Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

it is a lot, and feels a bit ott after spending all that money on a holiday. It might make him feel uncomfortable, but I guess so long as you don’t grumble if he only gets you a £20 bunch of flowers for your birthday then hopefully it will be fine. Enjoy your holiday - it sounds amazing.

I like my sliders cost a fiver on eBay great for putting the bins out etc

I have been with my husband 20 years. We have a max budget for Christmas of £200, and £100 for birthdays. You have spent waaaaaayyyyy too much

You're making him pay back the cash in 3 installments but happy to spend a ridiculous amount on a holiday and bizarre over the top non essentials?! Let me guess you're going to brag about the presents and post plenty of pics on social media?
You're basically taking the piss out of him.

Hold back the aftershave and grooming set. Sliders and sunglasses are pretty seasonal presents, you can’t give him those for Christmas. You’ll have to wait a year before you give him them again.

You need to put value into giving your time. To be spending so excessively without having much in savings makes little sense .

It’s all just a bit desperate op. And if you think buying him all this stuff will make him stay or impress him, it will have the opposite effect. Who wants to settle down with someone who spends all their money like this,and can’t manage their finances. Which you can’t. You’re living with your mum and dad.

Yes, that is too much. You have mentioned that you have not been used to being treated well in past relationships so it could be that subconsciously you feel unworthy of his love and have to 'buy' into his affection/approval. Please don't take this too harshly but you need to love yourself and remind yourself that your boyfriend loves you for being you. I would suggest getting refunds on the presents. The holiday in itself could be considered excessive after 8 months but it is booked now so relax and enjoy!

Way too much.
also, why is he borrowing money from you? Does he not get paid monthly from his new job? That would be a red flag for me

Yes too much. Maybe give him one if you must- the sliders? Take some back and save some for Christmas.

Thanks @SeatedattheVirginals I live by the Reithian principles. I was ready to be shot down in flames, so nice to be appreciated.

Gifts should always be about what will make the other person feel good. This will make you feel good, as you get to be the generous girlfriend treating her man, but it will make him feel like shit because he can’t reciprocate (whether you would want him to or not).

Oh OP I'm so worried about you after seeing that you got together with this guy within weeks of ending a pregnancy
Plus with everything you've said about insecurity and previous bad relationships, and now spending thousands on gifts. Please please return these hugely expensive items which are definitely way too much to give, and spend it on therapy. The surefire way to turn this into a relationship that lasts is to learn to fully and deeply love yourself. Good luck

I’m with my amazing BF exactly 1 year and here is ALL I bought him so far:

Christmas:

• 1 book (that I ended up ‘borrowing’ when I found it in his ‘storage’ room full of crap - he didn’t like it and would probably never read it
• one sex pillow that we use sometimes
• some meaty snacks for him to keep in his office

V day:

• a spicy sauce as he collects it

B’day

• will take him for a nice meal of his fave cuisine

Lost the count on the amount of gifts, flowers, sweet treats he has given me

OP call me old fashioned but I believe a man has to work on wowing a woman and invest in her in order to form a strong attachement and value the woman and the relationship - especially at the start
Unless he is a user, he will feel turned off by your generosity
Men need to feel like they are the hero and your overspending and OTT behaviour will create the opposite effect

Return the gifts and invest your money in yourself or your future

Accept every contribution he tries to make for the holiday and the money he borrowed with grace - and do not lend anymore

OP, gently meant but this is madness.
You are living at home, without a home of your own, are giving regular money to your boyfriend and are now paying thousands for his birthday.
You sound very young, very naive, without a dot of sense.
Stop buying him, it never ends well.

Who the hell pays £310 for a pair of sliders. Designer or not it's literally just some rubber to shove your feet into, and quite frankly they look ridiculous.

Oh my gosh OP 🙈

Stop right there! You'll both enjoy the holiday, but return the sliders, for a start. Save the other presents for something else.

And make sure he repays the money, even if slowly! Money can go fast you need to save for your family.

@sunshinegrey Sex pillow? You learn something new every day!

That must have been some promotion you got OP if you can now afford a 5 star AI holiday and all those gifts.

What the heck is a sex pillow? Is that like the penis beaker?

As lots have said, just do the holiday and not the rest then calm down with the relationship. Dont race to get married and don't get pregnant.

Take your time and enjoy yourself. You are still young. Prioritise saving up to move out.

It sounds like you’re trying to buy his love with these loans and frankly ridiculous birthday gifts. Also, I don’t care what you are working as or how much money you are earning, if you were earning £28K this time last year then unless you won the lottery you absolutely do not have this type of money to spend on someone’s birthday! You need to learn both financial sense and also get some help to deal with your abandonment issues.

Maybe add a Prada paperclip to the b’day pile or for Xmas?

No
It is a cushion that enhance positions
Of course people use any pillow or cushion but the one they sell from sex shops have a velvet cover and specific shape. Google it.

um no, I’m good thanks 😂