Found something in Husband's office bag

[BettyMs2024]

Hi ladies, I was shocked to find condoms in my husband's office bag.

For context, we have been having a strained relationship for the past 1.5 years with minimal to no physical contact.

I am unable to process this situation and feel completely lost. Please advise me on what steps I should take. I don't want to ignore this!
I work so hard professionally and on kids front and this is making me feel 😪 I actually don't know what to feel about this!

I'm sorry but your husband is either having an affair or using prostitutes. Are you prepared to tolerate this?

Most likely shagging one of his coworkers.

Get your financial affairs in order and start preparing for a new future.

No- I don't want to be quiet about it but right now I want some suggestions how to proceed- never thought this day would come 😪

Why have you had no psychical contact for 1.5 years. Its Inevitable really, you need sex in your relationship for it to work else it's just a friendship.

If you have access to emails, WhatsApp, texts I would discretely look through them, although some would disagree.

Does he have an iPhone where location can be tracked?

I would also do a discrete condom count each week. Potential work fling.

personally I’d sit tight for a couple of months, watch him and wait while getting everything in order to leave.

id talk to him in a month or two

I think what 'do' is a lot of thinking. But don't gaslight yourself into forgetting about it. Privately think about the choices you have. What would need to be done to go different direction. Confide in a friend. X

I'd be livid, and start working on my exit plan.

Well you have very low standards, that's all I can say.

I am so sorry. I would like to think I could wait, gather evidence and confront him when I’m in the strongest position - having as much undeniable evidence, all financial details, perhaps a consultation with solicitor under my belt so I know all my options. In truth though I would probably hurl his bag at his head as soon as he walked in and go ballistic then kick him out. If you can, follow the advice in PP. If you can’t, kick his cheating arse out immediately. Sending hugs x

@BettyMs2024 Please advise me on what steps I should take.

I would find a good solicitor and ask them what steps to take.

Also, you've said minimal to no physical contact, but worth considering if you need to be tested for STDs. And don't go to bed with him.

What an awful experience for you, OP. Sending commiseration.

Who's idea was the no sex?

But that should not be a justification to cheat either—if he is doing that! If you have someone else, have the courage to say it with dignity!!

The comment by @SillyHam didn't give any indication to what his or her standards are, so to say they have very low standards is incorrect.

But OP, yes, living without physical contact with your spouse is soul crushing, as reported by the many women who start threads like this.

If he is having sex with other people that’s obviously not good though. Do you think there is anything worth saving? Do you want to find a way through this? Some people do and are seemingly successful. Some don’t want to, and that’s understandable.

Edit - op posted again while I was typing.

What did he say when you talked about the lack of sex?

Have you talked about the no sex and how that’s happened? Do you still fancy him? Does he still fancy you? If you aren’t intimate are you still physically in touch with each other?

He has clearly decided he doesn’t want to be celibate. Do with that what you will.

I just thought of prostitute would provide her own condoms

It doesn't matter if op and h aren't having sex, there is usually a very good reason, that's no excuse to start an affair. I would keep quiet fir now but do a weekly condom check, if you don't want to remain in this marriage you can speak to a so,icitir, start getting everything you need gathered up then ask him who are the condoms for.. alternatively tell him you found them and after his response tell him to leave.

Are you certain he didn't buy these condoms hoping the two of you would use them at some point?

OP if your relationship has been strained for 1.5 years and you’ve not been having sex etc are there fundamental issues with the relationship?

Obviously condoms aren’t a great sign, bit it seems there’s more going on?

I would have a conversation about the relationship as a whole and that you’ve found the condoms. Then you need to decide if you want to try and work it out or not.

If they were meant to be used by us, they would have been unopened in a packet, not in his office bag without packaging.

I totally understand that our strained relationship is a foundation of this, but how does it become acceptable to cheat rather than working on resolving the issues?

Well kindly people tend to not go without sex for that long. He obviously doesn’t want to go through a divorce at the moment. Nor lose seeing his kids daily.

This isn’t out of the blue or unexpected unless there’s been extensive discussions about lack of sex or due to a medical issue etc?

What has being happening in your relationship? Is there communication? What do you want because ideally before you take any steps you should take a pause and have what you want to achieve. I am sorry you are going through this but having been on the otherside, no affair, it isn’t easy either.

I think he wanted you to find them as he is shagging someone. Otherwise she would have looked after them

So sorry x

I am extremely anti affairs. I think they are cowardly and abusive.

However, I really wish that this message that lack of sex or physical intimacy is perfectly acceptable in a marriage wasnt so rolled out. The lack of it has the potential for a huge problems that leaves your relationship vulnerable to ending especially if it's at the decision of one person.

It is literally one step away from moving your relationship into co parents and roommates who co ordinate on schedules/bills and house organisation.

The level of acceptance of that on here and then is surprise that one person is going outside the relationship for sex, intimacy and a romantic relationship is pretty naive.

The only way it's anyway healthy or acceptable is if it's something that is openly discussed, agreed on and both people are happy with it.

That doesn't mean its ok for a partner to cheat, but it does mean its highly likely at least one person if not both at some level wont be happy in the relationship.

Personally I'm not a person who could sit on something like this, trying to go detective and figure out it out.

I would literally put the kids to bed, ask him to sit at the kitchen table put his bag down on it take out the condoms and ask him is he having sex with someone else.

You mention working, how are your finances? Do you have access to them all?

Have you support to call on outside of him?

I think you know your marriage is over. What you should do is find a solicitor on Monday and make an appointment. Things you can do in the meantime is to request a mortgage statement if you have a mortgage, and get on Zoopla to get a rough idea of the equity in your house. Same with pensions valuations if you have access to these at the moment.
Armed with that knowledge you can have a look at whether you can afford to buy him out, or what you could realistically afford if you sold the marital home and split the equity.
I would also look up any benefits you might be entitled to and how much CMS you’d receive. This will help you get a view of what your lifestyle will be like and to make adjustments (working hours, expenditure etc.) in the meantime.
It’s all very overwhelming, I know, but I’m very much a pragmatist and I like to feel control over the things I can control when everything else is spiraling.
The conversations about his infidelity and whether both of you want to work on your marriage can come after you know what your life looks like materially without him.
So sorry you are going through this OP. What an absolutely shit situation to be in. But that doesn’t mean these things don’t happen for a reason, and that your life together or apart can’t be better than it is now. You just have to work to get there.

Take a photo of it and look for the expiration date. When I caught an ex cheating, I told him to leave.