Close friend’s boyfriend belittles me

[Letsworkthisout]

I have a close friend whose boyfriend picks on me. We have mutual friends and often meet with partners as a group and he is nice and respectful to everyone but always ridicules me, often openly in the group. Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back. But I find it very embarrassing and feel like I’m a target.

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person. Can I add for context my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship with 2 kids and get on very well, these comments are triggered by nothing more than me just giggling sometimes at a funny story of a friends and him then attacking me verbally.

I think I’m an easy target as I can be quite animated and excitable in conversation, I’m also very open compared to my friends. So perhaps he just feels he can give it to me unlike others/ I’m setting myself up to be a target. But it does feel like there’s something about me that causes him to behave in this way. Almost as if he just cannot hide his disdain for me so has to use ‘banter’ as an outlet.

It’s caused me to feel more self conscious in our social group and as if I’m fair game for laughing at. I think others surely must feel uncomfortable by his behaviour towards me, I mean I would pull my boyfriend up if he treated my friends in that way.

Am I just being oversensitive? I come from quite a direct family so I’m used to being bantered / saying it how it is. But this just feels very one sided and almost verging on bullying. It’s made me resent my friends and boyfriend for allowing it and not pulling up the behaviour.

I'd say,
"Oh hear we go again"
"Blimey its been at least 4 minutes since you took a pop at me"
"Wow, you always manage to ruin the atmosphere"
"Is it just me id do you hate everyone ?"
" if you dont like me, why are you here"

Etc.

This is an interesting statement and I support anything that challenges societal behaviour and encourages women to be assertive and feel empowered to be their true unapologetic selves.

however, the word liar is negative and therefore vilifying those who have their conscious/subconscious reasons (often women) for displaying this behaviour. For example a lot of neurodivergent women have only been diagnosed later in life and typically have been seen as ‘people pleasers’ due to masking.

I think this is the case, he’s trying to prove his alpha status. Bet most people think he’s a bit of a wanker.

however, the word liar is negative and therefore vilifying those who have their conscious/subconscious reasons (often women) for displaying this behaviour. For example a lot of neurodivergent women have only been diagnosed later in life and typically have been seen as ‘people pleasers’ due to masking.

Hence why I think it's useful to reframe for yourself if it's helpful. I don't go around shouting LIAR at unassertive people.

There are many reasons for it; trauma, ND, the patriarchy, poor socialisation. None of which are the person's fault. But when we insist on pretending it's pro-social (pleasing) when it really isn't, we are perpetuating it. If we want to work on it, we need to use plain language and name it correctly as something negative and ripe for change.

Women in particular are told it's nice or kind or pleasing or polite. I think amongst ourselves, let's be honest.

I just fricking love this! Could do with this myself.

He has no problems having a pop at you in public so there's no harm in challenging that, in public. He's carrying on doing it because you're going along with it by the sounds of things, so he doesn't think it's a problem.

Honestly, a couple of witty comebacks, or even not witty but said with a smile, and he might realise his "humour" is wearing a bit thin. Even a simple "god you're sounding like a stuck record" with a smile might be enough to get the message across.

Ignoring the situation/him is not being assertive.

Next time he starts I’d look at him completely unsmiling, and say something like ‘Tell you what, how about we play a different game tonight where someone else gets to be ‘It’? Got to admit I’m getting a teeeny bit bored of it always being me so hey, how about you take a turn on <x> … look, they’re right opposite you so the sarky eye rolls would be super effective. Or <y> … I’m sure they won’t mind some negging just to give me a break?’

laugh at the end while looking at someone else, not him- ignore him after that. He will possibly have another strop - if so, just calmly look at him, then say in a pause ‘If you can’t take it, maybe stop dishing it out. Or dish it a bit more evenly then it might stay funny longer?’

total twat

Oh and absolutely don’t smooth anything over. Any outburst, just look at him calmly, let him rant, then shrug and repeat above.

I had a situation with (I can cringe about it now) one of mine and DB’s friends who’s 10 years older now, I did find attractive (god knows why, most unsuitable man on earth). I don’t think I really fancied him per se, he was a nice, attractive older man whom I’d known when he was married and when his wife had their baby. But the men I knew then were young clubbers, mostly, pretty boys with not a lot to say. I’d had a run of awful relationships, one emotionally abusive and the other a platonic male best friend who apparently fancied me (we did date briefly)being two of them. I felt a bit disillusioned with dating and men in general.

Anyway, once at a fancy dress party we were at and his girlfriend was at I was horrible to them both but more him, all night. I couldn’t see what he saw in his girlfriend. Over covid he moved back to England from abroad and we became friends and I got to know way more about him as a friend (didn’t fancy him then). I think I was in a bad place at the time.

Anyway… I’d do as you’re planning to do OP, speak to him. He could fancy you or he could be an unpleasant arse who gets off on being nasty to people. Or do as @ThePoshUns says show him up in front of everyone. Often cowards like this don’t like this happening to them as it shows up their own bad behaviour.

I don't like the suggestions of asking the boyfriend to speak on OP's behalf. That would annoy me, as if his opinion is superior because he has a penis. Whenever I come across men like this (because they are everywhere and there is a cohort of them that seem to dislike sociable and funny women) I happily call them out every time when they try to belittle me. They seem to get most annoyed by comments like:

• 'oh, you and your little ego'
• 'are you on your period again'
• 'not another bitch fit, John'
• 'oh dear, such beta male behaviour'

Your friend sounds a bit insensitive. She knows you better than him and should realise he’s over stepping but then you are maybe confusing things by laughing along. I’d be horrified if my partner behaved like that.

Personally I’d pull your friends boyfriend up right there and then, or give a disdainful stare next time he cracks a “joke” at your expense.

I had a friend like that in my social circle at uni, always ridiculed me. I had quite a disarming temperament and came across as an easygoing self-depreciating person and maybe a bit quirky, so I did attract stuff like that a lot in my 20s.

One day he shut me down rudely and mocked me while we were having a discussion about a student union event we were organising. I snapped and said F off can you stop being so rude to me?

As I rarely swear it caught everyone off guard and the group was kind of like yikes! And he was a lot more respectful from then on. I see him very occasionally now (once every few years) through mutual friends but don’t keep in touch with him.

Quite a few men really don’t like being called out on their behaviour.

I used to go to a pub where this man went with his wife. Always he was rude to me, we weren’t friends. Would deliberately bag the best tables and make nasty comments to me. Once I came in with a few friends, we’d grabbed a table he apparently “wanted”. He then proceeded to strop at me and his parents or in-laws were with him. Can’t recall what I said but basically stop being rude to me and if you wanted that area so badly you’d have reserved to it or got to it first. Wasn’t the end though as he then collared me and a friend in the corridor to have another go at me, shouting and swearing.

Luckily a barman was coming by and I grabbed him and said “see this man, hear what he’s saying to me”. My friend backed me up and he ended up being asked to pay and leave with his family, they’d had dinner there too. Next time I went there and he was there he left me alone!

I agree with this. When he says something nasty, ask him to repeat it and if he does, act like you don't understand and ask him to explain the "joke".

Your close friend must have observed him doing this to you yet accepts it so perhaps she’s not the close friend you think she is.
In your situation, I’d protect my mental health and keep away from him even if that means keeping away from your friend too.

SO your good friend and your man, neither one of them checked him for his words and attitude? I'd have a good talk with both of them and tell them about themselves.

But regardless, next time he pipes up with his b.s. you say "you are so focused on me and what I do, what I say, and what I look like... If I were your girlfriend I'd be jealous cause it is obvious you are attracted to me but don't know what to do with it so you act like an adolescent. Grow TF up why don't you? Your antics are not cute and no one is impressed. You sound like a fool." You say that in front of your man, his woman, and other people the room will go silent and he will be humiliated into the next realm. But if he is a savage, he may come back with something like "you wish!"

That is when you go for round two with "I don't wish for anything with you. You are extremely disrespectful, juvenile and silly to be your age. I have a real man who would never dream of picking on his woman's good friend the way you do to get my attention. Again, you need to grow TF up! This routine is boring and so are you."

you get the drift. Slam him at every opportunity. Loudly. Publicly. Go for the jugular. Talk about whatever there is to dog him about re; his personality, money, job, education, height, weight, looks, attitude, family, etc. Whatever you know about it start throwing those grenades back at him. Do not hold back.

I am not really sure why you don’t respond with ‘fuck off, fuck face’ to him. Then laugh like it’s a
big joke between you.

your friend and bf aren’t bothered about him hurting your feelings so they can do one.

just give it back. Stop feeling bad. When he sulks after say ‘ooooo diddums sulking, are you, poor baby’.

give it back.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8H6JgluVs_/?igsh=MXVhdTlqcTl1ejRiaw==

watch this man and what he has to say in dealing with certain situations it may help

this is really good

It's easy:
Why Don't You Fuck Off.

He will try and feign innocence, but don't have it, just tell him you've had enough of his rudeness and bullying and you want an apology.

Bullies are the biggest cowards

Channel your inner Sandi Toksvig - "Bill..... Shut the fuck up!".

Alternatively, just raise your eyebrows and say "Wow..... Nasty".

I don't know if he fancies you but what I do know is he's insecure and he's jealous of you. You've said your loud and animated, this to me says your confident and able to engage people really well. He's jealous so he's belittling you to make himself feel better and probably to attack your confidence and quieten you down.

Your BF won't stand up for you so your gonna have to do it. When he does something again, look him in the eye and say Do you have some sort of issue with me? Have I upset you in someway without realising because this seems to be happening alot? He will be absolutely mortified that you've pointed out his behaviour. Stare him out aswell do not look away, while waiting for a response. If he carries on after this I would be highly suprised. Your BF should be stepping in by the way when he says the BF comments I'd go mad if my husband didn't defend that.

He's probably an abusive shit and doesn't like your friend having supportive mates like you.

But yeah just don't stand for it. Youve had plenty of good reactions here about what to say.

But don't take him asside. Call him out infront of people. Pretend to not give heard him and ask him to repeat the asshole thing several times to make him look like a major douche. Then say 'well that wasn't very nice was it jim'. Then turn to everyone else and blank him.

That all being said, I have noticed this escalate since my boyfriend came on the scene. Who knows why that is?!

He fancies your BF?!

Don't pull him asside. He's malignant. So you telling him off won't change him. He'll just revel in it. Or worse, lie about what you said to others.

Anything you say, keep civil but firm. And make sure there are witnesses.

Bad people don't stop being bad because you ask them to. They can't be reasoned with.

Plan to not engage with him anymore but chances are he won't let you do this and will keep digging at you, probably giving his ego a boost if others are finding him amusing.

Next time he is nasty to you just do a big over exaggerated sigh and say something like, "not this again, what exactly is it that you have against me because it's getting quite boring now" roll your eyes as well for full effect. Hopefully it will embarrass him enough that he won't do it again