call them or ask them for anything , be polite if they approach you but don’t be the first to make a move . Stop letting them have any space in your head , they are not worth it , it is them that are missing out - your child has one nice granny he/ she will not miss what they never had . On the plus side when they want your help you will easily and without any guilt be able to say no I’m too busy .

Why bother trying to engage with people who obviously don’t give a fuck about you?

made all the more weirder by you continuing to ask for “help” and childcare… no matter how infrequently

they don’t want to
they never have
they have been like this all your DH’s life

give up OP

Set your expectations very low and you won’t be disappointed, it’s quite a release

@OneLivelyDreamer its my partner who keeps asking. Then coming to me saying they’ve said no. He keeps asking then doesn’t seem bothered then asks something else but the reply is always the same. I did in the beginning try to talk to her about the pregnancy etc but she never was interested.

He told me the mum was desperate to have their other grandchildren, bought all the stuff for sleepovers but the DIL always said no. I was happy if this is what she wanted but she always said no. I don’t think it was the case of the other DIL saying no.

Have no expectations it’s what I do and on the very rare occasion they do take an interest it makes you really pleased

That's so sad op. My in laws didn't help much with my kids when they were babies. I struggled so so much with 2 under 2 and even had a charity involved so a lady would come round twice a week and take us out, help with housework etc. She was amazing. I was so depressed. I moved to the area away from my whole family and I was so alone.
They take them now overnight once a week and they are 8&10. Could have used something, anything, years ago though. 🤷🏼‍♀️ but I'm proud of myself!

Dont go out of your way with them. Dont expect anything. You got this.

My own parents were like this with us. My DSIS received lots of help we got nothing. She refuser to acknowledge the unfairness of the situation. If they weren’t looking after my niece they were having a day off no interest in visiting us or looking after mine for an hour or two ever. My DM received a lot of help from her DM so she actually had help aswell.

but you said he isn’t fussed!