Close friend’s boyfriend belittles me

[Letsworkthisout]

I have a close friend whose boyfriend picks on me. We have mutual friends and often meet with partners as a group and he is nice and respectful to everyone but always ridicules me, often openly in the group. Because I have a self depreciating sense of humour I take it well and don’t give it back. But I find it very embarrassing and feel like I’m a target.

some examples are him rolling his eyes at me, telling me he doesn’t know how my partner puts up with me (in front of my boyfriend), and acting like I’m a ridiculous person. Can I add for context my boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship with 2 kids and get on very well, these comments are triggered by nothing more than me just giggling sometimes at a funny story of a friends and him then attacking me verbally.

I think I’m an easy target as I can be quite animated and excitable in conversation, I’m also very open compared to my friends. So perhaps he just feels he can give it to me unlike others/ I’m setting myself up to be a target. But it does feel like there’s something about me that causes him to behave in this way. Almost as if he just cannot hide his disdain for me so has to use ‘banter’ as an outlet.

It’s caused me to feel more self conscious in our social group and as if I’m fair game for laughing at. I think others surely must feel uncomfortable by his behaviour towards me, I mean I would pull my boyfriend up if he treated my friends in that way.

Am I just being oversensitive? I come from quite a direct family so I’m used to being bantered / saying it how it is. But this just feels very one sided and almost verging on bullying. It’s made me resent my friends and boyfriend for allowing it and not pulling up the behaviour.

The problem with appearing confident and outgoing is that people confuse it with you also having no feelings (for some bizarre reason) - I am always an easy target and when I have spoken up about being bothered people don’t believe me. I’m sorry about him, he’s sounds awful but could you speak to your friend or even have a quiet word with him and ask him what his problem is? I You shouldn’t be made to feel this way when you go out .

Just say loudly, Sorry, could you repeat that please. This will draw attention from others and he may not wish to say it again. If you can have a quiet word about how his words upset you.

don’t rely on others to protect you but ask them if they would be happy for their daughter to be spoken to like that by a man.

you need to take the action.

the other alternative is to cry and say he has upset you in front of everyone. Cry every single time whilst saying that is unkind.

Look up Brooks Gibbs on YouTube How to beat a bully. It’s really powerful

It’s hard to respond when caught on the hop. The guy’s a jerk and it’s not your fault. If he truly doesn’t like you he can sit away from you etc.
Chat to your friend to get more insight and see if she can shut him up. Chat to your boyfriend and come up with responses together. There’s been some great ones and he needs to back you up when you respond as it’s likely this jerk will push back!

I would either look him in the eyes and calmly say would you like to say that again, it generally shuts them up, or I would (and have) say do we have a problem, as you're behaving like a prick.

I wouldn’t bite back or engage in any repartee. I’d just say ‘well, I’m going to leave. I’m not having a nice time. I dont want to spend my evening bring sneered at’ and leave with boyfriend.

As ever Mrs TP has nailed the perfect response. But here is what I'd be doing because I'm actually quite an abrasive wee loon when around bullies.

Ask him in front of everyone what childhood trauma led him to be such an insufferable wanker.

When he says he doesn't know how your partner puts up with you, reply, "that's how all of Katie's family and friends feel about you, we finally have something in common".

When he cracks jokes ask him if he gets bored of rehashing the same material, because you're bored of hearing it.

You have to make this arsehole your villain origin story @Letsworkthisout, no more being self deprecating, you have to knock that off.
It's not bringing you anything positive behaving like that, time to do a change and go full baddie.
Just do what the tremendously calm @MrsTerryPratchett suggests and then if he doesn't shut his pathetic mouth up, you have to really stick up for yourself.
Even if you had a partner who wanted to be your Knight in shining armour, never rely on a other person to step up to help you with a verbal attack, you can do this. You're not a physical punchbag, so why the fuck would you be ok to be a vernal one?

And his reason behind why he's doing this, cruelty/insecurity/a crush aren't your problem. You don't need to understand why he's vile, you just need to stop him from directing it at you.

Also, I'm really sorry that this is something you're experiencing, nobody deserves that, I hope he just fucks off.

I cannot believe all the tiptoeing, mild-meek comebacks suggested here. I'm not a native Brit but have spent the last 2 decades being married to one. Why are women here are so worried about being perceived as rude just for standing up for themselves? It allows bullies to get away with so much for so long.

This guy is rude, so put him in his place and stop overthinking it. Next time he puts you down, tell him sharply "Shut up Johnny. You'll make everyone think you're insecure". Or "Oh Johnny, do you feel like a big boy belittling others? You must have empathy issues."

Basically tell him to shut it and make a ridiculing remark about him.

I'm a bit concerned about your BF though. It doesn't sound like he's got your back.

He fancies you

I would give it back, say something to your partner like so glad you're not like him. Imagine trying to embarrass my friends to make yourself look funny etc. I've got a good one in you.

How long has he been in your friendship group? Does your friend say anything?

Oie. Dude is out of line.

your partner is a POS for not standing up for you.

and I doubt your ‘friend’ dating this AH is actually a friend.

You can dislike. Even hate a friends partner, but other than quiet cautions if you see serious red flags, you don’t get to say shit against them!

i hope your partner and ferried do better. This is worth bringing up

What utter nonsense ! He is a man child that fancies her !

I was going to say the same thing

Well, for a start, you really don't need a man to defend you. You need to do it yourself and do it decisively. So, the next time he starts, tilt the head, narrow the eyes and say, 'You really are an insensitive dick, aren't you. Don't give up the day job because you're not going to make it as a comedian - and I don't want to hear another word out of you.'

British men indicate friendship by insulting each other. Americans sometimes can’t understand this. British women should at least be aware of it!

You can tell him to stop. He might be quite hurt.

My fiancés best friend doesn’t like me for no reason at all. He was once very intimidating towards me and has since made some shady remarks about me. His girlfriend is also my friend and she’s slipped up a few times about remarks he’s made. I don’t care anymore. Hes actually a very damaged and insecure guy who isn’t very nice about most people so I take it with a pinch of salt now. Don’t let it affect you and always be the bigger person.

I agree with all the other posters but i would, Smile , say have you ever heard the saying, if you cant say something nice dont say anything at all, then turn away and talk to someone else. Its direct, but not rude.

I strongly disagree with those who are saying he fancies her. He is asserting his dominance at her expense.

I agree with those who say she should ask him to repeat what he said so that everyone can hear. If he makes jokes at her expense, the OP should ask (loudly) for him to please explain the joke, that she doesn't understand what's so funny. And keep repeating that. (I'm quite short and some people think it's ok to make fun of it. So I ask them what's so funny about something I have no control over. I mean, at least I don't *choose to be a judgey arsehole)

Every time you feel as if he is picking on you, I would say
" Oh it's pick on letsworkthisout time AGAIN it seems YOU have got to pick on me EVERY time we are out"
Make sure you say it nice and loud for everyone to hear.
Hopefully everyone will and others might start to realise that you are not enjoying or enabling it.I
You need to make everyone aware that you are not happy with this and perhaps everyone will start seeing him for what he is a bully.

@NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand im a shorty too, I usually say give em a banana your the hundredth one today

Weird you have a partner who is also aware of this but nothing has been done yet? This is odd

‘Wind your neck in Brian, you’re starting to piss me off.’ Job done

He fancies you. I bet any money

I'd say this next time he starts...

1. You are obviously not very dear to your dear or he would have stood up for you 2. She's not really a friend because she would have put a stop to it. 3.memorise ALL the good comebacks the mumsnet members have suggested and USE THEM. IF they don't back you then they are All people you need out of you life