Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

Imagine a broke man who ows his GF cash and has to pay in 3 instalments and is not contributing at all to any dating expenses and a very expensive holiday, parading around wearing a designer £310 sliders?

I would honestly put all of the gifts away in the cupboard for a later date because he expressly said that he didn’t want gifts and I think that should be respected otherwise he could end up feeling very awkward, not least as he owes you money. Hope that you both have a great holiday.

It comes across as needy and like you are trying to buy his love. The info about his infidelity just reinforces this. It's likely that he will see you as a mug and a meal ticket.

This is what people-pleasers never understand. No one respects a people-pleaser because their behaviour makes it clear they have no standards, boundaries etc, will put up with other people’s shit behaviour, and keep bleeding themselves dry, financially or emotionally, because they’re always asking themselves ‘Does X like me?’ rather than ‘Do I actually like X? Does X deserve me? Is this a good relationship for me, one in which I am respected, liked, loved, well-treated etc?’

After a few months, someone behaving in a way that suggests infidelity should just get the heave-ho, not have their girlfriend supporting them financially and then trying to bribe them into continuing the relationship with expensive holidays and presents.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

@Howdon has your BF actually said he would like any of the above? And if so, the specific brands you have bought? It all seems really excessive and expensive. I would take everything back and get a refund if you can.
The grooming set seems ok - give him that.
I know millionaires that would baulk at paying that much for those items. Who pays £300+ for sliders?

It's all way overboard. And puts him in an awkward position if he's a decent man rather than a cocklodger. You haven't even been together a year and are making a production worthy of a 50th birthday type celebration between longtime partners. Why?

One can help people feel special without spending any money at all.

That's a rediculous amount of money to spend.

Apologies if this has been asked (I haven't time to read 200+ replies!) but is this a reverse? Are you the partner thinking that your new girlfriend has gone totally OTT???
(Answer to which is "yes ~ way too much!")
The holiday is also for the OP so maybe that is ok (if you can afford that.... ) but "designer sliders" WTAF???

You can't buy his love. This seems to be what you are trying to do. Maybe think about trying to keep up with his money spending. It won't make him feel very good if he can't can't keep it up

That would have me running for the hills if a boyfriend of 8 months did all that for me. Way, way too much. Even if you were both millionaires. Red flag central.

*Edited a spelling mistake as it could have caused confusion if not corrected.

I wouldn't have spent that much on my partner at any point in our 20 years together, and neither would he. And we both like nice quality things. We have high interest rates atm - if you've got that sort of money to burn at your young age you should be locking it away in a high interest account.

If you read the posters previous threads this does not seem remotely possible. Now I am not saying troll at all. I think this poster has some serious mh issues. Maybe this is some sort of fantasy or similar because of unhappy life. I wonder if mumsnet would be able to reach out. Something is not right here and I hope she gets the help she needs.

You could put the other gifts away for Christmas?

I don’t think it’s too much. I’m sure it’s all stuff he’ll love & like you say you can afford it. He’s had a horrid time lately & I’m sure he’ll be delighted with the treats that he hasn’t been able to afford for himself. It’s a big birthday too!

Whether or not people like being given lavish presents really wasn’t the OP’s question.

8 months isnt a stable relationship, no matter how good things are. You're definitely showing your insecurity both by potentially being paranoid re his phone (or maybe it was warranted, in which case the relationship isnt great at all) and by splashing the cash, youre coming on too strong

Way too much, whether 8 months or 8 years!

Blunt response but this is insanity, utter insanity.

You've been with him 8 months and you're basically teaching him that he doesn't need to bother getting a job. You're 26, you don't know yet, but you will soon find out one way or the other that this behaviour is going to set you up for a massive load of heartache.

There are tons of stories on here about women who have done similar things because "oh he was so lovely in the first year" and they have given everything, only to find themselves being cheated on/taken advantage of/abused or some combination of the three.

The £50 gift set is all you should be spending here, and of course he's lovely to you, there is nothing as nice as a man who needs a woman to be his ATM. I'm sorry to be so cynical, but i've seen it far far too many times.

Way over the top and needy

You don't think spending four thousand pounds on someone you have known for eight months and for the past three of those eight months you have been paying for everything is too much?

When you live with your parents at 26 and are saving up for a deposit and only a few months ago you were in financial difficulties.

Way too much, from the details you have given you actually can’t afford it (still living with parents, not on the property ladder etc.), and likely to be grossly off putting to any decent person. It comes across as desperate. I’d go on the holiday and return the other gifts (although even that is OTT for someone you are essentially only dating). I’d be surprised if this relationship lasts another eight months.

She asked whether she had gone OTT. I don’t think she has. Maybe gifts are their love language. I don’t think the gifts are all that lavish.

No. I don’t. If that’s how she chooses to spend her money I think it’s fine …

Ridiculous. I'd dump you. Who in their right mind spends over £300 on glorified flip-flops? Crazy.

If that’s how she chooses to spend her money I think it’s fine …

I think it's totally reckless.