Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

This

You sound like a kind and generous person, but I do worry when I see statements like this
"I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family."

I worry because you could really find yourself being taken advantage of if you continue.
Especially where you say you are not used to being treated as nice as BF treats you. Why is that?
Do friends and family expect a lot from you?

You have to start being a bit more selfish. You are young and this is your prime earning time, before perhaps a family/mortgage and boring as it sounds, it's time when you can build up savings to help you in your future dreams and ambitions, instead of frittering it away on others who may or may not appreciate you. Its selfcare. You can still be generous but also have a plan in place to be generous to yourself.

Also start asking for good treatment from friends and family.

I thought it was a good sign that he said the holiday was the present and there was no need to buy more. And that he had said he would pay you back when he's earning. I hope you have a lovely holiday

Are you very well off, and are you a much higher earner than him? I would only consider this level of gifting normal if my income was over 20k per week. He has to borrow money to make ends meet, so that financial difference will likely come between you 2. I think it would make most people in his position very uncomfortable.

I had times where I was young and struggled month to month, but my parents would give me luxury gifts instead of helping with basic expenses. So I’d have a Birkin bag while unable to pay council tax on time!! As the receiver it’s deeply frustrating and grows resentment.

Also. If you are in any less than 100k a year, you quite likely need to review your spending habits. This is very excessive even for yourself.

@Howdon

i think I would feel pretty irritated if I was your parents OP, watching you spend about 4 thousand pounds on a holiday and fragrance for your bf of a few months! I hope you pay them decent rent money!

I agree, I’d run for the hills if I were him

what’s so deeply wrong about you (in your opinion) that is telling you that you have to do all this for a guy you’ve known for a matter of weeks? One you’ve also been bailing out it doesn’t matter how much money you have or don’t have, what this is shrieking- together with your trust issues - is deep insecurity and bunny boiler level over investment

take the presents back, the holiday on its own is too much for a relationship this short, take him at his word that you’ve done enough and reel it all in while you work out why you are so insecure

Return the items and put it towards your home instead. Recruitment can be tricky and one month you could not get a bonus and then £300 on flip flops will feel a waste.

You're love bombing him

What are your trying to prove

Way over the top.

There's a saying of "more money than sense". It applies to you.

@Howdon what did you decide to do?

Err I don't think @Howdon is coming back - as she got her arse handed to her here.

I personally don't think she did that badly (e.g. spent too much), though, I would never do this. An ex-boyfriend of mine bitched when I bought him a brand new Joseph shirt for Christmas after he'd bought me Tiffany jewellery as he thought I should've spent more! 😂

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain no I don't think she's coming back either.

It just seemed a bit odd to spend so much on a fairly new boyfriend which has had a rocky patch when she has a child and lives with her parents.

I like nice things but am not label orientated so £310 slides is 🤯

Your ex was a bit self entitled!

@CalicoPusscat - yes it was a lot to spend - I mean I never would but...

my ex (we were both younger, mid 20s but hey...) came from quite a poor background so spending on designer stuff seemed to be to them that they'd 'done well/made it'. Standard gifts for me were Tiffany jewellery - actually not the bog standard stuff, more classy, gold and silver bits, Bulgari etc. His DM bought him some lovely gold YSL cufflinks as birthday/Xmas gift one year. All the boys wore Joseph/Paul Smith shirts (00s) or more expensive. I spent a fortune myself on Karen Millen/Alberta Ferreti/Vivienne Westwood/Joseph outfits plus designer bags which he also got me as gifts. Some of this I'm sure was as an apology for cheating - I only found out it was once after we broke up but am sure there was more. He suspected me of cheating but I never did.

He was a bit entitled. didn't matter that I paid for a short break in Copenhagen by myself in a 4 star hotel as a gift for him the next year!

I bought my new boyfriend lavish gifts when I was free to spend on what we liked. I have now been with him 20 years and he has lovely things he’s kept and wonderful memories. Enjoy spoiling the people you love if you can afford it :)

@CalicoPusscat totally off topic but here's mine

@HelloDenise beauty!!

I don’t think it’s too much, giving gifts is one of my love languages I absolutely love it.

”love languages “?! Please….

That's another one for the phrases that need to be dumped.

’Love languages’ 🤮

Do you live with your mam at 26 and six months ago were you asking about food banks and then did you spend £4000 on a man who you have only been dating for a few months and have already had infidelity issues with?

Can you imagine receiving all of that and being in no position to reciprocate? I think you’re in danger of making him feel sad when I assume you want the opposite?

just because you can afford it doesn’t make it a good idea. It’s still early days, even if he could do the same for you, I’d think this was excessive, and would be wondering what the underlying reason was for such an OTT display of spending at this point in your relationship.

8 month relationship 3 months out of work you pay the bills and give him handouts
he sounds very generous tome NOT
Soynds like you are buying him

Sorry but this is madness. 8 month old relationship and you are spending >4k (gifts including) for his birthday?..
This makes you look super insecure, do you believe that he (and everyone else) will leave unless you shower them with material things (aka be a ‘giver’)? Why?

But then maybe your budget is unlimited and £4k is immaterial to you🤷‍♀️

This was very much just a 'look at me, look at what I've got, look at what I can do" pointless post

Omg

Op missed #blessed.

Talk about a humble brag 🤣