Found something in Husband's office bag

[BettyMs2024]

Hi ladies, I was shocked to find condoms in my husband's office bag.

For context, we have been having a strained relationship for the past 1.5 years with minimal to no physical contact.

I am unable to process this situation and feel completely lost. Please advise me on what steps I should take. I don't want to ignore this!
I work so hard professionally and on kids front and this is making me feel 😪 I actually don't know what to feel about this!

@DullFanFiction @kkloo I said withholding sex is abusive and I stand by my point it is abusive to withhold sex without communicating why. My bad to the OP I see now that it's the husband that's withholding sex and I'm assuming he hasn't told her why- this is abusive behaviour. Most adult human beings need sex the way they need hugs, need to laugh, need communication, need fun, need downtime etc. with in a marriage (Unless it's an open marriage) you only have your spouse to fulfil that need for you so if they stop doing it and refuse to tell you why that's a terrible thing. I never said a person should force themselves to have sex if they don't want to for whatever reason. I said if they refuse to give a reason then it becomes abusive.

I think most people do communicate why though, when their partner asks they say they have no libido or they don't feel close to their partner.

I always see threads online with people saying their partner refuses to discuss the lack of sex but they detail all of the many conversations in the past where their partner told them they just had no libido and they're tired or exhausted or stressed or whatever it is that they think is causing the low libido but then that's not accepted....or they might say it's because they're not getting on or whatever the reasons are but they're not accepted and they keep demanding more answers which is why people eventually refuse to talk about it because when they did in the past their answers weren't accepted. I'd say the amount of dead bedrooms where someone hasn't told a partner 'why' when asked are absolutely tiny.

The OP didn't say that she asked him to explain why, she said she never said no to getting intimate with him so presumably she hasn't asked him about the lack of intimacy. It sounds more like she's saying he just stopped initiating it with her and she never discussed it with him.

Why is having a wank the same as cheating? Of course it's not.

OP you'd best get legal advice to prepare in case your DH suddenly announces he's leaving you for someone else! Get your ducks in a row. By all means confront him, but know that if you do and he is having an affair, he may leave. So be ready as you can be.

There is no way on this earth that a man has bought a box of condoms and kept them in his briefcase to have a posh wank. Absolutely no way.

Hi all,

So I finally confronted him, but he got all defensive and started making a big deal out of me asking why I looked in his bag. He said he doesn't owe me any explanations. I'm pretty hurt right now. I've been trying so hard for the past two years to make things better, but he hasn't done anything. I'm going to my parents' place for a while. I feel totally lost and weak. 😢 I have no idea what the future holds.

Of course he made a big deal about you going through his bag—that’s the script, just like it is when a woman goes through a phone or emails—gaslight the DW and make her sound crazy for not trusting you.

He doesn’t owe you an explanation?!?! About why he has literal birth control devices in his work bag?!?!

How horrible OP. How dare he dismiss you in such a cold way. It could just be the shock of being caught out, or he may have mentally checked out of your relationship already. I think you are wise to give yourself some breathing space.

His response says it all. Doesn't owe any explanation?!?!?!

I’m so sorry to hear your update. Does owe you an explanation my arse!
I bet if you look back at the past now you can prob see how he would prob find fault in you for no reason! He could probably see you were trying so would push you away as his attentions and priorities were elsewhere….
it’s good you are getting away, you need some space and hopefully your parents can give you a bit of tlc x

Can't think of many responses that would be worse than 'don't owe you an explanation'. Sounds like he's blindsided himself. Has he been in contact since you left?

Exactly. I doubt anyone does this beyond teenage years, until they upgrade to a Fleshlight. 😂

@BettyMs2024 i hope you’re ok.

From what you’ve said you’ve been fighting to save this marriage for long enough.

You now know it’s not worth fighting for and he is no prince far from it, HE is not worth fighting for.

Time to fight for yourself and reclaim some happiness. You deserve so much better than this worthless piece of rubbish.

‘leave a cheater gain a life’ is a great book. May help you answer some of the questions that’ll be going round and round your head.

I am not okay! I cry every time I am alone.

I do have a job, but it is not enough to pay the bills. I am 45, already tired mentally and physically, so I find it hard to motivate myself to retrain or find a better-paying job.

At times, I feel like dying, but I know I cannot do it as my kids need me. I feel sorry for myself. He was the reason why we came to the UK, and now I feel I belong nowhere—not here or in my home country!

Apologies for such a depressing message, but I feel like giving up. 😔🙏

He's a prick, and his response says everything you need to know. You'll do great without him once you have got past the shock of this - I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve better. You belong in the UK or wherever you want to settle and can build up a social circle around you once you have the energy. Your kiddos are better off with a happy mum that isn't being disrespected. You can and will do better than him ❤️ don't give up, you are surely very loved. So many women have been in your position with a piece of shit man. And like the other user said, he's done the classic cheater, gaslighting script of "well why were YOU in my bag" . Scumbag for that

I'm not sure what your way of coping is, either keep yourself busy or see if you can have somebody look after the kids so you can get some time to yourself and let.your hair down. Tell a friend, or family member, so you can vent without having to hold everything in. You can get through this ❤️

Ugh, I'm sorry. Well done for having the courage to confront - I imagine your heart must have been thumping.

He got all defensive and started making a big deal out of me asking why I looked in his bag. He said he doesn't owe me any explanations

That's a classic behaviour called DARVO - when cornered, when there ARE no other explanations, they will lash out. Deny, Attack/Accuse, Reversing Victim and Offender.

The panic reaction.

That's what he's doing.

You've made a new life for yourself and your family here.

You're nearly young enough to be my daughter. You have so much ahead of you.

The peri menopause years are an absolute bitch and your GP should be able to help there.

Book an appointment with a family solicitor who can help you understand your rights and his responsibilities here.

https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730