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Original poster

Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

389 replies

Howdon · 14/06/2024 09:01

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

OP posts:
Vermin · 14/06/2024 09:13

Mortifyingly over the top. You will embarrass the poor man - he has said no more gifts - ffs listen to him. He can’t reciprocate and that’s not going to make him feel good and it’s very early days - are you trying to buy control over him?

WooWooWinnie · 14/06/2024 09:13

Far too much. If I was him I’d feel really uncomfortable. And he specifically told you not to buy him anything else. I’d buy him a token to open on the day, but literally a book or something silly costing £10. Take it all back.

CurryOnRegardless · 14/06/2024 09:13

You have been with him 8 months and for 3 of those 8 months you have been carrying the relationship financially.

I appreciate that you can afford it (I hope you genuinely can: do you have savings? Make pension payments?), but be careful you are not trying to buy love.

You say this is a pattern.

I think I might have trust issues if I had set up a system where someone could be being with me because of my generosity.

What were the trust issues caused by? And how were they resolved?

I’m not saying he’s not a good guy, and I’m glad he treats you well.

He may be worried about how he is supposed to reciprocate outlay on ludicrously expensive sliders.

Drttc · 14/06/2024 09:13

All those gifts on top of the luxury holiday… you are coming on too strong!! Return those gifts or set them aside for anniversary/Christmas stocking fillers/other occasions! You could very well scare him aware. I, myself, would be put off.

Vermin · 14/06/2024 09:14

(Also - be honest - is any of this stuff on a credit card?)

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/06/2024 09:14

Give him the grooming set at a gift. That's more than enough on top of the holiday. Take the rest back.

QforCucumber · 14/06/2024 09:14

Return the stuff - it is too much and he's told you so.

Even for a general b'day - £310 on a pair of sliders? is that normal for you? I find this absolutely bizarre, but I wear £15 adidas ones and spend the remaining £295 on a year car insurance hah.

If he's been struggling then throwing that kind of money around will likely make him feel embarrassed and very out of place.

SeatedattheVirginals · 14/06/2024 09:16

You clearly aren’t that secure in this relationship if you’re lending him money already and massively overspending for someone who ‘tries’ to make you a priority — how hard does he try?

After eight months, this is completely ridiculous. You barely know one another. I think the first birthday DH had after we got together, I got him a first edition of a novel he loved and we went out for dinner.

acatcalledjohn · 14/06/2024 09:18

£2.5k on a boyfriend of 8 months? That's insane. We've been together over a decade and the biggest amount ever spent on a big birthday is about £150-£200.

The holiday I kind of get (even if it is silly money) and with that I would have then done a small thoughtful gift.

He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts.

You actively ignored his wishes. That is a massive red flag and puts you at risk of being £2.5 out of pocket with no boyfriend to show for it.

SecretsInSongs · 14/06/2024 09:18

It’s all relative. If you’re well off and happy to spend it, then it’s not too much. If you’re earning £30k, then yes, it seems a bit OTT.

I’d be more concerned with the ‘trust issues’ and considering marrying someone that you haven’t been with for very long.

ThistleWitch · 14/06/2024 09:22

Drttc · 14/06/2024 09:13

All those gifts on top of the luxury holiday… you are coming on too strong!! Return those gifts or set them aside for anniversary/Christmas stocking fillers/other occasions! You could very well scare him aware. I, myself, would be put off.

I agree with this, he didnt want a gift, and you have spent £859!!!

Return 2 of the gifts and give him the grooming git only

Original poster
Howdon · 14/06/2024 09:22

Thanks for your comments, everyone! I feel rather embarrassed 😳 but I think I was led by my excitement at the time, and then I was slowly rethinking everything today!

I think I will give him the grooming set and keep the rest aside for future occasions.

I do think that I am a bit insecure, and perhaps I've gone overboard as a result...

I work in recruitment, have a fairly senior position, and can earn more from members of my team excelling, and the work is heavily incentivised via a generous bonus and commission structure. But I work long hours and sometimes on weekends to earn a good amount of money.

The trust issues were relating to his fidelity, but we have had an open and honest conversation, and we both are a good place now.

OP posts:
Raggydollz · 14/06/2024 09:23

No .. just the holiday as it's for both of you! It puts too much pressure on him for your birthday and that's not fair..

ThistleWitch · 14/06/2024 09:23

Howdon · 14/06/2024 09:22

Thanks for your comments, everyone! I feel rather embarrassed 😳 but I think I was led by my excitement at the time, and then I was slowly rethinking everything today!

I think I will give him the grooming set and keep the rest aside for future occasions.

I do think that I am a bit insecure, and perhaps I've gone overboard as a result...

I work in recruitment, have a fairly senior position, and can earn more from members of my team excelling, and the work is heavily incentivised via a generous bonus and commission structure. But I work long hours and sometimes on weekends to earn a good amount of money.

The trust issues were relating to his fidelity, but we have had an open and honest conversation, and we both are a good place now.

The trust issues were relating to his fidelity, but we have had an open and honest conversation, and we both are a good place now.

His fidelity..... within 8 months???

Gorgonemilezola · 14/06/2024 09:23

Fantastical, truly.

skeletonbones · 14/06/2024 09:24

Yes this sounds madness! its only been 8 months and you are already lending him. what if he changes his mind about the relationship, its only early days at 8 months, he'd be walking away in the £300 sliders you bought him! Take the presents back to the shop and treat yourself or put it in savings for a house.

BayandBlonde · 14/06/2024 09:26

Chucking your money about like that only 8 months into a relationship is pretty vulgar tbh

BobbyBiscuits · 14/06/2024 09:27

Is he fond of overpriced sliders? Does he like smell of the fragrance? Has he tried on the sunglasses? Does he like using a grooming set?
I actually can barely believe a person of 26 would have that much disposable income!
He didn't want or ask for any of this stuff. He is currently without income. You can't buy people's affection you know!

PaminaMozart · 14/06/2024 09:28

Goodness, yes, it is WAY over the top.

It reeks of insecurities, lovebombing, trying to buy love, shoehorning him into a relationship he probably isn't ready for...

Seriously, give your head a wobble!

Original poster
Howdon · 14/06/2024 09:33

BodenCardiganNot · 14/06/2024 09:30

@Howdon
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lone_parents/4888170-what-help-am-i-entitled-to-as-a-lone-working-parent?reply=128954146

Last September you were single and pregnant on £28000 a year and asking what benefits you might be entitled to.....

I never went through that pregnancy. I now had a promotion, and I am in a stable relationship

OP posts:
Bumbleebeetree · 14/06/2024 09:33

Can you cancel the holiday op and just do a spa day or something together? It might make him feel a bit awkward if you're paying for everything. It's nice to treat your SO but I think that's far too much in such a new relationship.

yellowsmileyface · 14/06/2024 09:33

I feel like you're going overboard, not just with the presents, but the relationship itself.

Only 8 months in and there have already been issues of fidelity... it's not really a good omen for things to come. Yet you're already talking about getting married and moving in. On top of that you've been paying for everything 5 months in. I know you're happy to do it and for you it's just a way of expressing love, but you could easily end up being used.

You're still very young. You have plenty of time to take things more slowly. It's really not my intention to rain on your parade, it's obvious you're madly in love with this guy, but please don't be blinded by love. I do think it would benefit you to take a step back and go slower in this relationship.

Anonym00se · 14/06/2024 09:33

The red flag here is that he told you not to buy him anything else, and you’ve totally ignored his wishes. Do you often dismiss his feelings about things? You need to look at that because it will end up being a relationship breaker.

DonnaChang · 14/06/2024 09:36

Just thinking back to when my now-husband and I were dating for about the same amount of time and what his reaction would be.

I think he’d have been embarrassed.

It’s overkill and sets an expectation and precedent that’s unlikely to be feasible every year for both of you.

Ultimately, it’s very try-hard.