Verbal aggression in bed

[Danceathon]

I’ve been seeing a man for a couple of months. He’s my first since my divorce, and the first new man I’ve slept with in over 15 years. He seems lovely. There have been no issues at all. He’s kind, gentle, has a good job and seemingly nice friends (I met three of them, once). A stable life, and he’s not once caused me to feel uncomfortable. Except…

When we are in bed (which; to be fair, has only happened three times) he says things that I find slightly off putting. I am inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with different men. He’s only the 4th I’ve slept with, and the two prior to my ex DH were both when I was 19. None of the others did this.

The sex itself is lovely. He never does anything I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m sure that if I ever told him to stop doing something he would immediately. So it’s not that. But as he gets more excited he says things like ‘dirty bitch’, and uses the C-word. This is completely out of character, and then afterwards he is back to normal again.

I know that in that moment you can lose yourself a bit. And I’m glad he is as aroused as he clearly is. But I just wonder if this is typical or whether it’s a bit of a red flag. I don’t want to make him feel self conscious, so haven’t said anything. I’m sure that when he’s not fifteen seconds from the end of sex he’d not say things like that. Maybe it’s worse because I myself am quite quiet even when I’m very excited. Any thoughts?

Yeah me too

It’s v often indicative of a streak in him somewhere

Much like the OP, he's affectionate and caring outside of sex itself. He's definitely got less pornified in the bedroom, but it's a shame I needed to mention anything and worse that he felt I would be OK with it without even asking.

I known others won't agree, but I think there are a lot of men who've grown up with the internet at their fingertips who believe that what they see in porn is what they should expect in real life.

You need to leave this man!!

I couldn't go out with a man who was that stupid though.. He has the Internet so instead of jacking off to hardcore porn all day he could actually try educating himself about real sex

And?

@jubs15 you deserve better than that.

OP, calling your sexual organ 'cunt' wouldn't bother me at all, as long as it is said with appreciation. Cunt, to me is an honourable word that has been misused as an insult. There's actually a whole book called 'cunt' written by a wonderful feminist, Betty Dodson, reclaiming the word.

However, calling you a dirty bitch would deeply worry me. It is absolutely degrading, and while a small minority of women enjoy it, it's a very specialist taste, and a man saying it without checking or getting an indication from you that that's your thing, would suggest to me that he himself has quite degrading fantasies about his sexual treatment of women and how he sees women.

I am extremely sexually liberated - get up to all sorts, wide range of kinks etc, so am not easily shockable- but this one, I'm actually surprised so few people are saying to just leave.

I think if you do talk to him, you want to not just say it's not your thing, but first explore where that came from and what turns him on about saying that,,.. ,this may be the tip of the iceberg into some pretty misogynistic stuff. Getting him to talk before you rule it out will give you a better chance of an honest indication of what's behind it. If you just say you don't like it, he'll probably agree and not do it for a while, but other things/attitudes/attempts to push your sex life into a different dynamic may happen over time and feel harder to then extract yourself from.

And of course his use of the word 'cunt' may be far less enlightened than Betty Dodson's, and if you don't like that either, then it's a no no!

Humiliation fetish.. He is testing your boundaries- it will escalate

there are a lot of men who've grown up with the internet at their fingertips who believe that what they see in porn is what they should expect in real life.

I don't actually think any truly sane, well adjusted people ...think porn is equivalent to real life (specifically that porn sex is in any way equivalent to real sex).

Does that really need explained to anyone well adjusted? I don't believe so.

The slightest disrespect towards my body, my body parts ..... And implying that I'm "dirty" if I have sex or enjoy sex ....... Would turn me off big time.

I'm not referring disrespectfully to my partner's body parts and I'm not calling him a filthy bastard cause we're having sex so ....

Let's just get this clear

• any man who tries to make you feel abnormal for requiring Clitoral stimulation in sex - is a liar and a gaslighter.

It is textbook abuse.
They are not stupid.
They know its perfectly normal to require this.

So why would they lie?
Either to majd you accept sex on their terms and totally disregard your pleasure. Or, to make you feel abnormal. Both of these things are 'Ruuuuuun!' Territory.

Get the fuck out of that relationship pronto.
Because if you don't, it's not the last time they will lie to and gaslight you. And they will make it their mission to make you feel abnormal/weird/crazy/wong/not 'enough'. Because they have already started.

It's not your job to teach him that women aren't men. There's no teaching men who do not care about your pleasure. You can't teach empathy or respect or human decency. He just doesn't have it.

Yeah, I know you're right. He spends all his free time watching a screen and I genuinely don't think he's that experienced with actual relationships. I told him that most nerve endings in the vagina are in the first third or so. He looked at me as if I was nuts and said nobody had ever told him they feel nothing from penetration before me. That wasn't what I said! I pointed out how I cannot feel a tampon when it's inside me! Maybe I'm fooling myself, but he seems to lack basic knowledge of how women's bodies work.

It's just 'sex talk'. You excite him..he wants to think of you as his whore fantasy...🫂
I would keep enjoying great sex and ask him if he wants you to say anything..

🙄🙄🙄

You're not fooling yourself @jubs15 .

You saying how you can't feel a tampon once in is very helpful. Seems so obvious when I read it but I hadn't thought about that in relation to sex.

Please seriously think about this relationship as it is not a good one imo. Sorry.

He looked at me as if I was nuts and said nobody had ever told him they feel nothing from penetration before me. That wasn't what I said!

As per the "you're extremely unusual not to climax from only penetrative sex" .... He sounds really rather stupid.

And also like he'll just keep on believing stuff he thinks (not from real life/sex) no matter what a real woman tells him.

That's not good partner or sexual partner material.

This is so spookily similar to my ex, and he was not a nice person in the end, and not worth the hurt he caused me. Hope it's not the same guy! But I agree with the impact of porn on men these days.

That would be the last time I ever slept with him. Why are you still with him?

Hmm, things like 'I love your cunt, you really turn me on' would be fine with me. 'Dirty bitch' not so - especially out of the blue, without a conversation about consent.

Good luck, op.

Agreed.
Porn might influence what they like or what they think or hope women like. But decent men actually have a bit of sense and consideration and they know that certain things require consent, and they wouldn't want to make a woman uncomfortable in bed.

How stupid would you have to be to think that all women want to be choked and to have anal? They know well that loads of women don't which is why they don't ask because they try to get away with it by not asking because they're pigs who think that just because a woman agrees to have sex with him that that gives him the right to do whatever he wants with her body.

I spoke to my teenage son about this to make sure that he was aware that porn is not a reflection on what most women actually like, and just because 1 partner or even several might like rougher stuff that does not mean that they all do so he should never ever assume that all girls/women like the same thing. And he said he already understood that because he has common sense. And common sense is not his strongest point 😂but he still understood very easily that just because you see women being paid to act like they're enjoying something on porn doesn't mean that that's what women actually like.

But you've told him now and he's still feigning ignorance and trying to make out that you're abnormal? What's the excuse for that?

He also has access to practically unlimited information about this at the click of his fingers but he'd still rather play dumb?

It’s absurd isn’t it - the idea that they genuinely think choking and anal gets a warm welcome by all women? 🤦🏾‍♀️

They know full well that loads of women don't which is why they don't ask because they try to get away with it by not asking because they're pigs who think that just because a woman agrees to have sex with him that that gives him the right to do whatever he wants with her body.

Yes exactly 🎯they’re just trying their luck during sex because they know some women who would’ve otherwise objected will freeze in the moment or not have enough time to process what’s going on until after it’s happened so therefore can’t speak up or move fast enough to stop them.

Yeah funny that - your teen son understands perfectly but grown men are pretending like they don’t get it 🤡 Honestly women need to be a bit more shrewd and not let adult males play dumb especially when it comes to these sort of things.