Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

That’s daft. Can’t you take the stuff back?

I think that's crazy, personally. My OHs first birthday together, I took him out for a meal and paid, the 2nd birthday we booked two nights away and went to Alton Towers, at that point we lived together so there wasn't really his/my money, so we both just paid.

Spending thousands after 8 months together is such a lot. Would he do the same for your birthday?

So hold on. He cheated but you have the trust "issues"? And are now buying his love?

Infidelity breaks trust. That is not a flaw on your side. I think you need to spend some time looking at what healthy relationships are because what you are describing ain't it.

You don’t go to being on your arse to spending 5k in a month!!!

a promotion in normal world max is 20% so even then you are still on sub 50k

I think you need to prioritise not living with mummy and daddy anymore!

Fidelity? Please take one of your friends on the holiday and get rid.

Save your money for a deposit on a house, or to pay more of your mortgage off if you already have one.

You can't purchase love, respect or loyalty. You sound like you could do with some counselling to unpick this, it's a form of love bombing and your relationship has been incredibly brief, it's 100% unwarranted . If you were a man doing this to a woman there would be ginormous red flags everywhere and people would be saying to ltb. It's like you are trying to tell him in getting used to all these huge gifts and making him reliant on you and in turn he feels the need to be grateful and excuse poor behaviours as you bought him xxx . Can you not see that?

The trust issues were relating to his fidelity, but we have had an open and honest conversation, and we both are a good place now.

I think this is a crucial bit of information. Do you mean he cheated on you?

God. It's totally over the top for such a new relationship.

But it sounds like things are moving very fast.

You're in love? You barely know him.

You're planning to move in?? Wait.

You have been lending him money and supporting him?? Why? Far too soon.

Be very careful.

"Designer sliders" for £300? 🙄

But yes, you obviously know you've gone over the top. Not sure if this post is just a brag or what but 8 months in and there are already trust issues... Sounds like you're trying to buy his love / loyalty tbh.

Good advice ☺️

I obviously don't spend like this every month! I don't even spend like this on myself! I just felt like cheering him up, as he's had a Hard time recently.

Also, just regarding my promotion I became a sales manager and I work for a small business, so the step up was more than I was expecting, but the role it self is very onerous.

I am still saving for my own place, and will likely move out in the next year or so (hopefully). The money i used for this holiday is from the commission I've made last few months, and isn't something I typically spend, this is why I'm rethinking everything.

The trust issues were relating to his fidelity, but we have had an open and honest conversation, and we both are a good place now.

His fidelity? Was he unfaithful?

No six-month relationship is a stable relationship. It's a very new relationship.

And insecure.

Hello! No, he wasn't unfaithful, I was just concerned he was cheating as he was being very suspicious with his phone, and not being open about things and spending less time with me.

Use the money you've earned to build up some security for yourself rather than on a man who may or may not still be with you this time next year. Also think about why you've got carried away like this.

Massively over the top in a creepy trying to buy him way. It also looks like you’re spending all this money to embarrass him at a time when money is short for him and he’s having financial uncertainty. If this was a man spending like this on a woman we’d tell her to run for the hills. Even one of these presents would be too much at this particular time. He’s going to think you’re deranged.

What’s the gap you’re trying to fill? What are you in reality trying to ‘buy’? I’d recommend you return everything. You’ve bought the holiday now.

in the kindest possible way, please find a good therapist use that money to work on yourself.

Need more info about the 'fidelity issues' but yes - way OTT

I would cringe at sliders that expensive and feel embarrassed and overwhelmed - return them
Fragrance - ridiculous amount unless you know it's an absolute favourite - if not, return it, if so, save it for Christmas
Sunglasses - will they definitely suit him?
Grooming Kit - anything in it he does not already have?

Holiday fair enough as that is for both of you, but please take the rest back and in future, buy him something that is maybe slightly above what he would spend himself, so still a treat - but not ostentatiously in your face 10 X the price!

I think it's a lot. Maybe keep the gifts you bought him for xmas and the holiday can just be his birthday present.

You may be a giver but you’re not a good listener. I have no idea why you are canvassing our opinions and didn’t listen when your bf said that the holiday was enough.

You already know how this man feels about his insecure finances and what do you do, throw even more money at him in the form of overpriced tat he doesn’t want.

I would seriously question the motives of someone who behaved as you have.

For an eight month relationship? Way too much. This sounds like a 'trip of a lifetime' that one would do for a major anniversary (like 25 years).
But it's all relative. If you can afford all that at 26 and don't mind continuing to support him, well that's up to you. But if I was on the receiving end I'd think you were trying to buy my affection and rather showing me up as I would in no way be able to do even a tenth of that in return.

Exactly. This is, or should be, the early, fizzy, exciting stage, not dealing with his unemployment, ‘low mood’, infidelity a few months in, paying for the entire relationship, and planning to marry someone you hardly know!

If you were accidentally pregnant by someone different last autumn, might I respectfully suggest you take some time away from dating and calm down a bit about it all.

Yes it’s too much and you will frighten him away if you keep smothering him with gifts. Pull back and good luck!!

He won’t feel comfortable with all this.
It will probably point out the huge differences in your financial positions.
He will struggle to get back on his feet after being unemployed so long.
Please re consider. The trip alone will be amazing.

Return all the gifts if possible. £310 for sliders?? Those plastic things you put on your feet?!

its way too over the top, hell the holiday alone is far too over the top at 8 months! £3.5k!?

sounds a bit like your trying to buy him. A bit desperate, lending him money, spending ~£4.5k on his birthday after 8 months, fucking hell