Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

It's obviously incredibly generous of you, and absolutely up to you to spend that kind of money if you can afford it (lucky you!) but I would stop to consider how it would make him feel. If it were me, I would be thinking "Oh Jesus is this what she'll be expecting for her birthday? How do I afford this?"

I know how it is to enjoy giving gifts - I'm the same, as is my mum. I love to make people feel special. But it can make some people feel really uncomfortable, and I think you have to be mindful of that. It may make him feel a little overwhelmed, or come across as a bit intense.

Personally I would scale it back to just the holiday. Having an experience as a gift is so special anyway, as you're creating a memory.

You don't sound very serious about saving to move out. That's 4K towards a deposit. I get that you want to treat yourself too but spending this amount of money on an 8 month relationship seems insane.

She won’t see him for dust by Christmas, so unless her next “partner” has the same size feet it’s a bit pointless.

Your money, your choice, but I can't be the only person who thinks £300 for a pair of flip-flops is actually obscene.

Hmm, so now you can afford to throw 4 grand away?but live with your mum and dad? And have had such a big promotion that 9 months ago you were looking for a council house and asking about benefits?

I’d feel uncomfortable receiving so much on top of the already generous holiday.

The rest of the story suggests you should return / cancel what you can and spend the money on therapy. And be single for a while.

8 months in? Totally OTT and smothering. I would return all of the gifts except one and the holiday

Sorry but for a boyfriend of 8 months I think that’s an awful lot of money to spend on him.
It’s nice to treat people but I’d worry that he/ or others may just use you to buy them things.
Personally I’d return the gifts and focus on the holiday which is far more than anyone bought me for my 30th and I’ve been with my dh 15 years.

This is an absolutely ludicrous amount of money to spend on a partner unless you're a billionaire. It is way too much. Take all of the presents back. It sounds as if you have to go ahead with the holiday but it is also far too extravagant. If you don't have your own place yet, please do not spend in this over the top way. Having your own house is expensive and the process of buying and possibly modernising a property can be astronomical. Please be sensible with your finite resources.

Even if your salary tripled upon your apparent promotion, this is an obscene amount of money to spend on a BF of 8m. I assumed you were some trust fund kid or on £200k pa in a professional job. My DH/partner of 33 years is on that sort of money and if he spent that amount on me, I’d ask him to return it - a beautiful piece of jewellery or a new ipad for a combined birthday/Xmas once a year is the norm (and already very extravagant), but I’d rather he paid down the mortgage or topped up the kids’ uni fund in the hope that he can retire earlier, as I’d rather have him home with me than working himself into a heart attack related early grave.

Sorry, there is nowhere outside a sugar daddy arrangement where that kind of gifting is normal.

Absolute madness. Even if you have paid off a mortgage and fully paid for a reliable vehicle spending all of that money on a new relationship is reckless.

Sales managers is a job title of someone who is manages a team of recruiters for a division within the business. I'm by no means rich, but I have worked hard for a promotion, and we can earn commission in our roles, so I can afford to spend this as a "one off" for a special occassion, as a lot of this money is money i ahvw saved up for. I'm quite frugal with my spending otherwise, and don't tend to buy for myself, but I guilty of treating those I care about.

I've saved up money, and rather carelessly spent a bit too much on my boyfriend, and I just wanted outsider opinions.
The general consensus is its too much and off putting. And I think that's all I needed to hear.

I was in a difficult place last year, and I guess I may suffer from abandonment issues. I'm not sure why I have spent so much, and I can't really justify it other than I wanted to make him feel special, as he has made a lot of effort when he could afford to. I guess I just wanted to show my gratitude, as no one has been as kind to me as he has. Albeit, we have had our issues (which was on his end, not mine)

I would give him the sun glasses for his holiday and save the rest for xmas.

Take all the things back and put the money in a deposit fund for your own home. Pay yourself first. Do not give this man anymore money or expensive gifts until he pays back what he owes you. Two sayings - you can’t buy love and don’t lend money you aren’t willing to lose.

Also I’d really recommend seeing a gp - so much compulsive and extreme behaviour along with lots of big life events in a short space of time could be something you need support with.

I’d really focus hard on saving everything you can to get your own place.

£300 for some sliders, for goodness sake.

Definitely bonkers - you are making him feel inadequate

Way way too much. At 8 months and you’ve been paying for things he’s either taking advantage or you’re too daft to realise. Take the stuff back the holiday is his present.

Just read your previous posts. You are buying him so he doesn’t leave you. First you controlled him with the blocking other girls and now this. This relationship isn’t for you. Please dump him, seek therapy for your issues and then look for a partner. It isn’t fair to treat him this way when you have trust issues.

“mewkins · Today 09:47
Use the money you've earned to build up some security for yourself rather than on a man who may or may not still be with you this time next year. Also think about why you've got carried away like this.”

@Howdon - this with bells on.

I felt suffocated just reading your posts OP. Listen to what he is saying to you - he said no more presents.

It's way too much. I would be quite freaked out if someone spent this much on me.

It's completely over the top.