Found something in Husband's office bag

[BettyMs2024]

Hi ladies, I was shocked to find condoms in my husband's office bag.

For context, we have been having a strained relationship for the past 1.5 years with minimal to no physical contact.

I am unable to process this situation and feel completely lost. Please advise me on what steps I should take. I don't want to ignore this!
I work so hard professionally and on kids front and this is making me feel 😪 I actually don't know what to feel about this!

@BettyMs2024

What to do now?

First, decide if cheating is an absolute dealbreaker for you. It's easy to say 'absolutely!' until we're stuck in the middle of it. So take a breath and try to really think it through. What you do next will depend on your real feelings.

If you decide it is a dealbreaker, see a solicitor BEFORE you confront him. Find out what divorce may mean for you financially and wrt the children. A solicitor won't be able to say 'this is what will happen to you', but they will be able to discuss things in general. Also, by 'don't have any family in the UK' I'm assuming that you may not be a UK citizen. If this is so, you may want to find out what effect a divorce may have on your legal status, if any. Bottom line, know your position before you tackle the issue with him. Know what's what so he can't bullshit you or threaten you with being left 'penniless', losing the DC, or being kicked out of the country. Men can turn nasty when confronted with cheating and the potential loss of their 'home comforts' or assets. Forewarned is forearmed.

If you decide it is not a dealbreaker and you want to 'save' the marriage, then tell him what you've found and suggest marriage counseling. But (as PP have said) expect him to deny/lie about it. There is also the possibility that he'll take your confronting him as the opening to end the marriage himself. If this happens, see the above paragraph.

What a lot of bollocks.

Mature ADULTS talk to each other.
If sex is such an issue then you separate.

But it’s not because you don’t get sex that you are suddenly entitled to have an affair. Or that it will automatically lead to one.

I hope that you’ve told your partner that this is what you think though. That if your sex life is ever to go down ill, regardless of why, then you’ll have an affair instead. Because he should be made aware of that imo.

@BettyMs2024 I’m sorry. It seems you’ve made the sin to acknowledge sex hasn’t been frequent for more than 1 year so you are now attacked for daring not have sex when you dint want it. Some people seem to think you should have lie there and think of England instead…..
Not helpful to you at all.

As to what to do
1- contact a lawyer and sort out what position you are in financially. Look at whether you could get some support (UC), what maintenance you could get fir the dcs if you have any, docs you need etc etc…
This is about being ready IF you want a divorce

2- is your dh using prostitutes or having an affair a deal breaker for you? Or do you believe you could get over it if your relationship improved (a lot).

If you are never going to forgive him or trust him ever again, then a divorce is the way forward. I’d just tell him what you’ve found and that you want to separate because the trust is broken.
If you believe you could forgive, AND. You also think he’d be happy to make a real effort to save the marriage AND there is something to save (yes that’s a lot of conditions), then I’d tell him what you found and that you’d like to give it another go - under certain conditions (no prostitues or stopping seeing OW, counselling and whatever would allow you to move on).
If not all of those conditions are fulfilled (eg you know he is going to pay lip service to making things better), then my advice is to move on and get divorced.

3- take your time!!
It’s a big thing to come across. Take your time to think about it, get your head around it and have a feel of what your next step will be.
You don’t have to rush.

One thing I’d advise, regardless of the way forward you settle on is to get some counselling. It will very helpful as a support, to feel seen and heard as well as getting your head around what happened, why, your feelings on what’s going on etc…
fwiw seen you’ve said little about what sort of issues you were having, I would stop now the whole ‘it’s all my fault because I didn’t have sex that I didn’t want with him’. It’s not your fault . But more to the point it is an extremely simplistic view of what marriage is about as well as the dynamics at play.
Some people might find it hurtful if they are rejected constantly. But they might need to remember that if they act like arsehole most of the time, it’s no wonder their partner doesnt want sex with them. As they are entitled to!

You need to confront him whilst you have the physical evidence.

I understand that you may want to wait so you can process it first but if he takes the condoms out then he may deny they were ever there or know they’ve been moved and come up with a cover story.

Confront him asap and then take some time to process it.
If needs be then ask him to sleep on the sofa tonight and stay elsewhere from tomorrow.

You don’t need to make any rash decisions but obviously there is no good explanation for this (he will not be holding them for a friend which is probably going to be his first excuse).

Sorry that some people are being so disgusting OP. Whatever the state of your relationship, you don’t deserve to be cheated on. If he was unhappy with the lack of physical contact he could have brought it up in many ways, or left if it was bothering him that much. Cheating isn’t acceptable ever.

Count them, is one missing? If not, put them back and count them in a week and so on.

What planet are you on?
@BettyMs2024 ignore this. It's irrelevant to you.

Lack of sex so frequently comes when children arrive- Not always, but often enough to be predictable.

18 months is a long tome to go without sex in a relationship.

Some women {and men} think their partners will never be unfaithful, but all too often they are.

Especially if a man is married with a house and children- he doesn't want to lose these- so cheats.

It's very common.

{My ex husband cheated}.

Like what?

Please not the ''Posh Wank''.
Or maybe he wanted to put one over his head and blow it up with his nose...What a Jolly Jape!

🏆You get the prize for the best 1950's comment on how to keep a man. Well done.

Like what?

There is no excuse for a partner being unfaithful. None.

Oh, got it. Do you really believe that as a possibility?

This is a separate issue. No relationship problems - including lack of intimacy and sexlessness - excuse or explain cheating, lying and putting your own and your partner's health and wellbeing at risk. This man is a grown adult and a father, he has the ability to make choices - and it looks like he is making some piss-poor ones.

Unless he wants a confrontation...🤔

Yes. You just need to sit down and say ‘we have a problem.’ Don’t open with a question.

At work none the less...sure

Gives them the opportunity to gaslight.

@pocketaces

It's perfectly reasonable (obviously) for you to say your husband can't have sex with someone else as you are married. But it's totally unreasonable for you to say he can't have sex with anyone else but can't have sex with you either. Is he expected to go the rest of his life without sex.

No it's not unreasonable.
Sometimes people don't want sex with their partner because their partner is being horrible. By your logic those people should be allowed to seek sex outside of the marriage then, that's like rewarding bad behaviour.

If he wants to have sex with other people he should have ended the marriage.

Said it for me

Sounds like he wanted you to know, it’s too stupid a mistake to make just leaving them in there.