Verbal aggression in bed

[Danceathon]

I’ve been seeing a man for a couple of months. He’s my first since my divorce, and the first new man I’ve slept with in over 15 years. He seems lovely. There have been no issues at all. He’s kind, gentle, has a good job and seemingly nice friends (I met three of them, once). A stable life, and he’s not once caused me to feel uncomfortable. Except…

When we are in bed (which; to be fair, has only happened three times) he says things that I find slightly off putting. I am inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with different men. He’s only the 4th I’ve slept with, and the two prior to my ex DH were both when I was 19. None of the others did this.

The sex itself is lovely. He never does anything I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m sure that if I ever told him to stop doing something he would immediately. So it’s not that. But as he gets more excited he says things like ‘dirty bitch’, and uses the C-word. This is completely out of character, and then afterwards he is back to normal again.

I know that in that moment you can lose yourself a bit. And I’m glad he is as aroused as he clearly is. But I just wonder if this is typical or whether it’s a bit of a red flag. I don’t want to make him feel self conscious, so haven’t said anything. I’m sure that when he’s not fifteen seconds from the end of sex he’d not say things like that. Maybe it’s worse because I myself am quite quiet even when I’m very excited. Any thoughts?

Thats all she needed, not the accusations that he's a predator who should be hung drawn and quartered. I almost think she should try giving it back and see how he likes it. Then make a joke of it and move on.

When you tell him how you feel that will tell you all you need to know.

If a man did that to me, my fanjo would possibly snap shut so fast it would forcefully eject his dick.

Huge turn off

You need to ask someone if they're into stuff like that before you do it.

And the attitude behind it ..... Mmm, no.

I don't know why pretty much everyone's encouraging op to talk to him and keep seeing him .... No-one well adjusted would do this without establishing it was ok/their sexual partner enjoyed it first.

He's not well adjusted, no matter how he otherwise seems.

I bet there will be more off shit in future if the op keeps seeing him.

I was called the whore of Babylon once! long time ago, at a crucial moment,
ruined my concentration.
the thing is… if you draw his attention to this as people advise, if he nods,
says he understnds, next time you will be tense, wondering if he will forget,
but he will be careful not to.
However, the time after that, a week later when he has forgotten your wishes
and been watching porn … he isn’t that lovely is he?

Depends on which way you sleep.

It's not more like ear licking because that isn't something that is likely to make someone upset or feel uncomfortable beyond the initial sensation.

And I say that as someone who doesn't like ear licking or nibbling. I'd just say I didn't like it and that would be that.

That's entirely different than a man using degrading talk without knowing if the woman is ok with it. For some women they'd be very upset and uncomfortable afterwards and it would ruin the whole experience like with throat grabbing if the woman wasn't ok with it.

I'd be into that myself but if he did it without knowing I was ok with it I would be massively turned off him and wonder how many women he had made uncomfortable by doing that without checking that it was ok and had he traumatised any women or triggered any past trauma in them by doing it.

Some women like that and some don’t. Let him know x

I would just ask.him not to say it. I used to call my partner a ba×××rd when we were having sex. It made him.laff. I have no.idea where it came from 🙄

I wasn ‘t sure if I should be flattered at my supposed prowess
or boot him out of the bed lol
he was foreign after all

People are so weird

OP - Just have a chat with him, and tell him that you arent comfortable with the words he uses and also remind him of all the good things you like about him

IF he keeps doing it, then you will have to think if you are compatible but at the moment it does not show red flags to me

Why does she have to remind him of all the things she likes about him?
To soften the blow or something?

Men should know that not all women like that and they shouldn't be treated like kids when they are being made aware of that.

The OP's post is very similar to my own experience. On the first occasion I slept with my new partner he put his hand around my neck, slapped me (not hard), tried putting his finger up my bum (I stopped him) and wanted me to respond to him saying crass things about how he was 'fucking me'. This all suggested he was a man who'd been single for a long time and expected sex with a real woman to mirror porn. I'd never experienced this with any other partner, much less one I was sleeping with for the first time.

Similar stuff happened the second time, so I jokingly suggested he'd been watching too much porn. He denied it, but he's not done these things again. When he asked if I wanted him to fuck me, I said I'd rather he put it a different way as I didn't like that.

He still thinks I'm abnormal because I need clitoral stimulation and can't orgasm through penetration alone. I guess we have to be brave enough to teach men about how we want to be treated in bed. Our pleasure is just as relevant as theirs and if they care, what we say should be important to them.

He still thinks I'm abnormal because I need clitoral stimulation and can't orgasm through penetration alone

Why are you with someone so dumb and delusional?

If he reads one credible article, he'll see it's 75 - 80% who can't climax without clitoral stimulation.

Can he not read?

Also : The OP's post is very similar to my own experience. On the first occasion I slept with my new partner he put his hand around my neck, slapped me (not hard), tried putting his finger up my bum (I stopped him) and wanted me to respond to him saying crass things about how he was 'fucking me'.

This is absolutely terrifying. Why would someone put their hands around a woman’s neck and slap them without asking first? Or go for the bum hole which can easily be massively painful?

No I can’t just blame porn. Men like this need to take accountability for being so vile in not seeking consent first. There would not be a second time with a man if he did this to me. A sensible decent man would’ve had a chat about the kind of sex he was into first. He must know some women are only into “vanilla” or whatever they want to call non-porn sick sex. I can’t believe any man is that clueless they think every woman is okay with anal and being slapped.

I had an ex who was like that. He became an ex because he wouldn't/couldn't stop doing it. In fact he couldn't really climax without doing it and I found it so incredibly off putting that the sex was shit and not worth it.

So many women in the moment freeze and let their partner do things they never would have consented to, had they had time to process it.

It literally leaves trauma in women. This is why consent is so important, especially with a new partner or if you decide to try new things that you can reasonably guess your partner might possibly not be into.

A guy once asked if he could pee on me. He was generally a complete asshole and I said no and stopped seeing him shortly after, but at least he had the sense to ask.

Yes. Whilst in the middle of (otherwise loving) sex with an ex, he suddenly put his hand around my neck without warning. He didn't tighten it or anything, just kept it there, but I froze in terror. I was unable to tell him to take his arm away. I just kept thinking that if he chose to tighten his hand I'd be dead and there was nothing I could do.

I never did feel able to mention it, but strangely he never did it again. Perhaps he sensed that I hadn't liked it. In the end we broke up anyway.

Sometimes it's impossible to say anything in the moment due to fear, shock, trauma. That's why men who care about their partners need to be on the alert for anything that could be triggering or simply something a partner is not happy with.

I've said this on Mumsnet before but it's worth repeating I once dumped a man who started off great first couple of shags then started cheering himself on and finally starting shouting "I'm the Guvnor Who am I? IM THE GUVNOR" pretty sure he wanted me to join in tbh.

The point is if a man does something you don't like during sex it's OK to tell them there and then. It's OK to discuss it after and ask them not to do it again but ask yourself what's your desired outcome? Do you want him to stop doing something he likes that you don't (obviously this is not about anal, throttling or major no go's). Personally Guvnor guy was never getting in my knickers again so why tell him to stop doing something someone else might be fine with. I say move on from Mr Potty mouth there's plenty of more compatible men for you out there.

That sounds really frightening. Yeah it’s like the whole fight, freeze or fawn thing. Very often we freeze or fawn and can’t quite find the words in the moment.

That's why men who care about their partners need to be on the alert for anything that could be triggering or simply something a partner is not happy with.

So true. They can’t just think well she’s naked in my bed so she MUST be up for every single sex act I want.

Love your username btw @alittlehopeisadangerousthing

Yes exactly. It was the freeze response.

Men have to always ask and never assume.

Thanks, yeah, my username sums up my experience!

🤮 that would put me right off

Swear back? Say wow what a great prick?

I'm sorry @jubs15 but why are you still with this "man"?