Close friend’s boyfriend belittles me

[Letsworkthisout]

I have a close friend whose boyfriend picks on me. We have mutual friends and often meet with partners as a group and he is nice and respectful to everyone but always ridicules me, often openly in the group. Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back. But I find it very embarrassing and feel like I’m a target.

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person. Can I add for context my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship with 2 kids and get on very well, these comments are triggered by nothing more than me just giggling sometimes at a funny story of a friends and him then attacking me verbally.

I think I’m an easy target as I can be quite animated and excitable in conversation, I’m also very open compared to my friends. So perhaps he just feels he can give it to me unlike others/ I’m setting myself up to be a target. But it does feel like there’s something about me that causes him to behave in this way. Almost as if he just cannot hide his disdain for me so has to use ‘banter’ as an outlet.

It’s caused me to feel more self conscious in our social group and as if I’m fair game for laughing at. I think others surely must feel uncomfortable by his behaviour towards me, I mean I would pull my boyfriend up if he treated my friends in that way.

Am I just being oversensitive? I come from quite a direct family so I’m used to being bantered / saying it how it is. But this just feels very one sided and almost verging on bullying. It’s made me resent my friends and boyfriend for allowing it and not pulling up the behaviour.

I've had this from time to time in work life. I've found if you say something, whether that's give it back, or point out when they've said something off in front of people, the behaviour stops.
Stock phrases "that was uncalled for" , " you're being unkind", "do you feel better for that slight of me?", " throwing shade much?" Etc.

Don't take him to one side and say something. If he speaks out in front of the group, so must you. And do it immediately and every time he says something.

"Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back."

Time to give it back I think.

At the eyerolls - "Have you got something in your eye Steve?"

At any neggy comments "ooh, listen at you Mr Perfect" or "I'm flattered you pay such close attention to me".

Maybe stop with the self-depreciating sense of humour - he could be seeing it as a green light to carry on in the same vein.

As other posters have said, my first thought was that he fancies you.

Ask him what's up!

Say, "so why do you do that?" and if he gets defensive also ask him why.

Keep putting the ball back in his court.

What was your boyfriend’s answer to that OP?

My first thought too. Twat.

Agreed with others that you need to call this out in front of the group if you want to stop him. There have ben some great suggestions here and I would have a list of stock phrases that work with your personality.

If you can get a laugh out of the others you can hopefully shut him up without killing the vibe completely, e.g. if you're laughing and he says something cutting: 'The Fun Police are out early this evening Kevin' or 'Are you a it constipated tonight Kevin? Just wondered why you're pulling that face?'

If he carries on being a twat you might have to be more direct with' 'Do you have a problem with confident women Kev? Do I make you feel insecure?' All can be said with a smile of sorts.

It's bad that no-one else is elbowing him or saying 'ok, enough' or similar. Recent research has shown that men behave badly towards women because they are confident that other men will not condemn them.

He’s jealous that your boyfriend is with you. And he fancies you himself.

"Do you have to work hard at being a twat Kevin, or does it come naturally?"

Having ready everyone’s messages I agree I think it’s time to pull him to the side and just say sometimes I feel picked on.

Do not speak to him alone. He is not a nice man and he will cause some shit if you do this. Just pull him on it the next time he does it in front of everyone. Calmly and firmly.
I dont think he fancies you by the way, he enjoys putting you down AND the fact that your boyfriend says nothing. He sees you both as weak.

Everytime he says something smart or derogatory roll your eyes and say " bore off John!" Then completely blank the moron

How is she a close friend ....if she sees him.doing this to one of her friends and doesn't either make him stop, or get rid of him if he don't stop??

She's not your friend. She lets her partner bully and humiliate her friend/other women so she can be in a relationship.

If I saw a partner doing that, I'd ask him what the fuck he was at. If he didn't stop, the relationship would be on sketchy ground.

Do you think it's approved by her?

Do you think she secretly dislikes/resents/is jealous of you?

I had this from a friend’s boyfriend- I even started a thread on it!

One day I just exploded, but at her, not him. I know it wasn’t ideal, but I asked her how she’d feel if my DH had made some of the comments to her, that he’d made to me, and referenced those comments.

Once I told her how I felt, it was much easier to pull him up directly when he did it.

I think he’s a bit scared of me now…

I agree this is for you to deal with not your BF as it's your group of friends. Different if it was his. Don't pull him to one side. He might repeat a different version back to your friend as he sounds odd.

Has your friend never commented on this side of him?

I wouldn't particularly try to show him up put him down, just don't laugh or ignore it. Why would you, it's not neutral or funny to you and he's had chances?

Try a series of quite simple responses 'what you rolling your eyes at now?' 'ooh claws in, Tony', 'give it a rest, will you' 'you ask that every week (how DP puts up with you). It never gets any wittier'.

This is the right answer!!! 👏 👏

I was steering towards pulling him aside to save face his end but I think as it does seem to be a little on the malicious side it’s not a good idea. I also agree with the point that pulling him up amongst others could backfire and I do wish to avoid any conflict that could affect the wider social circle. I intend on not engaging with him directly other than polite group conversation. If he does continue with the unnecessary behaviour / comments I will simply not engage rather than humouring him because I want to break any awkward silences. I need to be more assertive rather than allowing this behaviour towards myself and then later being resentful! Let’s see how that goes!

for more context, him and my friend are in a long term relationship and I have nothing bad to say about him as her partner. He speaks highly of her and is very caring towards her. He has been always very nice to my boyfriend and they get on well socially with me out the equation. That all being said, I have noticed this escalate since my boyfriend came on the scene. Who knows why that is?!

it could just be he doesn’t like me, I simply grate on him. However he does need to start to understand he’s an adult and needs to behave accordingly. Though I can only control my behaviour not his. Let’s see how the not engaging with him goes!

thanks to all the really useful advice, validating that I’m ok in asserting myself in this situation, knowing others have themselves experienced this and insight into why some individuals behave in this way and why I am allowing to be treated like this. I’ve learnt a lot!

He’s always agreed to support me, however it does continue to happen and it doesn’t seem to register with him. Not great I know but as others have pointed out, this is my group of friends but if it was his I would expect him to get involved if it was his friend treating me in this way

This made me really laugh. Wish I was as quick and funny as you were with those comebacks!

I have often wondered why she just doesn’t pull him up off the bat of an unnecessary comment or privately after. If it was me I would. But maybe me laughing and seeming unfazed she just thinks it’s banter and I’m ok with it. I don’t get it, I’d have to confront her about his behaviour which I really don’t want to do eek

Laugh next time and ask him why he’s so obsessed with you. He will stop if you say that every time he does it.

Make it like a joke, and if he says anything mean just say “oh I thought we were just joking around.”

Just a last comment.

I think we should challenge the phrase 'people pleaser'. It's not pleasing. Typically people who can't or won't assert themselves have less genuine and deep relationships. They aren't really known to the people around them. Dealing with passive, unassertive people can be frustrating and irksome. You never know what they want but can sense whatever it is you aren't meeting their unspoken needs. When it eventually comes out, often you are made to feel your lack of meeting their psychically transmitted needs makes you selfish or insensitive.

It's passive, it's appeasing, it's unassertive, it's untruthful. It's not pleasing. Reframing it could help you work on it. When you laugh after he says something, reframe it away from 'people pleaser who wants group cohesion' to 'liar'. Not to shame or judge yourself, but to force change. Your reaction is a lie and I'm sure that's not what you want.

He sees you as a threat perhaps?

Is he up to something he thinks you will see through?

Rather than say something you could use silence, just as powerful.
Next time he does it.
Say nothing, take a deep breath ,then pull a face like ok ( raise eyebrows, nod and fake grin)
Long pause then ignore. Turn to someone else and start a new conversation with them.
Just as impactful, you don't have to think of anything amusing to say, but everyone will get the message you're not impressed.

I think this is a little harsh given that it’s usually a protective response to bad experiences, most often from childhood.

Also because at least some who come across this way do have a longer fuse and often are speaking their mind and telling you their needs if anyone bothers to listen. It’s not an excuse to walk all over someone.

For me, it’s typically that I don’t mind loads of things too much. What I do mind is when I’ve been laid back but someone sets higher expectations for me than they bother to have for themselves.