Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

Buy whatever you choose but just be careful you dont make him feel inadequate. Perhaps give him the shades and save the rest for Christmas?

That is far too much even if you’ve been together 10 years. Plus it all sounds very material. Can’t see how a 26 year old would have that kind of spare money. Save it. Maybe one small thoughtful item. But not all that designer tat. It’ll soon be forgotten anyway.

It is a bit much, especially as he struggling financially at the moment. His male pride could take a hefty dent. Maybe hold the gifts back for Christmas or something.

Take all the expensive tat back. Also, you do sound like fantasist. Sorry if that’s not true. Also, if you are unsure of someone, being suspicious with their phone behaviour. You have your answer. You don’t lavish them with money and gifts. It all sounds very bizarre to me. Doesn’t all add up especially in combination of the other post someone posted

My goodness, reign it in, hun. Bit cringey.

The Holiday is more than enough
save the other gifts for Birthday and Christmas

You do you hun and enjoy the time I bought cars for 3 boyfriends I don’t regret or resent it x

Vastly over the top. I wouldn’t do this for my husband of 15 years.

Put yourself in his shoes and you might reevaluate your gifts. If it were me, I’d feel inadequate, unequal and indebted to you.

I’m sure your intentions are nothing but kind, but it may be misconstrued as boastful and or controlling x

So, he spent 5 months making you feel special , then it’s 3 months of you paying for the relationship. Now you’re buying a holiday and all these gifts. It’s too much..you don’t know him all that well. Even if you did, it’s OTT. Either he was love bombing you to get you to a place you’d spend your money on the relationship and it’s going to end in tears. In that scenario, his telling you he doesn’t want gifts means nothing. He’s using his mask to draw you in and later the mask will come off, he’ll turn abusive and you will be so much poorer.
Or, you are so desperate, you’re the one trying to buy him. He will in that case, feel inadequate, embarrassed and that you are flaunting wealth while he’s going through a bad patch. Either way, it’s not a good relationship.

Edit: I just saw this “The trust issues were relating to his fidelity, but we have had an open and honest conversation, and we both are a good place now. “ That waves a red flag at me. Infidelity, lies to pretend it never happened/ won’t happen again is part of scenario #1. I know you think it’s sorted…be careful. Don’t get too comfortable yet. Keep aware And trust your gut if you suspect anything else.

This is insane, and it’s going to make him feel inadequate. He’s having to pay back cash in instalments, and you’re spending £4K at the drop of a hat. Do you want him to feel that way? It doesn’t make you seem like a better girlfriend - just a bit unhinged and insensitive / tone deaf. The holiday is ridiculous in itself, but at least you can do that together. Forget anything else except a silly token gift to give while you’re there.

Yes it is over the top to me. The holiday is a lot in itself. I’d return most of the items and maybe just give him one of them. I’d maybe be concerned about setting a precedent where spending on him is concerned; and also think about whether he could afford to or want to spend that much on you by return.

This isn’t really for real is it?

Lovebombing! Too much after only 8 months!

You are obviously very kind OP. Perhaps consider the reason he said no gifts given what you've spent on the holiday is due to his own financial situation. He probably accepts you are more wealthy than he is & I'm sure he appreciates your generosity. Personally I would also consider his pride. Adding a load of expensive gifts could tip him over the top where his pride is concerned. It may have the opposite effect to what you desire. It might be different when you have been together for years but to my mind not a few months. It's too much too soon. I wish you both a long & happy relationship.

I'm a bit embarrassed for you.

If you had trust issues at the beginning, it looks like buying his attention.

I'm sure you mean well, but it may seem insecure to him and off-putting.

Maybe pre-warn him you got excited about his birthday and went over the top so he's expecting it.

The holiday alone is OTT after just 8 months. but all the other stuff?

How to make someone run a mile.

You can't buy his fidelity and love. Take all the presents back, stash the money in a savings account, and take really good sunscreen when you go to Egypt, it's really really hot.

£310 on a pair of flip flops!

Honestly yes it way too much….

If this is true then it's utterly bonkers.

You don’t own a property?

you're halfway to a deposit for a flat with what you’ve spent on his birthday! That seems crazy.

Oh that's awful! I'd cringe and be incredibly uncomfortable if someone I'd gone out with for only 8 months did this to me. It says desperation, inappropriate boundaries, poor judgement, trying to buy 'love'. You really need to think again. One of those presents would be much more appropriate.

I can understand the expensive holiday as you want to go yourself but not the clothes too. I'd only give one of those as the gift. Take the others back.

IF he happily accepts all those gifts having lived off you for weeks that's a red flag

Also it won't make him love you. I also paid for lots and a Caribbean holiday for my ex who then left me pregnant just after he finally got a decent job 🙃