Close friend’s boyfriend belittles me

[Letsworkthisout]

I have a close friend whose boyfriend picks on me. We have mutual friends and often meet with partners as a group and he is nice and respectful to everyone but always ridicules me, often openly in the group. Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back. But I find it very embarrassing and feel like I’m a target.

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person. Can I add for context my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship with 2 kids and get on very well, these comments are triggered by nothing more than me just giggling sometimes at a funny story of a friends and him then attacking me verbally.

I think I’m an easy target as I can be quite animated and excitable in conversation, I’m also very open compared to my friends. So perhaps he just feels he can give it to me unlike others/ I’m setting myself up to be a target. But it does feel like there’s something about me that causes him to behave in this way. Almost as if he just cannot hide his disdain for me so has to use ‘banter’ as an outlet.

It’s caused me to feel more self conscious in our social group and as if I’m fair game for laughing at. I think others surely must feel uncomfortable by his behaviour towards me, I mean I would pull my boyfriend up if he treated my friends in that way.

Am I just being oversensitive? I come from quite a direct family so I’m used to being bantered / saying it how it is. But this just feels very one sided and almost verging on bullying. It’s made me resent my friends and boyfriend for allowing it and not pulling up the behaviour.

No, OP, rephrase that. It's not that you're protecting the fragile ego of someone else, you'rejust unwilling to look like the bad guy who 'ruins the mood'. Why would you care about the inner self of someone who's a (probably temporary) boyfriend of a friend? His possible insecurities are not your problem, but you're choosing to behave as if feelings you think he may have are more important than your own actual feelings -- can't you see how mad that is?

You're keeping schtum because you're a people-pleaser who doesn't want to rock the boat and is inwardly seething because he sees that he can belittle you and you'll just take it rather than act. Is this really how you want to live? Because he's not the only idiot you're going to encounter in your life, who will judge that you're a safe target with poor boundaries, who is unable or unwilling to assert herself. Practice better boundaries starting now. You've had lots of good suggestions. Imagine you are your own parent -- how would you advise yourself? Because my mother would say 'Sit meekly and laugh along, and never, EVER contradict a man, whatever he does to you!' but fortunately, by my 20s, I'd realised what horseshit that was.

@Treestumpp, Mn is chockful of craven people-pleasers seething with hidden resentment at other people's treatment of them. These people are almost all women socialised by other female people-pleasers. Someone else stepping in here won't solve the OP's problem (and note that she didn't ask her boyfriend to actually have a word, she asked him to pay her a compliment when Idiot Guy next piped up, to indirectly convey his disapproval of Idiot Boy's comments! And he said no, because he doesn't want to rock the boat in the OP's friendship group!) the next time, and the next.

She doesn't have to karate chop him on the windpipe, just do what @MrsTerryPratchett and others have suggested.

@Amendment actually i think i prefer the karate chop on the windpipe idea, should get the message across! In a passive agressive adam sandler film stylee.

Speak up for yourself OP.

😂 I love this! plus - added advantage (if you can do the Welsh accent well) is that others will laugh and that'll show him up more! Can't abide this kind of behaviour in "grown up men" (as if there's such a thing!)

I also got the impression that it is more to do with him and OP’s boyfriend.

With her additional posts, perhaps he has picked up on the dynamic of OP being the more outspoken/outgoing one and her boyfriend being passive and unwilling to stand up for her and rock the boat. He may think he’s taking the piss out of him by mocking OP since he knows her boyfriend won’t do anything about it. Some men like to emasculate others by doing crap like this. Unfortunately if this is the case, OP putting him in his place may just make things worse.

Can you say something in a ‘jokey’ way like, ‘Jeez Brian, that was a bit harsh. Are you OK? Who hurt you?’

Or,

’Flippin’ heck, Kevin. Did you get out of bed on the wrong side this morning? I know you enjoy a bit of a joke at my expense, but that one really stung.’

Or

’Oh, fuck off, Nigel, and stop being a twat.’

Or

’Piss off, Gary. Go and pick on someone your own size’

Or if he starts pitying your DP just say,

’It could be worse. At least he’s not <insert friend’s name>. She has to put up with you.’

I’d be more interested in his relationship with your friend. He clearly has a mean streak. Is she happy? Does he appear controlling? My thought is that he’s possibly trying to isolate her from you as he sees you as a strong independent woman and doesn’t want her influencing you.

Having ready everyone’s messages I agree I think it’s time to pull him to the side and just say sometimes I feel picked on.

your right, I’ll never know why but at least maybe that’ll stop it.

I can be direct, I think I just don’t want to rock the boat too much in the friendship group / protecting my friendship but if it’s bothering me enough to post here I have to deal with this!

I can get behind that.

I don’t want to burden my friend with something that maybe is me being oversensitive. I also haven’t spoken to anyone else in the group as didn’t want to make him out to be a bad guy behind his back I felt it was probably only fair I either take it on the chin or go to him directly

If you prefer, every time he says something a bit nasty you could pretend to not hear him and ask him to repeat himself. 'Jokes' tend to fall flat when they are repeated and he'll probably feel a bit self-conscious.

It's a bit passive aggressive but I don't think that's an issue if it's something that you've decided to do to see if it works. It's when passive aggression is your general communication style that it becomes a problem.

I absolutely agree here, I just need to go to the source and be direct. I guess I just felt perhaps I’m being oversensitive and didn’t want to make an issue if I’m the one with the problem. But reading everyone’s messages I do see it’s something I need to tackle and work on my assertiveness in this situation

i appreciate your direct advice

I know you’re not eager to consider that it may be your boyfriend that he’s baiting, but it’s worth showing up alone a few times and seeing what happens. If he lays off you, then it’s your boyfriend that he’s trying to bully. If he ramps up, then he’s being a douche to you and you should let him have it.

Its the fact you say hes nice to everyone else but obnoxious to you that doesnt sit right. Some people are arseholes and cant help it, but they're generally arseholes to everyone. This targeted mickey taking isn't right and Id expect someone else to have picked up on it and called it out by now.

Yes this would shut him down instantly.
Next time he says something in front of everyone say
” look it’s not the school playground, if you fancy me you don’t have to be hide behind being nasty!”

Do not meekly pull him aside and say you feel picked on, he'll love that. He'll just fob you off and then snicker away to himself.

Be assertive and say exactly what @loropianalover wrote in the post you quoted. You need to be direct and clear.

If he makes excuses or tried to fob you off, just say "I don't really care why you behave like this, but it stops now."

If he does it again in front of people, call it out. "Wow Dave, was that really necessary?", etc.

That just embarrasses her friend though.

Agree that OP should call him out, but not like that.

Is her friend not embarrassed that he’s behaving the way he is?
Why isnt she doing something?
I wouldnt worry about if she was bothered or not

I actually think this is a good idea. He sounds like the sort of douchebag that might get off on the fact that he knows he;s offended you, so if you disarm him by giving him a taste of his own medicine by belittling him in front of everyone then that may shut him up.

Not much of a friend if she lets her fella constantly needle her friend.

Ask him go repeat himself and then look puzzled and say I don't know what you mean

I have exactly the same issue with my best friends husband. I've started being pretty rude back to him tbh and then I laugh afterwards. He doesn't do it so often now as people then laugh at my response, which is either rude about him or makes me look funny.

If he commented on my weight I'd say 'ohh check out Brad Pitt over there' or 'well at least I can lose weight Carl, you'll always be an ugly fucker' if he said things like 'I don't know how your partner puts up with you' I'd respond with 'it's because I'm great in bed Carl' or if he rolled his eyes at me I'd say 'you looking for your brain back there Carl' he'll then probably say 'what do you mean' respond with 'all that eye rolling you were doing there Carl, thought you were trying to find your brain'

I know it's petty but my bf dh would piss me right off. He was so rude and quite personal, not sore of it's emotional intelligence (or unintelligent) or plain old nasty but I quite liked putting him back in his place

He is boosting his own ego and showing his superiority over your DP by insulting and belittling you. He's not brave enough to do it directly, so he's doing it indirectly.

I wouldn't even pull him to one side. Show him up for the twat he is. He's happy to embarrass you in front of your friends do the same to him.
Just ask him outright what his problem is.