Close friend’s boyfriend belittles me

[Letsworkthisout]

I have a close friend whose boyfriend picks on me. We have mutual friends and often meet with partners as a group and he is nice and respectful to everyone but always ridicules me, often openly in the group. Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back. But I find it very embarrassing and feel like I’m a target.

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person. Can I add for context my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship with 2 kids and get on very well, these comments are triggered by nothing more than me just giggling sometimes at a funny story of a friends and him then attacking me verbally.

I think I’m an easy target as I can be quite animated and excitable in conversation, I’m also very open compared to my friends. So perhaps he just feels he can give it to me unlike others/ I’m setting myself up to be a target. But it does feel like there’s something about me that causes him to behave in this way. Almost as if he just cannot hide his disdain for me so has to use ‘banter’ as an outlet.

It’s caused me to feel more self conscious in our social group and as if I’m fair game for laughing at. I think others surely must feel uncomfortable by his behaviour towards me, I mean I would pull my boyfriend up if he treated my friends in that way.

Am I just being oversensitive? I come from quite a direct family so I’m used to being bantered / saying it how it is. But this just feels very one sided and almost verging on bullying. It’s made me resent my friends and boyfriend for allowing it and not pulling up the behaviour.

Ask your fella to catch him alone and have a quiet word with him. Nothing threatening, just that he's taking it too far and it needs to stop. It's obviously gone on far too long and something needs to be said. Your fella shouldnt be standing for this anyway. It's never been cricket to bash a mates wife, it's the ultimate disrespect.

next time he says it - just simply say 'oh, did you mean to be rude to me?' infront of everyone.

No-one should put upw ith this, pull him up on it.

I don't know what to say, I recently met someone like that. He was lovely first time we met then started treating me like that. Making fun of everything I said, taking the piss and laughing at me. Sounds like he has issues

He fancies you. And is acting like a 14 year old boy. Please call him out on his behaviour

Well, everything you say about your own reception of his 'banter' suggests why -- you're an easy target, you don't call him out on it, retaliate, or show signs of offence when you are in fact offended. All your effort appears to be going into concealing that you're offended, rather than putting him in his place. Presumably if this is his usual social mode, he's tried this out on others in the group and got put back in his box.

Though it's a little odder why he thinks your partner will be happy to watch someone else publicly belittle you, though, again, apparently he is?

Oooh a curveball. True, sometimes light teasing is a technique to fly under the radar and flirt but if it's being received as bullying then it's unlikely.

"Not this again Brian. Please don't talk to me like that" and then turn back to the group and start talking again. Ignore any reaction as much as possible.

No sorry, not making light, no obfuscation, no laughing. Deadpan, tell him not to. Who cares why, it's not OK.

I would just say “don’t like me very much do you! That’s ok the feelings mutual” and carry on with your conversation. He sounds like a prick. I also thought what a pp said, he fancies you and that’s why he is targeting you. Your partner does need to stick up for you though my dh would never have another man talk to me like that esp in front of him!

Thanks everyone for your messages, really great to know this isn’t acceptable and I’m validated in my feelings

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person

I suspect he thinks your BF can do better and he's negging and belittling you to show bf that. Next time just turn round and say 'shut up if you can't be nice, you're getting boring.' And don't use an apologetic tone.

I struggle with setting boundaries and I probably need to before I explode one day and he really hits a nerve

If you’re used to saying it how it is, can’t you just grab a quiet word with him and ask what’s going on?

‘Is something up?’ ‘What’s with the eye rolls?’ ‘Why did you say X in front of everyone, that was really weird?’

He’ll probably laugh and try to fob it off, you keep eye contact and repeat yourself. ‘No seriously that was weird, what’s going on?’

He won’t have an explanation because he either just fancies you or just doesn’t like you (I doubt he’ll admit to either!) but it will probably stop the interactions. If it does happen again you just keep pulling him up on it in the same tone you’d use with a child.

I’ve pulled my boyfriend up a few times and said if you could step in to compliment me when he starts so he at least subtly picks up my boyfriend isn’t on board with this behaviour

It’s so bizarre right?! I’m a way I think he’s making himself look a fool and I kind of pity someone who wants to pull others down. Obviously there’s insecurities there

Then this is the dickhead to practice on. Everyone needs assertiveness skills. Life threw you a life one. Take a course if you have to. Don't rely on your BF or friend. Stand up for yourself, calmly, without apologising, firmly.

If it helps, pretend you are a character in a play. Act like you're assertive. Pretend.

Well thats a bit crap. Can you not speak to the AH's partner? Or is there a mutual friend who could do it? Surely someone can stand up to the jerk.

A friend mentioned this. It’s such bizarre behaviour it would make more sense, but that is why I don’t understand my friend allowing it. I would be hurt and embarrassed if my boyfriend seemed aggy in an obsessed way to a female friend

I had this from a member of Dh’s family, DH very calmly put him in his place In front of everyone, no-one looked up or defended him because they knew he was being a prick. DH has a personality the exact opposite of mine, he’s extremely assertive and literally doesn’t care what other people think of him (he’s not an arsehole by the way but he’s not bothered by other people much).

I sound like you OP, some men do despise women like us, I’ve come across them a couple of times. I’m not sure why.

Be more effective os he just stared at this guy and said “watch it mate”.

I do agree I’m an easy target. I protect others feelings over my own and I can tell he has a fragile ego. I did once give it back and it was very awkward for everyone because he then got in a mood and I felt bad (I know I shouldn’t)

I also agree my boyfriend is in the wrong too for allowing someone to publicly belittle me. He can be socially awkward and said before it’s my group of friends and he doesn’t want to make the situation worse. He’s just not willing to step in as he feels I need to stand up for myself in this situation

No, this is ridiculous. The OP is an adult, as is this guy, not a pair of unself-regulating toddlers who need grown-ups to mediate when the play gets rough. The OP needs to do exactly what @MrsTerryPratchett advises, not rely on other people to stickup for her, especially when she appears to be giving everyone the impression his 'banter' doesn't bother her in the slightest. OP, stop putting so much effort into pretending you don't mind and seething inwardly, and just assert yourself.

Oh your description of yourself sounds like me! And I met someone like him a while back - I went with the 'kill him with kindness' approach, which worked, but I wish I'd gone for 'don't you ever have anything interesting to say rather than being a bitch to/about me' tbh.

Yeah it’s not reciprocated and I would agree it’s on the bullying side

@Amendment not everybody is comfortable with confrontation, which seems the case here, hence asking someone else to step in isn't exactly unusual. If the boyf could read this thread then im sure he'd have sorted it a long time ago.

You need to channel your inner Nessa (Gavin & Stacey) and give him a hard look and say, "Oy, Friend's Boyfriend, stop being such a twat."