Close friend’s boyfriend belittles me

[Letsworkthisout]

I have a close friend whose boyfriend picks on me. We have mutual friends and often meet with partners as a group and he is nice and respectful to everyone but always ridicules me, often openly in the group. Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back. But I find it very embarrassing and feel like I’m a target.

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person. Can I add for context my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship with 2 kids and get on very well, these comments are triggered by nothing more than me just giggling sometimes at a funny story of a friends and him then attacking me verbally.

I think I’m an easy target as I can be quite animated and excitable in conversation, I’m also very open compared to my friends. So perhaps he just feels he can give it to me unlike others/ I’m setting myself up to be a target. But it does feel like there’s something about me that causes him to behave in this way. Almost as if he just cannot hide his disdain for me so has to use ‘banter’ as an outlet.

It’s caused me to feel more self conscious in our social group and as if I’m fair game for laughing at. I think others surely must feel uncomfortable by his behaviour towards me, I mean I would pull my boyfriend up if he treated my friends in that way.

Am I just being oversensitive? I come from quite a direct family so I’m used to being bantered / saying it how it is. But this just feels very one sided and almost verging on bullying. It’s made me resent my friends and boyfriend for allowing it and not pulling up the behaviour.

Grey rock him. He’ll get bored. He eye rolls, you say calmly in a monotone ‘you eye roll at me quite a lot did you realise that?’ He says ‘how do people put up with you?’ You just say ‘mmmn OK’. Lots of ‘aha’ ‘yeah’ ‘sure’ ‘right’.

Also, boyfriend sounds like a wet weekend. Can’t he even be persuaded to say one nice thing? Like when dickhead says ‘how does wet weekend put up with you?’ Could ww say ‘oh very easily. She’s my favourite person’. Or something like that?
Sigh

Good luck with them both!

If he won’t leave you alone, that’s where “why are you so obsessed with me?” comes in handy. With an exaggerated eye roll and a laugh as if you are kidding.

I think this is kind like MrsTerryPratchett (I think?) upthread described. It’s somewhat dishonest when what you really mean is “leave me alone you moron!” But it doesn’t make everyone else uncomfortable and doesn’t make the OP into someone who responds to rudeness with more rudeness.

i think the main point is to get him to leave you alone with minimal interaction and drama with him. Because an even more adversarial relationship with him is more interaction than OP wants or needs.

Stop taking 'the joke', ask him to explain what he means, every single time, that you don't understand and please can he explain, Mumsnet baffled. Everyone around you knows he is treating you badly, only you can change the dynamic. Dont go along with it, don't snipe back at him, be neutral and curious and it will stop him bullying you when he has to detail it.

In this situation some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), your b/f should have said something

And why hasn't your friend spoken up?

And you absolutely must shut him down

I think this is very valid

Some good suggestions here @Letsworkthisout .
I would like to add:

Charming. I already know you're a twat Kevin, you don't have to keep proving the point.

Just thought - I had this from a friend of my bf. Turned out he hated women and used sex workers. Grim!

maybe check in with your friend that she’s ok. Maybe he’s giving to her worse.

but also tell him to fuck off

100% this

I would say he fancies you. Only because I’ve been in a similar situation and he then came onto me…. Don’t get him on his own to have a word because that would give him an opportunity to try, I’d go with either calling him out in front of everyone or getting boyfriend to have a word.

It's definitely this.

"Oi Darren, shat up for fuck's sake , you are becoming a bore". If his name is not Darren, then it should be!!!

How does your friend react?

You sound really nice and it seems you’re being punished for it. It’s hard but you need to stand up to this.

I suggest that when he says something mean stop and ask him to repeat it….’what did you say?’. This will draw everyone’s attention to it. Leave a long pause and then move on without laughing or acknowledging it. You’ve now shone a light on the behaviour. If it continues you might want to turn to your friend and ask if she thinks that’s acceptable.

I want to add that I’ve seen this happen when the girlfriend had complained to her boyfriend that he was too nice to her friend and must have a crush.

or when the guy did have a crush and was trying to hide it.

He fancies you. Classic schoolboy behaviour.

Please do stand up for yourself, and definitely don't do it discretely, he'll love that he got to you and he won't consider it any consequence at all. Tell him directly in funny if the group at the time. Do it in a calm and even tone of voice.

"I find it hurtful when you speak to me that way. Please stop."

"It's only bantz babes stop being so sensitive!"

"I find it hurtful. I'm asking you to stop."

If you're used to banter why aren't you giving it back?

Maybe just say to your friend "Have I offended your BF in some way? He seems really off with me recently" and see what she says. That might be enough for her to have a chat with him and nip it in the bud.

I put up with similar for years with the wife of a friend. It was like she’d pounce on me in social gatherings if I said anything. She was looking to have an issue. The worst thing was that everyone around the table would laugh along. At first it was funny, but then it was awkward.

Rather than deal with it properly I let it run on until a particular party where she overstepped the mark. We fell out big time and it never got sorted. She never admitted to any of it but publicly tried to hug me a few months later in-front of everyone presumably to let everyone see she was remorseful.

My advice to you is to have the chat. Expect denial. Surprise. Lies. He won’t accept what he’s been doing. So give examples and tell him how it feels.

He knows what he’s doing and needs stopping.

As somebody else has said, he fancies you.
I've had this with two different men in my life and when I finished with the person I was with at the time they pounced. Doesn't make it nice, it's a horrible way to be, but that's what it is.

The next time he belittles you, I would honestly just ask him straight out, in front of everybody in your social group: "can I ask you what your problem with me is? Because I have noticed you keep rolling your eyes at me and make digs at me, like you have just now. I don't know if you are aware that you're doing this to me all the time, but I just want to let you know that I don't like it, and I have actually gone home quite upset from your comments every time I have been around you". Even if he apologises, I would honestly keep my distance from him. If he joins in on conversations you're having, just politely excuse yourself and walk away. You don't need to expose yourself to anyone belittling you, even if you are in the same social group. No way I would tolerate that.

Honestly I would be rethinking the friendship and the others in the group. They must be aware of his shitty behaviour; it hardly sounds as if he's subtle about it.

I had this with a friend who I considered a close friend. Her boyfriend really really disliked me t- to the extent he would actually sit with his back to me if we were around the table in the pub. She put up with it because she really wanted a boyfriend. Eventually it became 'X doesn't want me to be friends with you'...

What is your friend doing when he is making his snide little digs?

Do we still live in a world where we women need men to stand up for us?

Yeah and also no one should be “bashed” whether it’s your mates wife or not. I’ve noticed some men are only respectful to women they’re connected to in some but think other women are fair game for scorn and ridicule.

I ended a friendship over a similar situation, except I was single and the friend simply wouldn't meet me alone and always had to bring him. Constant put downs, patronising comments, questions about my career that he already knew the answer to etc.

Everyone saying why is yor boyfriend allowing this- why is your so called friend allowing it,

If you don’t want to go into direct confrontation you could try the sort of responses which make them realise they’re being an asshole. For example asking them to repeat it as if you don’t understand so many times they realise it’s not funny or is inappropriate, or directly asking them to explain themselves/their comments which leads to them looking like a dunce when there’s no good reasoning except to make you feel bad.
Eg. ‘I don’t know how (boyfriend) puts up with you!’ - “oh really, why’s that?”
Or just ‘what do you mean by that? Ok, but what do you mean by it?’ Until realisation hits.
Agree with all pp though that boyfriend (and friends by extension) shouldn’t just sit and witness without anyone calling it out. If the guy is going to strop over being called out then it clearly needs to happen more often until he realises the problem is him!