Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

When I was with a boyfriend whose love language was expensive gifts he was emotionally abusing me. Basically if he cheated (which he did once) then I think the expensive gifts were a sweetener. And you get use to receiving them and can get a bit spoiled to be honest! Not saying OP is similar but think by her previous thread there’s a bit of a trust issue between them.

I completely understand the income source as a close friend has a similar job (her first job out of uni, in early 20s) and can earn £5k a month, depending on commission.

It's very sweet that you want to make him feel special but maybe just give him one gift so you have something to give him, and have the holiday be the main gift. It's a lot of pressure to return the favour for your birthday, even if you made it clear that you didn't expect that. Save the rest for Christmas!

Also, completely fine to spend this on a holiday if you want to. It's your money and presumably you want to go on a nice trip and stay in a nice hotel. If you can afford it and wouldn't be able to go if you were splitting it (or would be looking at cheaper hotels etc.) then why not splurge.

*You don't think spending four thousand pounds on someone you have known for eight months and for the past three of those eight months you have been paying for everything is too much?

When you live with your parents at 26 and are saving up for a deposit and only a few months ago you were in financial difficulties*

Don't forget the trust issues.

If this is genuine then you have gone massively OTT
You are love bombing him, because of your abandonment issues so he won't leave you
Return everything and spend some money on therapy.

Yes, you’ve spent way too much, the holiday itself is an amazing present! Please don’t keep the sliders etc, for ‘later’, get a refund, and put it towards a house deposit. I’m sure your boyfriend really loves you, so don’t put him off by over the top love bombing! If I was skint, and someone bought me all these expensive presents, after 8 months or so, in a relationship, I’d feel a bit uncomfortable

Yes it’s too much and I don’t understand the point of your post. It comes across as a stealth brag, but it doesn’t impress.

Can you return them? If so I would and buy something smaller, cheaper and more personal (I dunno - a book that's special or a photo mug of the two of you or something linkedbto your first date or a special memory - t-shirt of a band you have seen?) as a keep sake gift, if you want him to have something to open on the day. £50 max, ideally less. Or there might be a nice keepsake - local craft or a t-shirt etc, you could buy him on the holiday - that would be sweet and personal.

If not, I would put most of them aside for Christmas, maybe give him the one that seems most personal.

Otherwise you are love bombing and he may feel unduly obligated - what if he wants to break up with you soon? He should feel free to and not wildly indebted and guilty if he does.

We all know your intentions are good, and we all do mad things when we are in love, but you have time to pull back from this mistake!

If it's meant to be, you will have your whole life to show your love to him in many many ways. But it's too early to know for sure, however strong your feelings are right now. And you don't want to make the poor fella feel guilty and obligated.

Even though you can afford it, it's way OTT! It comes accross like you're trying to buy him. Also stupid money for a pair of sliders even if you can afford it. Sorry

My guess is you still live with your parents (how else can you afford all this when you don't share finances and are clearly very young going by your values) and you want him in designer sliders and sunglasses to share your culturally soulless luxury holiday pictures on social media.

It sort of reminds me of the Lidl/Greggs branded stuff, which is not the desired response.

Has OP actually been back?? Off to check

Maybe you could put the money towards saving for your own place and treating your parents if you’re staying in their house.

No, almost £4.5k 😬

OP this is insane.
Last month you posted that you were concerned that he might be following exes on social media and that he never posted about you anywhere and made it look like he was a single man on social media and how he doesn't want to introduce you to his friends and wants to keep you seperate and now this month you're spending £4.5k for his birthday?

VALUE YOURSELF, walk away.

You sound completely unhinged

You cannot force someone, by being manipulative or by buying them expensive gifts, to stay with you - if anything you will frighten him off

Take everything back, not much you can do about the holiday but everything else

And stop……you have been in a relationship a few months, slow down

That’s more than my apocryphal six-figure earning husband spent on my engagement ring!

You can’t buy love. Unless you’re extremely wealthy and this is basically pocket change, it’s too much. I would have been touched but miffed if my husband spent that much on me for my birthday now (we have other cost priorities!) and if he’d done that at 8 months I would have been freaked out and run the other way. Because it’s either love bombing or we just don’t have the same values around money.

Dont give him the gifts. Sell or return them. You’re going to make any decent person extremely uncomfortable.

I’m sorry OP but that is way too much for an 8 month relationship. I’m a generous person but I wouldn’t be buying all that for my husband of xx years. Way overboard I’m afraid.

The OP reads like a stealth brag - look at meeeeeeee I’ve got so much money to spare.
Dropping in the price tag of every item comes across as rather vulgar imo.

@SamW98 I don't really believe the disparity in the stories from last year and this. Fishy.

Sliders for £310? Batshit! You need to get a grip.

You clearly have the money and it is his 30th, so if being a giver makes you happy, there's no problem. Even if you break up you've still enjoyed the holiday tio.
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If it's getting you into debt then it's obviously a bad idea.

OP isn’t coming back is she?

Designer sliders...😂

Even just the holiday is too much for such a new relationship. Are you trying to buy his commitment? I would feel guilty somebody spending so much money on me if I was unemployed and feeling low. It's a new relationship, a small gift approx £20 or a meal out would have sufficed.

After 8 months, definitely too much.
I would be embarrassed if I was him.