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Original poster

Verbal aggression in bed

190 replies

Danceathon · 15/06/2024 08:37

I’ve been seeing a man for a couple of months. He’s my first since my divorce, and the first new man I’ve slept with in over 15 years. He seems lovely. There have been no issues at all. He’s kind, gentle, has a good job and seemingly nice friends (I met three of them, once). A stable life, and he’s not once caused me to feel uncomfortable. Except…

When we are in bed (which; to be fair, has only happened three times) he says things that I find slightly off putting. I am inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with different men. He’s only the 4th I’ve slept with, and the two prior to my ex DH were both when I was 19. None of the others did this.

The sex itself is lovely. He never does anything I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m sure that if I ever told him to stop doing something he would immediately. So it’s not that. But as he gets more excited he says things like ‘dirty bitch’, and uses the C-word. This is completely out of character, and then afterwards he is back to normal again.

I know that in that moment you can lose yourself a bit. And I’m glad he is as aroused as he clearly is. But I just wonder if this is typical or whether it’s a bit of a red flag. I don’t want to make him feel self conscious, so haven’t said anything. I’m sure that when he’s not fifteen seconds from the end of sex he’d not say things like that. Maybe it’s worse because I myself am quite quiet even when I’m very excited. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Desertislandparadise · 15/06/2024 11:25

Danceathon · 15/06/2024 08:37

I’ve been seeing a man for a couple of months. He’s my first since my divorce, and the first new man I’ve slept with in over 15 years. He seems lovely. There have been no issues at all. He’s kind, gentle, has a good job and seemingly nice friends (I met three of them, once). A stable life, and he’s not once caused me to feel uncomfortable. Except…

When we are in bed (which; to be fair, has only happened three times) he says things that I find slightly off putting. I am inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with different men. He’s only the 4th I’ve slept with, and the two prior to my ex DH were both when I was 19. None of the others did this.

The sex itself is lovely. He never does anything I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m sure that if I ever told him to stop doing something he would immediately. So it’s not that. But as he gets more excited he says things like ‘dirty bitch’, and uses the C-word. This is completely out of character, and then afterwards he is back to normal again.

I know that in that moment you can lose yourself a bit. And I’m glad he is as aroused as he clearly is. But I just wonder if this is typical or whether it’s a bit of a red flag. I don’t want to make him feel self conscious, so haven’t said anything. I’m sure that when he’s not fifteen seconds from the end of sex he’d not say things like that. Maybe it’s worse because I myself am quite quiet even when I’m very excited. Any thoughts?

Yeah, don't put up with this. Talk to him and if that doesn't work, move on with your life

HolyMoly24 · 15/06/2024 11:40

I wouldn't say it's a red flag in the context that he seems like a nice guy in every other way. A lot of people are into this kind of talk, influenced by porn most likely.

Just tell him you're not into it and maybe elaborate on what you do like instead.

It could be a deal breaker though if that's what he's really into. Maybe you aren't sexually compatible.

Sorenips11 · 15/06/2024 11:54

He's an idiot.

I'm into dirty talk, rough sex and bdsm. Anyone experienced in this area will tell you that you NEVER do it without a conversation first. Find out what the other person is into, find out limits and boundaries and most importantly, get consent. Being close to orgasm and 'in the zone' is not an excuse, if you shoved a thumb up his bum at that moment I'm pretty sure he'd notice! He knows full well what he's doing, he's relying on you being polite and submissive to not ask him wtf he thinks he's doing.

kalokagathos · 15/06/2024 12:01

Runsyd · 15/06/2024 09:28

Porn sick. There's a lot of them. Either ditch or think of something equally insulting to say next time you have sex. 'Mummy's boy' comes to mind, or 'ugly old pervert'. See how he likes it.

Haha ! Love it!

MILTOBE · 15/06/2024 12:05

That would put me off so much I'm not sure I'd even bother having the conversation.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/06/2024 12:12

We talk dirty during sex but not name calling, more how we refer to the act itself, and the parts involved. Just be honest with him, tell him what you're happy with and what you're not, if he's a decent bloke he'll understand

ProjectEdensGate · 15/06/2024 12:15

If it makes you uncomfortable/you don't like it then speak to him about it out of the bedroom.

AnotherPoxyName · 15/06/2024 12:35

I wouldn’t like it either and regardless of what he likes, and others opinions, if you don’t like it then you need to discuss it.

perfectcolourfound · 15/06/2024 12:44

Eugh! That's really grim. Probably related to porn, certainly related to objectifying women.

It's worrying that you're hisitating to tell him. Can you see the disparity? He's quite happy to refer to you in disgusting terms, but you're nervous of telling him you don't want to be referred to that way.

How come he's happy to insult you but you don't want to upset him?

If you think he's otherwise great, then you have to talk to him. And don't hold anything back. Tell him you don't like it, it's a turn off, you don't want to be with someone who looks at you and talks about you that way. It's the opposite of sexy.

If he is mortified at himself, apologises and never does it again - great. If he defends himself / does it again, then obviously you know he isn't right for you.

londonloves · 15/06/2024 12:47

To be honest I quite like this sort of thing in the right context but I totally get that most women don't. If everything else is good, I would speak to him about it at a neutral time and say that you don't like it. If he doesn't respect that then that's a red flag. I don't think in and of itself it is a red flag as some women do like it.

Catopia · 15/06/2024 13:11

I would stop when he does that and say "that's not sexy, it's rude disrespectful." If you continue you enable it and continue he thinks you like it.

If he does it again after a clear warning, just put him in the bin: if he cannot respect your boundaries and makes you uncomfortable at this stage there's no point continuing with the relationship.

Jessica3075 · 15/06/2024 13:18

I don’t mean to pry or “out” in any way but, is he much older than you? I had a relationship years ago with a man who was much (much) older. He was lovely but… similarly, he was quite explicit in terms of sex terminology. He was a medic by profession but I found it really off putting. It might be an age difference thing?

Anything in the sexual part of a relationship needs to be mentioned (at least) and consented to. You know that, of course.

Startingagainandagain · 15/06/2024 13:22

You are not enjoying it so you are perfectly right not to feel happy with it.

I would end it I must say, because I would be worried that this might be a start of him slowly pushing your boundaries and moving from aggressive talk to 'rough sex' and I would not want to take the risk.

It is a red flag for me that he just started doing this without even checking with you first that you were comfortable with it and enjoyed it.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 15/06/2024 13:22

Sorenips11 · 15/06/2024 11:54

He's an idiot.

I'm into dirty talk, rough sex and bdsm. Anyone experienced in this area will tell you that you NEVER do it without a conversation first. Find out what the other person is into, find out limits and boundaries and most importantly, get consent. Being close to orgasm and 'in the zone' is not an excuse, if you shoved a thumb up his bum at that moment I'm pretty sure he'd notice! He knows full well what he's doing, he's relying on you being polite and submissive to not ask him wtf he thinks he's doing.

Exactly this. The words themselves aren't a problem as some people are into them but it's a HUGE red flag that he's been using them without discussing this with you first. I would be careful about this one, Lovely as he may seem

crackofdoom · 15/06/2024 13:26

See, I prefer a cunt to be called a cunt. I've been known to request that my partners call it that rather than pussy, which is a twee, cringey term IMO. Or vagina, which is a tad clinical in the moment.

So, I don't think it's wrong per se to use that term. But if it's a turn off for you, use your words and tell him so. Obviously if he continues he's not centring your desires and boundaries, so off to the discard pile with him.

Seaoftroubles · 15/06/2024 13:45

OP, if you're uncomfortable with it tell him. Just say you don't like it and it spoils sex for you as everything else is good.
As @crackofdoom says use your words! He won't know otherwise and you won't have given him a chance to change.

SillyLemonZebra · 15/06/2024 14:05

Runsyd · 15/06/2024 09:28

Porn sick. There's a lot of them. Either ditch or think of something equally insulting to say next time you have sex. 'Mummy's boy' comes to mind, or 'ugly old pervert'. See how he likes it.

This has changed my whole outlook on life. Best comment ever.

HebburnPokemon · 15/06/2024 14:15

This would give me the ick immediately. I wouldn’t even be able to finish the sex.

HebburnPokemon · 15/06/2024 14:21

Runsyd · 15/06/2024 09:28

Porn sick. There's a lot of them. Either ditch or think of something equally insulting to say next time you have sex. 'Mummy's boy' comes to mind, or 'ugly old pervert'. See how he likes it.

This is genius

LakeTiticaca · 15/06/2024 14:21

Some people like dirty talk. Others don't. Just have a conversation with him about it

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/06/2024 14:23

I'd tell him, at a completely non sexual time, that you don't like the language he is using.

TammyOne · 15/06/2024 14:25

Just knee him in the balls and tell
him to knock it off!
Seriously-how can women be so timid they can accept a man being literally inside them but not be able to speak up about what is acceptable (and not!)
It baffles me.

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 14:47

OK so no... dirty talk is something that you discuss before hand. And you don't include it early on in sexual relationship. It's something that comes about when the trust is well formed and you know they are respectful in the bedroom.

So unfortunayl this is very worrying.

It worries me even more that he devalues you around the moment of his climax.

There's a thing called 'riding the bronco' which is when a guy calls you by another woman's name in order to get you to react dating sex and essentially throw them off, for their sex pleasure. To me this has those vibes.

Only...worse because its devaluing you. Basically making sure that you don't want to be having sex with them at the point where they climax.

I wouldn't consent to sex with someone if I knew they were going to call me horrible names during it. You didn't consent to it either.

He's a creep. Sorry.

Yes you could say you don't like it but - fucking duh! No one likes that without at least a asked if they are into it first.

You shouldn't need to explain how consent works. Or that your not ok with something no one is OK with (without discussion). He's a wrong un unfortunately.

Anonymouslyposting · 15/06/2024 14:51

I don’t mind a bit of name calling in the bedroom (though I wouldn’t be keen on those phrases), and a lot of other people like it. He may think you would like it to.

Tell him you don’t, if he’s a good, respectful man he will stop and problem solved. If he doesn’t stop then he’s a dick and you should ditch him.

So many dramas seem to be created by people just not saying they do or don’t like something. Communication fixes most things, or at least gives you a clear answer if they aren’t fixable.

Choochoo21 · 15/06/2024 14:55

It’s not a red flag in itself.
Its likely that his ex enjoyed this sort of talk.

Just speak to him about it and if he doesn’t change then it would be a red flag.