Verbal aggression in bed

[Danceathon]

I’ve been seeing a man for a couple of months. He’s my first since my divorce, and the first new man I’ve slept with in over 15 years. He seems lovely. There have been no issues at all. He’s kind, gentle, has a good job and seemingly nice friends (I met three of them, once). A stable life, and he’s not once caused me to feel uncomfortable. Except…

When we are in bed (which; to be fair, has only happened three times) he says things that I find slightly off putting. I am inexperienced when it comes to sleeping with different men. He’s only the 4th I’ve slept with, and the two prior to my ex DH were both when I was 19. None of the others did this.

The sex itself is lovely. He never does anything I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m sure that if I ever told him to stop doing something he would immediately. So it’s not that. But as he gets more excited he says things like ‘dirty bitch’, and uses the C-word. This is completely out of character, and then afterwards he is back to normal again.

I know that in that moment you can lose yourself a bit. And I’m glad he is as aroused as he clearly is. But I just wonder if this is typical or whether it’s a bit of a red flag. I don’t want to make him feel self conscious, so haven’t said anything. I’m sure that when he’s not fifteen seconds from the end of sex he’d not say things like that. Maybe it’s worse because I myself am quite quiet even when I’m very excited. Any thoughts?

He needs to degrade women to climax, now he's just doing it in his head.

Such a "nice guy". Porn is a scourge and is undoing so much hard feminist work. Sigh.

I also can't understand why on earth so many women want to look so fake. It's that ridiculous slapped in the face with a wet fish stunned look. I don't get it.

FFS, sex isn’t just something women perform for men. She doesn’t like it, why are you telling her to play into it?

I think it's far more depressing that women seem to think there's no harm done for men to try something without asking and that the onus is on the woman to tell him she doesn't like it most likely while he's actually doing it or after it's over.
Bit late for some seeing as they'll be upset or traumatised after it.

Exactly this is what some people are failing to realise or choosing to ignore .
You don’t just try something out for the first time and “see if it’s Ok”, because if it’s not OK the harm is already done and the woman may carry that lifelong trauma with her, hence you ask before you do something like anal, throat on neck, slapping etc not after.

I’ve dated some pretty toxic men but even they knew to ask before they done certain things. This is really basic knowledge.

Yuk.

Nooooo. He might like it and then where would the Op be.
Tell him you really don't like. Don't apologise for not liking, just say you don't and you would prefer if he didn't. If he stops it's all good. If he still makes a point of doing it then bin him.

Yeah and surely at this very early stage he should be excited enough by the OP and enjoying her as herself without needing to think of her as a whore?

I'm not opposed to the fantasy or to roleplay but if I was sleeping with a new man I want him to enjoy sleeping with me and to be connecting with me, not just using my body to fulfil some fantasy that he could fulfil with any other woman.

And it's extremely worrying that in this case the OP has said she doesn't like it but she's told to go along with it because it excites him and HE likes it.

This is a man she's only been seeing for a couple of months and only slept with 3 times, she's not there to fulfil all the fantasies of a man she barely knows even if she isn't into what he's doing or saying.

It's absolutely fine to just want to enjoy sex and not want to play a part. Women shouldn't do anything they don't want to do in bed, and certainly not with men who they barely know who could end up blocked by next month 🙄

You know, the kink community have got a few things right, and one of them is enthusiastic consent. Your partner enjoys this kind of talk in bed, but it's COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE to come out with this kind of thing without discussing it first and obtaining enthusiastic consent. I would be horrified, hurt, and disgusted. It happened to me once. He called me a "wicked b&tch" just as he came in me, and I've never forgotten it. It was absolutely horrible, and it turned out that he was a truly nasty man who cheated on everyone.

It's the fact that he thinks it's OK to spring this stuff on someone without warning or consent. I'd feel like slapping his face if I were you. Call him a weak cuckold or tell him to "try harder with that puny little dick, pretty boy" just before he comes and see how he likes it.

I hate him for you.

😂🤣🤣👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Yes OP!! Please call hil
an ugly old pervert mid sex! 🤣 Hilarious!
Well he deserves it! What nasty misogynistic language shows his true colours and how he views women. Gross.

He's been told and if he does it again then thats the red flag

No the red flag was that he did it at all (and without discussion or consent).

The red flag is that he gets off on degrading his partner during sex, even if it's "just" verbally.

I would keep enjoying great sex

But it's not great sex.

What a sad thread.
Having to ask a man to stop using vile degrading language while he is inside you.
So absolutely grim.

For anyone interested or following this thread a couple of months on, just to say that I dumped him because he kept doing it!

Good on you OP! That sucks though.

Well done for dumping him. The fact that he kept on doing it, knowing you didn't like it speaks volumes about the type of man he is and also quite worrying.

Unfortunately that was fairly predictable , I think the point that a lot of us were making upthread when you first posted, is that a man who would even dare to do that without checking consent in the first place is clearly disrespectful and doesn’t care much for what you want.

So it’s sadly not surprising to hear he kept on doing it.

A lesson to anyone who experiences similar to see it as a huge glaring red flag and run the first time.

OP, glad you realised now and have moved on.

Good on you. You deserve 1000000x better than someone who tramples all over your boundaries when you're in a vulnerable position.

Glad you got rid of him.

How did he take it?

Another voice of congratulation.

that moment you can lose yourself a bit

I'd tend to think that this is how he really feels, and the 'nice' facade is just that, a facade.

Isn't there a Sex & The City episode about this, with Charlotte?

Make it nasty!!!

Well done OP he's a fool.

Thanks. He didn’t seem to take it terribly, but I sort of cheated because I did it over the phone. We’d seen each other the day before, had sex and then as he came he said the most vile things again. I let it go at the time but had made my mind up and just said the next day on the phone that I didn’t think we should see each other any more because I didn’t think we were right for each other.