Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

I wouldn't do that for my husband of 10 years! Yes it's too much.

There is an old saying ' money can't buy love '

take heed of it !!!

he's a boyfriend. full stop. not your husband of many years.

you cannot buy him and that's what you are trying to do.

I hope you kept all the receipts and can take every item back ( doubt you can take back the over priced aftershave but it will keep for Christmas for the next boyfriend )

Return the gifts , you can always repurchase them for Christmas etc but last thing you’ll need if it doesn’t work out is a stack of gifts you’ve spent your bonus on

Yes you've certainly gone overboard. I spend a maximum of £100 for my DH at birthdays and Christmas. I know your wage sounds like a lot now, but it is a relatively new job so at your age I would plough all of your money getting as financially secure as possible (whilst still enjoying life!). Enjoy your holiday with your boyfriend, but don't buy his attention!

Also, don’t touch men who wear sliders. Ick.

😂TBF my DP wears sliders on holiday round the pool / on the beach because he can't wear anything that goes between his toes but yep I'd have to agree with you generally.

Especially these expensive Gucci or Prada ones which are literally a piece of plastic with a big garish logo on them. Yak.

Fucking hell, the OP said about 3 pages ago that's she's realised she's gone overboard and will save the gifts for other occasions. Not sure how the subsequent pile on is needed

OP, my ex used to do this, and he had 'trust issues'. I wasn't cheating, he was just controlling and borderline abusive with it.

Next time, spend the money on yourself, get some feel good therapy and it'll probably last longer than the relationship

Way too much. Keep the gifts for Christmas. It's looking desperate TBH.

Haven't read the full thread but if you've only been together 8 months and have had fidelity issues and the issues were with him, he'd have got nothing from me as he'd have been binned.

Very OTT for an 8 month relationship, I've been with DH 6 years, he's 40 soon, he's getting a card from me, because he says he doesn't want anything and he means it! He'd prefer us to just do something so we're going for a meal at a restaurant he's been wanting to go to for a while.

I'm going against the grain here as I don't think there's a 'too much' or 'over the top' when it comes to gift giving - it's all relative to each person and their financial set up. It really doesn't matter how much anyone else spends on their partner. That's them and their relationship. Great, but irrelevant. As long as you aren't putting yourself in debt or going without.

With that being said though, him saying no gifts and then buying those gifts may make him feel uncomfortable. I would return everything bar the sliders OR the sunglasses - as they are both things that would come in handy on your holiday. I don't know him though, so if anything at all would make him uncomfortable, return it all.

Whilst it's nice to gift give, you have to respect his boundaries AND also ensure that you are looking after yourself financially too. You do seem to have ploughed an awful lot of money in to a new relationship. Make sure you aren't being used as a cash cow.

This.

If my BF/GF had done this Id feel incredibly uncomfortable, a little creeped out and like my feelings didn't matter to them. He said no to more gifts and you trampled all over his boundary. If you were in his shoes as a woman and had come on here you'd be told this was a major red flag, potentially controlling behaviour and probably get some LTBs. This really isn't an okay way to treat someone. It doesn't make it ok to ignore what he wants because it's about giving him something. Its his birthday and this makes it about you and your lavish giving while he's, temporarily, on the bones of his arse and having to borrow from his new GF. Just leave it at the holiday like he asked you to.

Hi OP,

Return the other presents - sliders, fragrance, sunglasses and grooming set if you can.

If too late to return these presents, then keep them aside and give them to him for Christmas / Valentine's day.

HRTFT but sounds like live bombing.

Also sounds like a waste of money when he's so hard up.

Is it too late / not possible to return the sliders / sunglasses etc?

I think you need some help, no one in their right mind spends over £300 on sliders do they?

I'm inwardly cringing at the thought of you giving all that for a birthday, poor lad

OMG, have you got issues, but not trust ones, as your suspicions were reasonable. I'm not sure where to start. You will end up feeling pretty stupid having spent all that once the relationship is over. You don't convince someone to love you by spending, and you won't get an improved return on your investment- his behaviour will be the same regardless. Only the bad guys who gladly want to take what they can get will stick around after that, the good ones would get freaked out by it all, insist on paying towards it, then run a mile.
You're a lovebomber, but you won't buy loyalty being so. Next your mind will go " after all I've done for him, he still didn't do x, y, z." Oh dear, get therapy, you need it.

£310 for sliders !, I would not pay £31 !

Save fragrance for Christmas

Far too much for someone that you have known for only 8 months

As you are young, pay money into a pension, property or savings or more holidays

As others have said: yes, it’s too much. By being generous you are establishing a power imbalance that will undermine your BF’s self confidence and make him feel lousy that he can’t reciprocate. It’s really unfair and will, IMO, risk making his low mood issues worse. It may eat away at him and eventually sour your relationship.

I appreciate you have a lot of money and can afford to spoil him, but throwing money at people is easy when you have a lot of it and, as a result, often isn’t appreciated as much as, say, cooking him his favourite meal and buying him a simple hoodie in his favoured brand (ie something he would treat himself to and actually wear). A short, luxury weekend away in the UK would have been a nice gesture - everything else is really too much.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone (to not bail out anytime soon) or at least that’s how I would feel. Tbh it would irritate me to have all this from a bf, it would seem like love bombing (even if that’s not your intention). Can you pare it back and just give him a token on the day. If you’re confident you have a future then stagger giving him these over different celebrations (birthday, Christmas etc).

Yes it's way over the top. And it isn't healthy in several ways-

You've ignored his request not to buy him anything. Shows a lack of respect for him and his wishes.

Can you imagine how he will feel, struggling financially just to meet his bills, and you're buying unnecessary luxuries as though money is no object?

It sounds as though you're buying his love. It would freak me out, and I'd be really embarassend, to be on the receiving end of that. Especially after only 8 months.

You are underlining the current financial imbalance in your relationship.

It suggests you don't feel like equals in other ways. You feel almost grateful that he's with you. You feel you have to buy his love. You really need to take time to understand that.

Absolutely over-the-top too much! If I was your boyfriend, it would make me feel uncomfortable. It seems inappropriate as it is so much.

I'm a sucker for a branded good, and have spent some silly money on handbags and sunglasses.

But sliders? Really? I assumed any ones with premium brands I've seen were Turkey knock offs.

Keep the gifts for his Christmas present.

You have gone ott with the presents, part of a good relationship is listening but very few of us do it. He's told you he doesn't want any other gifts as he appreciates it an expensive holiday. Listen to what he's told you, it'll hold you in good stead going forward. I'd save the presents for Christmas, hopefully by then his financial situation will be better and he'll be able to treat you. It's all about listening, communication and balance, best wishes going forward.

Are you serious??? This is way too much.

are you deeply insecure so that you want to please people by giving them lavish gifts?