Verbal aggression in bed

[Danceathon]

I’ve been seeing a man for a couple of months. He’s my first since my divorce, and the first new man I’ve slept with in over 15 years. He seems lovely. There have been no issues at all. He’s kind, gentle, has a good job and seemingly nice friends (I met three of them, once). A stable life, and he’s not once caused me to feel uncomfortable. Except…

When we are in bed (which; to be fair, has only happened three times) he says things that I find slightly off putting. I am inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with different men. He’s only the 4th I’ve slept with, and the two prior to my ex DH were both when I was 19. None of the others did this.

The sex itself is lovely. He never does anything I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m sure that if I ever told him to stop doing something he would immediately. So it’s not that. But as he gets more excited he says things like ‘dirty bitch’, and uses the C-word. This is completely out of character, and then afterwards he is back to normal again.

I know that in that moment you can lose yourself a bit. And I’m glad he is as aroused as he clearly is. But I just wonder if this is typical or whether it’s a bit of a red flag. I don’t want to make him feel self conscious, so haven’t said anything. I’m sure that when he’s not fifteen seconds from the end of sex he’d not say things like that. Maybe it’s worse because I myself am quite quiet even when I’m very excited. Any thoughts?

Get rid of him he sounds awful. I couldn’t be spoke to like that even the heat of the moment.

Pick a neutral time and just let him know that you like the sex but not language, some people do, maybe a previous partner of his liked it

Have the conversation first and as soon as you can, if he doesn’t take your feelings on board and stop, move on. It’s deeply misogynistic language and no one should be subjected to that without explicit agreement

I gently told a previous BF that I was not a fan of using the F word and swearing in general, does nothing for me. I'm reasonably experienced, never been called a 'dirty bitch' though in the moment, thank God, would put me right off.
Have a quiet word with him out of the bedroom, just let him know it's not your thing and see if he stops doing it. If he doesn't, we'll, that would give me the ick tbh.

Porn sick. There's a lot of them. Either ditch or think of something equally insulting to say next time you have sex. 'Mummy's boy' comes to mind, or 'ugly old pervert'. See how he likes it.

Erm he should have asked you before if you're into that sort of thing, calling you a dirty bitch and saying cunt is quite a lot to just come out with. If you don't like it tell him now and put a stop to it. If he won't then ditch him

Talk to him about it and tell him you don't like it. If he stops, great, if he doesn't, dump him.

I had a girlfriend when I was younger for about a year, who liked dirty talk, and I suppose being degraded a bit. She'd ask me stuff like "Am I a slut, tell me I'm your filthy slut" and keep on until I'd reply. It didn't really much for me, but she enjoyed it so I went with it. These days I'd probably see it was a sign we were incompatible and end it.

Anyway, we eventually split up and a few months later I found a new girlfriend. 4th or 5th time in bed and out of habit I called her a "filthy slut". I immediately realised what I'd said and was about to apologise when I got a "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!"

Definite mood killer, but lead to a long, good conversation about likes, dislikes, red lines etc. We're still together 17 years later.

People bring all kinds of baggage from previous relationships, including techniques and habits with sex. Half the fun of a new partner is unlearning what you already know and learning something new. But it requires communication, and clearly defining your own boundaries. Talk to him about it, outside of the bedroom, and tell him you don't like it. How he reacts to that information will tell you a lot about him.

Of course he could just be getting it from porn.

“I’ve really been having fun and have really been enjoying the sex. However, I don’t feel respected as an equal when I’m being called a dirty bitch or having my body parts described as a ‘cunt’. It makes me feel (insert word here….for me personally, it would be ‘like I’m being treated like a sex worker’).”

I know some people like it, so I won’t “yuck” their “yum”. The bottom line is that you don’t like being spoken to in this derogatory manner (and I wouldn’t either—I find it incredibly misogynistic, abusive, and insulting), so you shouldn’t have to put up with it.

You don't like it, if he's a nice guy you can and should tell him.

Sounds to me like he has watched too much porn.

I'd find that kind of language a real turn off, massively disrespectful and that he's treating me like a prostitute.

Some people are into it, some people aren’t. I’m not for the record but used to date someone who was and we had to have a talk about it. This guy was an ex-sailor and after months stuck at sea watching porn with nothing to do, when he was on dry land it became part of his sex ritual, for want of a better term.

I wasn’t offended, just it found it very cringey. In the end it wasn’t a hard (pun not intended) conversation because you have to have that chat if you want the relationship to last and so need to find a way where intimacy works for both of you. If I hadn’t liked him so much I would have just called it a day on the grounds of incompatibility.

Maybe he’s just been used to it in a previous relationship and / or thinks it’s a turn on.

Have a chat to him, even if it’s his preference you should be able to find a middle ground.

Tell him you don't like it. If he still does it, tell him to do one.

There's dirty talk and then there's being called a c word! Yes it's weird what can be acceptable in that pleasurable window that would be cringe any other time, but the c word.. hell no.
If he's otherwise great then just tell him.

I don't think ti's is a big deal. Just tell him you don't like it. If he persists then it would be a big deal

That would be a deal breaker for me. I won't tolerate that language directed at me, during sex or otherwise.

This.

Tell him to pack it in because you find it degrading.

If he keeps it up get rid of him.

My DW likes me to talk dirty too. I'd never call her a Bitch or Cunt though, I personally hate those two words. Best thing you can do is have a gentle chat with him. Tell him what you do like, what turns you on and what doesn't (i.e. the name calling).

Porn. Any man who does that without consulting you first isn't nice. Why would he assume any woman wants to be spoken to like that? Gross.

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, he doesn’t refer to me as a c-word. He’s referring to my bits!
But yes, i need to mention it, don’t I? It’s such a strange one because he’s actually lovely and gentle in bed right up until near the end.

Slightly better, but still grim.

Never heard of the c word being used in this way. In what context? 'I want to touch your c*' ?! So grim

Unless your "bits" are detachable, he is in fact, referring to you.

Just tell him you don't like it.

If he stops and everything else is good then result.

If he chooses to continue to do it after you've said you don't like it then there's an issue.

He may have mistaken your lack of protest as enthusiasm.

Once he knows you aren't into it, his future behaviour is the test.

But yes, i need to mention it, don’t

Of course you need to mention it.