Close friend’s boyfriend belittles me

[Letsworkthisout]

I have a close friend whose boyfriend picks on me. We have mutual friends and often meet with partners as a group and he is nice and respectful to everyone but always ridicules me, often openly in the group. Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back. But I find it very embarrassing and feel like I’m a target.

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person. Can I add for context my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship with 2 kids and get on very well, these comments are triggered by nothing more than me just giggling sometimes at a funny story of a friends and him then attacking me verbally.

I think I’m an easy target as I can be quite animated and excitable in conversation, I’m also very open compared to my friends. So perhaps he just feels he can give it to me unlike others/ I’m setting myself up to be a target. But it does feel like there’s something about me that causes him to behave in this way. Almost as if he just cannot hide his disdain for me so has to use ‘banter’ as an outlet.

It’s caused me to feel more self conscious in our social group and as if I’m fair game for laughing at. I think others surely must feel uncomfortable by his behaviour towards me, I mean I would pull my boyfriend up if he treated my friends in that way.

Am I just being oversensitive? I come from quite a direct family so I’m used to being bantered / saying it how it is. But this just feels very one sided and almost verging on bullying. It’s made me resent my friends and boyfriend for allowing it and not pulling up the behaviour.

@Letsworkthisout I agree don’t say anything to him when it’s just you two. I might say something to him witnessed by your friend/his gf. Otherwise I’d respond ‘that’s really unkind’ or ‘slightly funny the first time, but not the 23rd time and I have had enough now’ calmly but so he gets the point.

‘Wind your neck in Brian, you’re starting to piss me off.’ Job done
This is best. Don't tell him that you feel he's picking on you as it will show him that he is getting to you. Agreeing with posters saying that possibly the actual reason you feel so uncomfortable is that neither your friend nor partner have your back. They are not rallying round you. That is the more complex problem.

Try this next time he starts with the bantz- head tilt to one side and say” sorry love, you’ve got something stuck in your teeth “ whilst pretending that his breath is vile. It’ll make him self conscious and if he checks and says there’s nothing there, just roll your eyes.

Alternatively, say with a pitying smile-“ feel better now you’ve had a pop do you? Bless” and turn to speak to someone else.

"Is that you rolling your eyes at me, or have you got a twitch?"

Or he dislikes your openness and fears you will be a bad influence on his dp

I would tell him straight, clearly, loudly and in front of everyone that you don’t appreciate his ridicule and stupid comments, tell him quite clearly to shut up if he can’t say anything nice. That should nip it in the bud. If he repeats, do it again.

Loving the brilliant comebacks and the advice on this thread .
I think he resents his partner being friends with you and wants to drive a wedge between you.

So everyone else let's him get away with being a twat?

What kind of friend allows their boyfriend to belittle their friends

I usually just go "Oh thanks!..." in a really annoyed tone/give a death stare and don't talk to him after.
Or ask him to repeat what he said.

I don’t agree at all that it is on your boyfriend to step in.

I think it is on your friend to tell her boyfriend to stop being annoying and unkind to you.

😂 this made me chuckle!

I think I’d go for this too @Letsworkthisout … or a simple ‘does putting me down make you feel better about yourself Carl?!’

My first instinct was that it's flirting! He sounds enamoured with you and wants your reaction and attention. Xx

You have a boyfriend problem: he doesn't respect you and he is a coward. (How can you bear to have sex with him?)

You've had some good suggestions on here for snappy comebacks for Idiot Boy, but if you can't remember them in the heat of the moment, the main thing is to call him out publicly. It doesn't even have to be witty, just a glare and "Don't start Dave, it's not funny" in a tone of withering contempt. And if anyone has ruined the atmosphere it will have been him, not you.

When you've located your backbone, you can start looking for a boyfriend who appreciates you properly instead of grovelling to misogynistic bullies.

I hope my comment doesn't sound too rude. I've been there before with craven wimpy boyfriends and horrible negging blokes at parties. I'm still angry with myself 25 plus years later for not standing up for myself properly, and for letting the relationships fizzle out rather than giving them the spectacular dumping they deserved!

Oops, accidental double post.

Call him out on his behaviour in front of everyone. Say something like ' are you not bored of bullying me yet' or ' yeah yeah whatever, can we leave it at that & move on it's getting boring now' There's banter & there's bullying, decide which you think it is & act accordingly. Stand up for yourself if he makes you feel uncomfortable or belittled. Get you DP onside as well by letting him know how you feel so he can have your back.