Found something in Husband's office bag

[BettyMs2024]

Hi ladies, I was shocked to find condoms in my husband's office bag.

For context, we have been having a strained relationship for the past 1.5 years with minimal to no physical contact.

I am unable to process this situation and feel completely lost. Please advise me on what steps I should take. I don't want to ignore this!
I work so hard professionally and on kids front and this is making me feel 😪 I actually don't know what to feel about this!

There are three reasons for finding condoms in his bag.

He's using prostitutes. Meaningless (to him) way to deal with no sex at home.
Check the credit card and bank statements for odd payments or cash withdrawals.

He's having casual flings.

He's fallen in love and is having a secret relationship.

Decide what you think and feel about each one, bearing in mind they could be male or female.

Don't just ask him casually 'is there something I should know, are you having an affair?' etc. He will lie and gaslight you and attempt to make you feel you're imagining things.

Just check the bag, put it on the table, put the condoms in front of him and tell him 'you need to explain this now'. Watch his face and body language.

He will attempt to get out of it, generally using:

• I didn't know they were there
• Someone put it in my bag for a joke
• I'm looking after them for someone else
• Poshwank

He will also attempt to deflect:

'Why are you looking in my bag? Are you spying on me? How dare you?'

And this will, somehow, be twisted as your fault. 'If you hadn't (insert bullshit) I'd never have (insert more bullshit).'

Be prepared to discover, as so many women here have, that you never really knew him.

Often the cheaters are equally or more shocked when their partner splits up with them after they cheat.........they're often begging for another chance then and apparently can't live without the person they cheated on.

Oh how awful for you. You must feel absolutely beside yourself. It must be hard to even focus and think clearly never mind carry on with daily tasks. Eating together etc must seem impossible at the moment- you probably can’t even look him in the eye. I would catch him off guard & very calmly tell him you’ve found them and you’d like him to leave. An innocent man would protest. You’ll know by the look on his face. It’s pretty obvious though. Can’t think of any other reason he’d have them.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Be prepared to discover, as so many women here have, that you never really knew him.

This...... I never ever thought my husband would be unfaithful...He was, with the last person I would ever have suspected.

A 15 yrs older than him colleague. {woman}

What a stupid thing to say.
People can lose their libido for all sorts of reasons, in the OP case it seemed to be for health reasons and because in the last year he is always picking fault with her.

And you think she lost the moral high ground and the right to be devastated.

Do you think he's lost the 'moral high ground' and 'right to be devastated' now if she wants to divorce him? Many of these cheats beg for forgiveness or for another chance and say they can't live without their spouses.

Presumably because she's a mature adult who isn't completely self-centred?

If my partner lost his libido due to health issues I wouldn't feel entitled to have an affair. If I started treating him badly meaning that he wanted to sleep with me even less I wouldn't feel entitled to an affair because I'm not a self-centered asshole. If I couldn't handle the lack of sex then I'd leave.

Some really strange attitude to marriage on this thread. Are these blokes trying to argue their right to shag around despite the promises they've made?

I'm sorry you're going through this op. No matter how little sex you've been having, or why, there's no excuse to deceive the person you publicly promised fidelity to.

👍

I'm sorry, OP, but my first thought is shock that you are looking in his work bag. It sounds like neither of you can trust the other. Maybe some honest conversations are required....

You are making assumptions here with no actual proof. I am on the side of talking to your husband see what he has to say about it. There is normally more than one explanation

Like...?

Not on here he won't be.

That said, it's pretty suspicious to have condoms in your bag if sex is non-existent in your marriage.

'Treestumpp · Yesterday 19:39

I wish more people had your faith. Giving someone the chance to explain isnt the mumsnet sisterhood way.😂'

Women helping women is not something you, a man, can understand. True sisterhood, which sometimes includes unpleasant truths.
Let me explain why action is often necessary before the other person tries to explain away the unexplainable:
The VICTIM is blindsided, distraught and not usually ready to make life changing decisions. They actually want it all to be a mistake.
The culprit , is way ahead, they have known about the situation before it even started.
Quite often the male is the higher earner, and can control through finances, leaving the victim with no financial resources - ie put up and shut up.
Quite often, the culprit will gaslight an already confused and distressed victim. 'My mate put them in my bag'. 'I wanted to see if I could snuff them up my nose...'
He is already lying, why would he start telling the truth?
When we advise act first, talk after, it gives the victim the opportunity to make her decisions without being controlled.
When the victim makes their decision to talk, they need to have levelled the playing field.
That's why we advise 'ducks in a row' first.
I'm sure others will be able to add to this.
Of course the victim wants an explanation, but they want it when they are ready.

I have to say I’m curious to know what sort of other explanation there is for having condoms in your work bag when you don’t use any at home.

I have read only your posts on this and I am very sorry you’ve been unwell. You have obviously been unwell hence lack of sex however as you say, your H has been pulling away from you emotionally when he should have been supporting you. I’m sure he could have been hugging you and showing you love in other ways. You must be beside yourself finding the condoms.
It is probably hard to contain your emotions at this stage. You have a few options which is to investigate further … however think you have found enough. You can start to think about if you could ever get over your H cheating if you confront him and he begs to stay. Or you could confront him and it might be his excuse to leave. Think about your support system if the latter happens - are you healthy enough to cope alone / financially ok?
It might be a good time to just start looking and thinking about things. Do you think your health not being great was a big factor in your marriage strain? If it is, that is pretty shit of him but then I find with the male species , they are intrinsically selfish and usually want to be attended to in the relationship!

22H · Today 04:57

Is goading.

All these men and male apologists, makes my head spin.

22H Go join the 'Surrendered Women' cult. Honestly, you will have much more fun.

Take a photo for evidence. Make plans to leave him: get legal advice and start divorce procedure. Get a test for STIs.

He is having an affair with someone or having casual sex.

As for the people who are suggesting he is not wrong to have sex with other people due to a lack of intimacy, raise your standards!

The decent thing for him to do in this case would have been to try to resolve the lack of sex by communicating and then be honest about the relationship being over if better communication did not achieve anything.

Cheating is never acceptable.

@BettyMs2024 also on a very practical level. You’ve found condoms so if he’s had sex it might have been protected some of the time. So do not sleep with this man. I know it seems ironic as you’ve said sex hasn’t really been happening but think kind of news can make us do things we don’t expect of ourselves in situations like this.

Thanks to each one of you who have understood my situation and provided me with much-needed support and advice.

My point is that even if he is using them to Poshwank that feels like cheating, as I never said no to getting intimate with him—he is the one who started drifting apart!

I have taken the pictures, and in a week or so, I will confront him.

@Begsthequestion @DullFanFiction

The bag was used as an overnight bag years ago, they haven’t been removed since then.

People were giving them out in the street in the way to work he was already holding them when he realised they were condoms. He just shoved them in his bag.

He is a street pastor in his spare time and goes round educating on safe sex.

he is planning a weekend away and was hoping to get lucky.

Or he could be having an affair.

Threads like these always seem to get people jumping to conclusions without talking to the person in question. I would hope that if my partner found something that they didn’t like they would ask me about it before they jump to conclusions.

The bag was used as an overnight bag years ago, they haven’t been removed since then.

People were giving them out in the street in the way to work he was already holding them when he realised they were condoms. He just shoved them in his bag.

He is a street pastor in his spare time and goes round educating on safe sex.

he is planning a weekend away and was hoping to get lucky.

Or he could be having an affair.

Threads like these always seem to get people jumping to conclusions without talking to the person in question. I would hope that if my partner found something that they didn’t like they would ask me about it before they jump to conclusions.

You nuts?

@gardenmusic just giving some other explanations

The pulling away and finding fault over the last year or so - it's a common symptom of an affair. Him collecting 'reasons and justifications' for his behaviour.

Sadly men often react badly to women becoming sick, chronic illnesses, needing care and support etc. The domestic appliance is not working properly, therefore a replacement is required. I've heard nurses get training on dealing with this happening to women in hospital.

Definitely get your financial situation in order - move quickly and get aware if everything.

An appointment with a solicitor to talk through your rights.

Meanwhile, in case they get used, or binned, take a picture of the bag with the condoms and if printed on the pack, the expiry date. 'Oh, they're really old, from back when we used them' could be another tactic.