Verbal aggression in bed

[Danceathon]

I’ve been seeing a man for a couple of months. He’s my first since my divorce, and the first new man I’ve slept with in over 15 years. He seems lovely. There have been no issues at all. He’s kind, gentle, has a good job and seemingly nice friends (I met three of them, once). A stable life, and he’s not once caused me to feel uncomfortable. Except…

When we are in bed (which; to be fair, has only happened three times) he says things that I find slightly off putting. I am inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with different men. He’s only the 4th I’ve slept with, and the two prior to my ex DH were both when I was 19. None of the others did this.

The sex itself is lovely. He never does anything I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m sure that if I ever told him to stop doing something he would immediately. So it’s not that. But as he gets more excited he says things like ‘dirty bitch’, and uses the C-word. This is completely out of character, and then afterwards he is back to normal again.

I know that in that moment you can lose yourself a bit. And I’m glad he is as aroused as he clearly is. But I just wonder if this is typical or whether it’s a bit of a red flag. I don’t want to make him feel self conscious, so haven’t said anything. I’m sure that when he’s not fifteen seconds from the end of sex he’d not say things like that. Maybe it’s worse because I myself am quite quiet even when I’m very excited. Any thoughts?

I've had a fair few partners and can say that I've never been called names whilst having sex.

Sounds like you've decided on a sensible approach and to discuss it with him. His reaction and then subsequent actions will tell you a lot about him as a person.

Whether it's in the moment or not, there is something deeply fucked about someone who thinks it's OK to call a woman (or indeed any person) these insults.

Totally agree with you, @Didimum. It's unbelievable that this is mainstream now.

My main worry for my daughter is regarding choking. How the hell did that become acceptable? I would think someone was going to murder me.

Nothing wrong if both parties consent. Consent is the issue here.

As I said, deeply fucked. For him not to ask her and especially deeply fucked for him to do this to her during their very early sexual encounters.

He sounds exactly like my ex. He was a lovely, kind, caring man and was so sweet and gentle but in bed he would be very derogatory as he was about to climax. I found this very off-putting and asked him once what was going on and why he did it, things soon petered out and we broke up. I still have no idea what was going on with him.

Just by way of update, we had a conversation last night. I told him that I thought what he was saying was inappropriate and that I didn’t like being called those names or his use of the c-word. He apologised. Later on we did have sex, and he didn’t use those words when he was coming. So fingers crossed we have sorted it. Time will tell I suppose. Thanks everyone.

There you go, I hope that's sorted it out and you have a great future together!

Communication is key!

I see his actions as more akin to licking my ear than, say, putting his hands on my throat.

I disagree. Verbally denigrating you is not the same as misjudging where and how you like to be touched. It's deeply misogynistic and insulting.

Hahahaha

It's a red flag in neon. He's a misogynist who watches a ton of aggressive porn. Next he'll be manipulating you into accepting choking or some other godawful shit. He hasn't done it yet, because he's not sure how far he can go. The verbal abuse is his way of pushing the boundaries so he can do even worse things.
Run!

I doubt it, love. He'll go back to it. He has an abusive paraphilia. That's not cured by conversations and agreements. Eventually he'll find somebody else who will let him do that.

100%. Guaranteed pornsick.

There's dirty talk and there's verbal abuse. This is the latter.

This. She's not going to listen, obviously. She likes the guy so she's excusing it. He will eventually do it again, once he figures out she's firmly on the hook and won't dump him.

Good grief. What's he got that you're willing to put up with that? He sounds like a total asshole and an ignoramus about sex. He also lied to you about porn. He watches it. A lot.

Yes, there are a lot of them, and they aren't suitable as partners.

People on this, and other threads make so many assumptions and jump to the assumed worst case scenario so quickly, it’s depressing. She’s spoken to him, he’s apologised and said it won’t happen again. Hopefully it doesn’t, and a happy relationship can flourish. if it happens again, or other signs of mysogony start to show, then ok, he’s not respected a boundary and a line can be drawn on the relationship. But there’s nothing wrong with a bit of cautious positivity and giving things a chance before jumping to the worst case scenario. Yeah maybe a lot of men using that kind of language are wronguns, but maybe not all and he’ll learn and grow from the adult approach that OP has taken and discussing it.

Got to agree. He's been told and if he does it again then thats the red flag.

No matter how uncomfortable it makes posters on here or how much they disapprove, some women do like kinky sex, and doing things outside of the very very vanilla. Maybe his last girlfriend enjoyed it and asked him to do it, so he’s tried it out on OP. Maybe it is him who likes it. I agree with PP, he’s been asked to stop and if he does then there’s no issue. If he doesn’t then it’s red flaggy. But I’m becoming a bit depressed by the dogmatic view of the world many posters have where relationships and sex can’t be anything other than extremely mild and vanilla.

I like kinky sex, I still think that men need to make sure a woman is into it first. These are grown adult men, they are aware that they should get consent, no excuses.

The fact that an ex liked something doesn't mean that they should assume consent for that act with a new partner.

I think it's far more depressing that women seem to think there's no harm done for men to try something without asking and that the onus is on the woman to tell him she doesn't like it most likely while he's actually doing it or after it's over.
Bit late for some seeing as they'll be upset or traumatised after it.

I wouldn't go and stick a finger into a partners asshole just because a previous partner might have liked it.

ASK FIRST and then there's no issue, be as kinky as your partner allows!!

No one is saying that.

I like dirty talk.
I still wouldn't be OK with unsolicited dirty talk the first time we had sex.

It's something you have a conversation about first.

It's not about 'vanilla' vs 'spicy'
It's about consent.

People shouldn't infantilize grown adult men.

They're not stupid and they know that not all women like the same things. He took a risk that could have made her upset or uncomfortable, luckily in this case there doesn't seem to have been any harm done so far, but that might have been different with another woman.

That IS a red flag even if in this case the outcome was fine.

Is this the message that people are giving their sons? If you have a girl in bed it's ok to go ahead and do what you want as long as you don't do it again if they tell you they don't like it? Or to their daughters....it's fine that he didn't check that you liked something as long as he doesn't do it the next time?

Even if you don't want to put it down as a behavioural red flag it's certainly an emotional intelligence red flag so either way it IS a red flag.

I think it's grim OP and i'd have run a mile. What must be wrong with someone to think that that is a good way to act the first time you have sex with a woman?

Jesus Christ they weren't wrong when the said romance is dead. When did expectations get so low?

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, he doesn’t refer to me as a c-word. He’s referring to my bits!
But yes, i need to mention it, don’t I? It’s such a strange one because he’s actually lovely and gentle in bed right up until near the end when his true personality comes out.

He wants to be doing this OP, he's done it since the first time you had sex without even asking if it's ok or if you like it.