Found something in Husband's office bag

[BettyMs2024]

Hi ladies, I was shocked to find condoms in my husband's office bag.

For context, we have been having a strained relationship for the past 1.5 years with minimal to no physical contact.

I am unable to process this situation and feel completely lost. Please advise me on what steps I should take. I don't want to ignore this!
I work so hard professionally and on kids front and this is making me feel 😪 I actually don't know what to feel about this!

I think your answer was already there in the lack of intimacy and general unhappiness in the marriage. It’s almost certain he’s sleeping with someone, which indicates he’s not interested in fixing what’s broken at home - or he’s tried and it’s failed? I think you should be getting your ducks in a row and looking at an exit plan.

But how long do you need to resolve? Surely you can't expect someone to wait their entire life out? 1.5 yrs and you no physical contact and now you're surprised he maybe cheating? I mean - is it really that surprising??!?

However, I really wish that this message that lack of sex or physical intimacy is perfectly acceptable in a marriage wasnt so rolled out.

This is harsh, but true. I’ve two friends who were ‘blindsided’ that their DH’s said they wanted to split (had likely met someone else). Turned out they had never had sex in years, but for some reason seem to think this is just normal marriage and fine after some years.

OP, you’ve had great advice in getting your ducks in a row, do that then tell him it’s over.

No sex for 18 months or hardly anything and you are not getting on?

Hardly a surprise. Confront him and ask him to leave.

“However, I really wish that this message that lack of sex or physical intimacy is perfectly acceptable in a marriage wasnt so rolled out. The lack of it has the potential for a huge problems that leaves your relationship vulnerable to ending especially if it's at the decision of one person.

“It is literally one step away from moving your relationship into co parents and roommates who co ordinate on schedules/bills and house organisation.

“The level of acceptance of that on here and then is surprise that one person is going outside the relationship for sex, intimacy and a romantic relationship is pretty naive.

“The only way it's anyway healthy or acceptable is if it's something that is openly discussed, agreed on and both people are happy with it.”

Absolutely this. In a marriage/relationship, you are partners. If you want to change anything you need to discuss it together, and look at the impact it will have on you both. It’s like giving up your job when the family is depending on your wage to help pay the mortgage. Or taking a job elsewhere when the children are settled in school. Or…..any number of things.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex, or kisses, or touch of any kind, nothing at all. But to just decide that from now onwards your partner is celibate? Who are you to decide that? Would you like it if he decided you were all moving to another country? Or that you were all now vegetarian? (I say that as a vegetarian myself, it was my choice and I don’t appreciate people telling me what to eat.) Or that you were going to have another child? Or sex every Sunday and Thursday? Don’t you think these are major decisions that need to be at the very least discussed?

OP you haven't really given enough information for any advice. Why is your relationship strained. Why haven't you had sex in 18 months. Do you still want sex or have you gone off it as a concept regardless of the state of your marriage.

It's perfectly reasonable (obviously) for you to say your husband can't have sex with someone else as you are married. But it's totally unreasonable for you to say he can't have sex with anyone else but can't have sex with you either. Is he expected to go the rest of his life without sex.

So there are only three choices. 1. Fix your relationship and reinstate the intimacy. 2. As that may not be possible as you are past the point of no return then split up. Or 3. Carry on being married but turn a blind eye to him getting it elsewhere as it scratches his itch and saves you the bother. It all comes back to the underlying reasons on what exactly is wrong and whether they are fixable and your desire (or not) to become sexual again

I’d forget about the lack of sex. He gave up any possibility of fixing things, he wasn’t straight with you about splitting up and now what’s done is done - he is having an affair. Time to plan how to get out of the relationship.

As pp said, start snooping, on his phone, computer etc. Any ‘working late’ events? Change in appearance? Secretive with phone etc

Maybe the lack of intimacy is because he’s been looking elsewhere, rather than a marriage problem.

Or tell the lying cheating fecker to leave and file for a divorce, if he admits to an affair. Yes men can live without sex, yes they can play with their own winkle instead,

Sounds like the relationship has been in a stalemate situation with no intimacy or connection for quite some time.It takes two to fix and maybe he has tried, maybe you have who knows. BUT a marriage without sex is a roommate agreement and men usually struggle much more without the intimacy than women.

You say you work hard on the kids front, what have you done towards the relationship and marriage? Without any visibility men can feel they are second best after the children's needs, bottom of the priority pile, and a bit of a meal ticket.

Not saying it right but neither should it have been a surprise.

I have not been keeping well health-wise, and that's one reason for minimal physical contact. In the past year, he has found reasons to be distant from me, picking up on small issues or blaming me. However, this is the first time I have found such things in his bag. I keep looking in his bag now and then for painkillers, etc.

Stop looking in his bag, you've found the condoms, they are not yours, you'll drive yourself mad.

Credit card and debit card statements would tell you everything you need to know about hotel rooms and cash withdrawals. Hard to get access to these as they're on mobile phone and heavily passworded...

Does he stay out late or come home smelling of booze?

I would question who he was with. If he has truly been out with said person(s) there would be back and forth messages on his phone about it. Yes even colleagues he works with. If there isn't...

Just STOP with this. It's NEVER an excuse!

Also, you're victim-blaming, which is the last thing anyone needs who's discovered they've been cheated on.
If you can't offer constructive advice, please don't offer any.

There is no reasonable explanation so you know what's going on. Could you trust him or forgive him for infidelity? It's up to you but I personally would struggle to. It seems like there's been something wrong for a while though. Is there enough to salvage? Maybe a new start would be really good for you.

Thanks so much. That's what I needed from this space—not getting into details.

I am very lost and blank at the moment!

Support and advice are all that I seek. To put the point straight, I have been trying everything I can!! I don't have any family here in the UK, so I thought this group would be a safe space, but I'm being questioned in a way that makes me think I am on the wrong side.

It could well be that an affair came first, which is why he has become distant and nit-picking.
In terms of what you do next, in situations like these, its often wise to act normal and take the opportunity to start digging out financial paperwork, privately seeing a solicitor and thinking about living arrangements. Under no circumstances start degrading yourself by begging him or doing the pick-me dance.

It IS a safe space. Its the Internet though....you can't control who replies. Don't take anything to heart. Just pick through the replies and focus on the ones you find useful. It's not personal. No one knows you and you don't know them. Chin up and start finding your inner strength. Looks like you might need it.

It's true. What's the man meant to do? Paddy has needs.

Well you need to get some time where you won't be interrupted and sit home down and calmly (if you can) ask him what is going on. And ask him to pay the respect of not going through the lie/deny/drip feed stage and just be honest. And then you can decide together what you want to do.

Agree with this.

Tough shit, he gets a divorce if life is so awful for him and apologises for dipping his wick poor lamb.

We're a great group of women who can offer support and advice through this process. Honest!

Unfortunately there are usually a few who enjoy getting the boot in. Ignore them or report, but don't stop posting.

Most of us are sincere and want to help.

I know it will be hard, but if you can hold fire until you have a clearer picture, it'd be advantageous moving forward.

Even if you confront, get ducks in a row right now- you need to know what your finances would look like if you end the marriage. See a solicitor yesterday. Sort out what outcome you want depending on what you find out.

Let your anger be a tool to keep you focused and strong, and under no circumstances let him blame you!
🌹

sometimes on here it’s said that the ‘relationship distance’ / problems coincide with the start of an affair, due to changed attitudes and behaviours of the person having the affair. (Rather than preceding the affair)